My wife and I have been married just under 9 years..together for about 11. We have two small children 3 and 5.

Long story short she told me in January she had been very unhappy in our marriage for 2 years--since she had had an emotional affair via-phone that she broke off after 2 months. She said I never was a good leader and didn't meet any of her emotional needs and wanted to end our marriage. Since neither of us would leave she started an in house separation. This was a tremendous wakeup call for me and I snapped out of what I realized was an almost 10 year struggle with depression...which is why I was such a crappy husband. I put all my waking hours into self development and trying to meet her needs. Then in Feb I found out that she had been having another affair for about 3 months, only this was a physical one as well.

Since I found out-(by contacting the man I suspected,not her telling me) she has asked for forgiveness and broken off all contact with the man, but is still not happy with me. She says she has never really enjoyed being with me and I have never really been the type of man she needed- The guy she had the affair with was a type A personality- ex Navy Seal and a firefighter- That's the type of guys she says she needs. I am not nor never will be that type of guy, but I have been working very hard to be a stronger leader, husband, and to meet her needs, but it has not been helping. She says although she sees the changes its just funny to watch me act that way and she doesn't think she will ever be happy with me or love me like she wants to.

We have been in counseling for about a month and she wants to continue going and staying in the house, but doesn't want to really do anything with me other than family stuff. I am very committed to our marriage and want it to work, but am emotionally drained and tired of not getting any respect. Is this lost cause or should I continue to fight for this and hope I can win her back?

She met the OM through a mutual friend about a year ago.. From what she said he started to pursue her in November. He is divorced.

She sent him a letter stating she no longer wanted contact with him and showed it to me. She also blocked him from all social media and phone. However she admits she still looks at his instagram page from time to time.

We have been intimate since then, but she is very back and forth every few days about it. Some days she wants to be with me others she doesn't.

She has not beed STD tested.

the guy is not a good guy and has been arrested for assault withing the past year

We have been in counseling for about a month and she wants to continue going and staying in the house, but doesn't want to really do anything with me other than family stuff. I am very committed to our marriage and want it to work, but am emotionally drained and tired of not getting any respect. Is this lost cause or should I continue to fight for this and hope I can win her back?

Marital Counseling History Questionnaire
Name ______________________________________________________________ Duration of current marriage ________ Number of children from current marriage __________ Number of previous marriages ________
Number of children from previous marriages __________
Age _____ Education (years completed) _______
Are you currently employed outside your home? Yes ____ No ____
If so, how many hours per week do you usually work? _______
What is your present occupation? _______________________________
Age of oldest (or only) child ________ Age of youngest child _______
Best time to be reached ____________
Has infidelity ever been an issue in your marriage? Yes ____ No _____
Is infidelity an issue in your marriage now? Yes ____ No _____
Are drugs and/or alcohol an issue in your marriage now? Yes ____ No _____
If you need additional space for the items below, please use the back side of this page.
Books you have read on the topic of marriage ____________________________________
Seminars you have attended on the topic of marriage ______________________________
Briefly describe any counseling you have received in the past. Include dates, specific goals, and the outcome of the counseling. (Did you achieve your goals?)
1. Dates_____________________________ Goals ________________________________________________________________ Outcome ______________________________________________________________
2. Dates _________________________________________________________________ Goals _________________________________________________________________ Outcome ______________________________________________________________

She says she has not contacted her lover since she wrote him a letter, but still thinks of him often. It's only been a few weeks so I don't expect her to be over him so quickly, but do you think that this is what is killing her motivation?

"The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
<snip unrelated>

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details."