This is her dance.
This is her music.
You are along for the ride.



Peace be with you.

notso, I wouldn't call your only option Total War. That sounds like a fit of anger.

Some of what you mentioned about shutting her off is similar to what Dr. Harley would recommend in doing a Plan B. The intent of Plan B is to keep a door open for her to return and engage in the marriage while protecting what little love you may have for her by getting away from the one thing that hurts you �. her.

Read up on Plan B if you like plans like the Art of War. It is very tactical and one that may make a difference for you. It is a good step to take instead of Plan R (revenge) prior to going to Plan D (Divorce).

I completely agree.

Plan B is honest and ethical.
Plan R is doing her dance.

Hmmm�.maybe it is resentment talking? I don�t even like being in the same room with her. Even if she hasn�t done anything, just the sight of her ?isses me off. I won�t do plan B, I�d rather divorce and be done with it. Maybe it has finally reached the end. I so wanted to keep the juggling act going a few more years. I know my last post was pretty much whining and accept that I would like to put her through the wringer. The difference is I allowed it to happen�it�s my own fault! I curse the day I ever bought those cr@p relationship books 15 years ago. Full of man blaming! and garbage about accepting your wife for who they are! I feel like such an idiot!

OMG! I�m an accomplice in the crime that is my marriage! I�ve bought into mainstream �men are stupid boys and need mothered by their wife.� WTH do I do now? I�ve tried for 3 years to use the MB way and that hasn�t worked out; if anything she�s more selfish and demanding. She�s content almost happy as I�ve quit LB and she�s been getting EN�s filled. The problems always come up if I bring up her LB behavior and EN�s I�d like to have filled, Am I really at the end of the story?...nothing left to try?

I read another thread today and it really caught me about a discarded husband. I�m NOT worried about losing my wife� I can�t stand the thought of being replaced. My children will be raised by ME. I can NOT accept the idea of another man in their lives. At dinner the other night my daughter started a conversation about �Why are we so close?� meaning me and the kids and it�s not normal to be able to talk with and go do things with your dad. She thinks maybe we�re the weird family. I told her people are busy and tend to lose sight of what�s important in life�for short term goals.

Maybe I should see if she�s willing to read my thread. It�s the same thing I�ve been saying all along but maybe it�ll be different�wishful thinking probably. I know the only end to this is separation/divorce. I just have a hard time accepting there is no alternative.

I should probably move my thread to the divorce forum and post when I pull that trigger; instead of venting for no reason. Thanks for reading my rant�it�s nice to have someone or somewhere to talk things through.

We usually recommend Plan B during divorce proceedings.
Less stress on you.
Then, 99.9999999% of the time, we recommend Plan B once the divorce is final.

You are dismissing a great tool designed to prevent stress and keep you sane.

I know...my fear is losing time with my kids or her trying to repace me while I'm several thousand miles away. The last AO she had she said she'd let me take the kids so they can finish school. I know she said that in anger and didn't mean it.

Am I sounding like I'm in left field? I know after supervising several hundred of Americas finest someone too close to the problem can't see the forest for the trees.

If "left field" means lost and without a Plan, I'd say yes.
You definitely do not work the essence of "The Art Of War in the context of your marriage.




Military?
Explain to me, please.

Lost...Yes! I agree but want to self sooth thinking I have a plan. It's killing me I can't seem to find a way to solve this without breaking my family. That's a bitter pill to swollow afer years of probem solving.

Yes, I am military and have had supervised several hundred personnel. I've seen more cases of female spouses beating, cheating, and general insanity than I care to remember. Too many times I've had to hold some pore young mans hand and walk him through the councelor/divorce/child support/paying bills when he didn't deserve it and part of the working poor. Inevitably many cases of "I love her" while she's bumping ugly with some $hit bag and one case he took his own life.

That's why I say maybe I'm too close to the situation to see rationaly. I'd like to think I'm not clouded but after all stuff I've seen...hard to believe. I can't do plan B from different continents 3000 miles / $5000 airplane tickets away. Divorce with the posibility of losing my kids is unaceptable...hence self imposed limbo.

I wish Dr. Harley had a plan C.

What branch, if you don't mind saying?

USAF

I almost overlooked this gem.
I hear ya.
I solved other people's problems for a living too. Or. I should say I offered solutions to their problems.
When my own M fell into the toilet, I was literally on my knees with humility .... stunned by my lack of ability to wrangle the "right solution".

Like it or not notsotuff, yours is a spiritual journey.

Are you sure you understand what plan B is?

At a high level it is the following steps:

Separate from your partner where you have very little contact. You need to protect yourself from the hurt.
Provide a Plan B letter that explains the conditions that must be met before you�d consider leaving Plan B.

If you are 3000 miles away from her and your kids are with you � I think that still works. Someone more experienced on the traits of Plan B could chime in here.

Certainly if you have to fly the kids back to see her that�s a horrible option. But you�ll have that option regardless of Plan B or D.

Read more on it here ----> When to call it quits.

Did you read what he recommended for Ellen?

If it helps at all Dr. Harley recommends a man doing Plan A for 2 years before going to Plan B. Sounds like you feel you've done a solid Plan A for 3.

So you're overdue.

I�ve tried to stay aloof as no one could figure out who I am but maybe that won�t work. I talked to my kids about divorce my daughter said she would choose to stay with Mom. She was worried about how she would take care of herself�without me to do it.

My daughter is beyond smart and we talk weekly as she plans to attend Georgia Tech in the mechanical engineer program. If she stays with her mother she will not graduate high school as no American school will be available. On base it would cost $10K per year and I told her we could not afford it. As a head strong teen, should couldn�t be swayed and came back with any job would be ok.

I won�t have that on my conscious, with the other bad choices I�ve made.

I'm sure everyone has had their childrens future in mind. My Son and Daughter are my world....so, what should I do?

How old are your kids? (please remind me)

Daughter 15 and Son 12 soon to be 13 in a few days.

My nephew's son just turned 13.
We bought him the Rob Reiner DVD/movie "Stand By Me". A wonderful coming of age movie about boys. Have you seen it? Great soundtrack too. Bonus!

Anywho, my DD is 23, my DS is 25. Correction ! he is 26 almost 27 !!!
Guess what?
They grow up and lead their own lives.
They make some decisions I don't like very much, but I am sure the reverse is true as well.

If your kids are the center of your life now, what are your plans for when they are no longer willing to play that role?

PS:
Son is soon going to deploy to Afghanistan.
He did not POJA that decision with me!!!!
Just another one of life's lessons ... teaching me that I am not in control of most things.
LOL

I agree as my daughter had mentioned joining the military to help pay for college...I'm not crazy about it but if she's old enough, I can't stop her. My son plans on being a leach as long as he can get away with it! In all this I'm sure you agree 12 and 15 are vastly different from 10 years later...when I can't be in control or at least guiding their decisons.

I promised them when they were born...I would not be like my father and would be by their side as long as they let me. No surrender...No retreat...always faithful!