Well, you have a lot of previous bad behavior to atone for.
Harley has written about becoming irresistible to your spouse.

LINK to discussion His Needs Her Needs.

In the following link, we MBers discussed an article written by Dr Harley's son, Steve Harley.

"When you have hurt your spouse"

It does not matter if you did not intend to hurt your wife.
What matters is you learn how not to hurt your wife.
Good intentions just don't get the job done.

DNT, find out why saying: "I never meant to hurt you." is counterproductive to helping your marriage.

As you become a disciplined man, your mind will understand your life with a deeper understanding.

This link is to another discussion, me rambling on about ~~~> [color:#CC0000]"locus of control"[/color]

The locus of control is all about self management. Self discipline.

This is not to undermine what role God plays. However, we are not God's puppets. He has given us choices to make. What we do with our choices makes up our character.

I like you DNT. I listened to you on the radio. I see so much potential within you.

Time to work your MB muscles.

LINK to BRF discussion.

Read the thread through. You will eventually get to the POJA rules.

Just the start .....


DNT, it's time to be a BUYER.

Pep I thank for all of this. It's exceptional...BUT I have more bad news. I met with the mediators today for our consultation. My W couldn't make it and conference in by phone. She confidently restated her intentions of going though with the divorce. She's done...that's all there is to it. I know her. I hear it in her voice. I see it in her eyes (when I do see them). Wow... I'm still committed to working on me, but I just can't stand to imagine the pain this will cause our children. There is no history of divorce in my family. I have cursed our legacy.

So as I was listening to MB radio today and Dr. Harley was making the statement he beleives "that if a BS wants out of the marriage then I say go for it!" Joyce asks why do you say it so bluntly (not exact words)... Dr. Harley then repsonds and said because infidelty is the worst thing a person will ever experience... AT THAT VERY SECOND...I kid you not - the process server shows up in front of my house to serve the D papers. I took them, told her I was sorry about the evening before, and she prayed for us.

Any ideas what I should be doing in Plan A, having been served D papers. I've not been committing any LB's. We have been discussion the "business" of separating...ie removing names from joint bank accounts, gym memberships, car insurance, etc..etc. It pains me with each discussion or text, but no LB's. Tonight as my kiddos were over, we had dinner... I mentioned that I was thinking about getting a couple of tickets to the symphony. I mentioned how we had such a good nice time last time we went. She agree "it was nice". I then said maybe we can check it out just to get out. She didn't really respond any further, which I am actually happy about. Her rejection has been brutal...but that's been my fault, because I've asking to give us another chance. A no no, right? Is there anything else I should be doing?

Have you given her a list of EP that you are willing to take no matter what she decides? EP, just because you never had them before and EP's that you are willing to stick with until the divorce is final or even further.

Just a thought.

I have not the form of EP's MB style, just a list of promises. I borrowed this from another thread a while back with intentions of giving it to her. How does it look?

Extraordinary Precautions
I will protect my spouse and their feelings above all else.
1. I will not participate in any one-on-one meetings with anyone of the opposite sex.
2. I will not discuss my personal marriage issues with anyone of the opposite sex.
3. I will not attend clubs, strip joints, or any such establishment
4. I agree to use POJA as a basis for all decisions.
5. I will be open and honest with my spouse at all times about the past and present.
6. I will provide my spouse a daily schedule of all appointments and contact information.
7. If I need to make an adjustment to my schedule, I will notify my spouse of the change immediately.
8. I will make my spouse�s phone calls my highest priority by answering them or returning them immediately.
9. I will avoid all chat rooms, porn, member sites, etc.
10. I will trade phones with my spouse at any time they request, NO questions asked.
11. I will leave my phone accessible to my spouse at night/or anytime I�m home.
12. I will commit to at least 15 hours of undivided attention with my spouse to meet each other�s ENs every week (time working together does not count toward those 15 hours .
13. If AP finds a way to make contact, I will immediately end the contact and notify my spouse about it immediately after.
14. I will install a keylogger, GPS, or any other tracking system my spouse may request.
15. Anytime I have the thought, �I don�t want my spouse to know about��.�, I will call my spouse immediately and tell them my thoughts.
16. Provide access to all email accounts.
17. Eliminate all social networking accounts (i.e., Face book, Classmates, My Space, etc.
18. Take a polygraph on demand
19. List out passwords for all business and personal computer logins, and any other passwords my spouse does not have access to.
20. Install software that tracks all internet use, giving my spouse administrative access.
21. Anything else my spouse wants as a boundary.

In my final divorce court, although not stated in writing, the judge said "Both parents have the right to know where the children are at all times and phone numbers to speak to them"

Didn't know if I should have posted in the divorcing forum or here, so I did both. My apologies for double dipping.

Well.. We had a temporary hearing on yesterday. One of the roughest days of my life. My wife managed to get an overzealous attorney and I knew how this was unfold the moment he called me two days before the trial wanting to meet with me at court to "work out an agreement". Yeah right... I quickly retained the attorney that I had been consulting with for over a week. I had begun putting my case (financial and children matters) together for weeks now expecting the worse. The worse happened. I spoke again with my W�s attorney the day before the hearing and agreed to meet with he and my W. I called my W the night before and informed her that I retained a different attorney (our mutual friend), she stated that she understood and that she was fine with that. See, my W has always stated that she wanted a quick, peaceful, easy D. I gently suggested to her that it usually never happens that way. She was certain that would. I offered mediation SEVERAL times and to pay for all of it up until the 11th hour and she never agreed.

We all met shortly before court began and NOTHING was agreeable. They requested that I pay a ridiculous amount of child support after leaving me with the mortgage, pay her attorney�s fees, a minimal visitation schedule, yada yada. Both me and my attorney shook our heads in disbelief that my W was being so disagreeable. It was scary, the pain and hurt is still alive and well and there is nonone to blame but me. HOWEVER, I wasn�t about to be bullied into something wildly unreasonable. To our rejecting their offer, her attorney snarls at us a says �ok, forget it, let�s let the judge decide!�. I simply stated to my attorney��ok, let�s do it�.

As God would have it, we were the last case of 6 on the docket leaving us with an empty court room to hash out all the ugly details. We made our same preliminary motion to continue counseling (we have a session today�today!) to the court that we made in the pretrial meeting�which of course they did not accept. So the hearing moved forward. My W took the stand and reiterated all the details of our relationship that has been outlined in my thread. Then came time for my attorney and our friend to cross examine and she LET, HER, HAVE IT. She pounded her with my text message history of her withdrawing and lack of visitation with the children, her taking large sums of money out of our account, her still attending counseling and yet not being willing to consider reconciliation�you name�she through the kitchen sink at her and the judge was visibly bewildered at times. I�ve never been so nervous for my wife.

I had watery eyes throughout the entire hearing. I brought in the last Christmas 8x10 photo of our family which made it more emotional for me. My attorney later used it on me to invoke emotion as I took the stand and presented in to me again during her questioning�wow. My testimony was the same as been stated in these threads even the admission of the infidelity is now on court record. Oh well, it�s truth but then judge scolded me for it after cross examination. Speaking of which, was pretty weak on her attorneys part. It did as best he could of characterizing me as an abuser by asking how many holes have I punched in the walls several times and could I provide a list of things that I have broken and had to replace. I simply told him 1 hole, and I broke my laptop while watching a football game (my Texas Longhorns were getting hammered by Oklahoma). He made a few more accusations of which were both untrue�stating did I have an affair in Jan 2013, which the answer was NO!. I made it clear, and my attorney re-crossed to make it clear that I disclosed infidelity in Jan 2013, but the occurrences happened in 2003.

So after all of that�the judge declared the following. I would be solely responsible for the mortgage (house for sale). While giving the temporary orders the judge said �I�m going to being very lenient with you sir�. She ordered that I would pay much less in child support than standard. My W would have to reimburse me for the insurance that I already pay that covers her, myself, and our children. She would have return 50% of the funds that was taken out of our account by May 1st. I would not be responsible for her attorney�s fees. Standard visitation with my children starts immediately�as in TODAY!!!! And finally, she ordered that we attend conflict resolution classes. The class is in 12 sessions. So I assume once per week, giving us at minimum 4 weeks to husband/wife interaction.

Though my attorney called it a victory, I don�t. I won�t claim a victory until our marriage and family is restored. But I do believe legal justice was served for now. My W and my attorney hugged and exchanged pleasantries on the way out of court several times.

I want to give my sincere thanks�thanks�thanks to you all of you guys for strongly suggesting I get an attorney. I honestly would not have done so otherwise. You guys literally saved my rear-end!

Let�s see what todays therapy session holds for us�

Therapy went pretty well. My W began by communicating that she was quite bothered that I hired a friend to assassinate her character on the stand. I knew that would be coming considering the outcome. She didn't say much more about it. We then did a communication of hurts and/or issues exercise where we took turns for 15 minutes sharing and listening without responding. For her it was the fact that she needs US to be in agreement that we are headed for divorce. There are no alternatives. When asked to respond, I simply stated I could not agree to divorce but, I understood her position. It was productive overall and something I think we will continue on our own. Our therapist does a good job of navigating the conversation in the direction it should go. After the session, we spent another 20-30 minutes in the lobby talking about the children and their new school. I enjoyed hearing her talk and know that I scored some LB deposits as I listened attentively. As we prepared to leave she leaned toward me for friendly hug and said "I love you"...and looked at me with a reassuring look and said "I really mean that". I echoed what she said. She then says "I think we are going to be ok". I knew she wasn't referring to the marriage but rather as "friends", that she always wanted us to be. I just said "yes, we will be ok". She suspiciously asked "what do you mean by that?" Honestly, I don't think I responded in way that would call my motives into question. But as I walked away I just said I believe in the God of miracles. Smiled, got into my truck, and we parted ways.

Later, I got to pick-up my kiddos from school today. My W met me there and introduced me initially as "my husband". I wondered how long she would keep it up. I then noticed her catching her self and began to say their "dad". Took my kiddos home alone with me for the 1st time in a month and we had a great time. Per court order I drove them back to my W's residence. My oldest went with me. She invited me inside and I sat by as my excited 5yr old played more with his big brother. We made some small talk about getting a realtor to sell our home. Talk a little more about the kiddos and a book that she reads to them. She suggested that I may want to read to them as well...but it was somewhat of an order. The visit felt awkward as one would imagine, seeing all of my furniture there. I made the best of it and left peaceably. I'll pick them up again on tomorrow and they will spend the weekend with me!

Good job.

Did you ever email Dr. H?

Oh yes! I was a caller on 2/20

I remember that. I guess I should have asked, have you sent him another email? Since she filed?

No I haven't since she filed. I wasn't quite sure what could be done or said at this point. I will send another.

Any opinions on tagging my W on Facebook in a picture or two with a messages of admiration or belief in our love as a public display of affection? LB deposit...yes or no?

No. <~~~ my vote (just my opinion)

Why would anyone, that is trying to survive an affair, have a facebook account. Just sayin..