|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,079
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,079 |
I have not posted here for quite awhile. Used to comment here quite alot, but busy now (and happily so) with a small amount of paid work and quite alot of volunteer work.
Anyway, it was a good feeling today to have a 'woman's view' of my apartment today. She is the first female over the age of 30 to set foot in here. I don't have any relatives who are nearby, hence no female visitors - do you believe that! I'm married, and age 70, so those are the reasons. Unfortunately my wife and I are separated, and have been for two years now, not by choice of either of us, but by her health, after being together for 40 years. She is in a nursing home. After that amount of time I had grown so used to the female opinion of home, decor, etc - i.e., "hang the picure there" "Tom. don't you have any color taste", "That's an ugly lanmp - why did you buy that where are we going to put it!".
The feeliing I have now is that I feel good about being confirmed regarding what aI did. It would take a women to convey that.
Yes, I would say we are friends. She is a caretaker attending to a neighbor of mine and we run into each other ocasionally . We got to talking about a year ago when I encountered her and I learned she loves plants. Gave her a couple of my geraniums then
So, today I ran into her, we talked in front of my place, she saw and seemed to admice our cats looking out the wwindow and I felt obliged to invuite her in.
Her first comment was "This is really a guy's place" I think the only reason is she saw my sweatsirts and jeans draped over a couple of chairs and a few socks on the floor. She also saw alot of books some weights, and maybe simply the placement of some of the few decorations (trinkets) we have. First thing I did honestly is showed her a pict of my wife andI that is on the cabinet and she simply guessed that she was a teacher - which she ws. Showing her the pciture just seemed instictive to me.
Important thing to me - a woman's opibiob. Yea, it's gratifying to me that someone would say my place is kewl On the other hand, I felt condient in iviting her in. It was just good to see a woman's viw of wther Ilive and to take about what each of us does during the workdays.
The above eing said. I see nothing wrong with opposite sex friendship as long as each person realizes and maintains the dignity and integrety of each and every indicidual and marriage.
My overall point - think that too many of you - yea vets included - need to back off the condemnation of male-female friendhips.
Tom
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956 Likes: 1 |
Your view differs greatly from that of Marriage Builders. The fact is that most affairs begin with an OS friendship, and that's why MB recommends against them.
Lots of people go into these friendships declaring the dignity and integrity of their marriage, and they're blindsided when they end up falling in love.
Not every friendship will lead to this, of course, but many of them do, so the MB stance is why take this chance of hurting deeply those we love and promised to care for?
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,589
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,589 |
Tom,
Having an opposite sex close friend is a very slippery slope that can lead to immeasurable pain. My H had a friendship, going on smoke breaks, then having lunch, then a friendly gesture on a birthday, then a declaration of love, then groping and sex before work three days a week for six months until I discovered what was happening. It was horrible for our family and for the other woman's family. It nearly destroyed all of us, children included.
There is no reason to invite this risk. Certainly, it is not MB advice. You have "too good" feelings for this woman. You have already crossed the line.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
The above eing said. I see nothing wrong with opposite sex friendship as long as each person realizes and maintains the dignity and integrety of each and every indicidual and marriage.
My overall point - think that too many of you - yea vets included - need to back off the condemnation of male-female friendhips. How do you think affairs start, Tom? The thousands of betrayed spouses over on the Surviving an Affair board see something very wrong with opposite sex friendships since that is how 99% of affairs begin. Many lives have been wrecked when married people have opposite sex friendships, so believe me, we won't be "backing off" on this board. Have you learned nothing in all the time you have been here? "Affairs are almost always with friends and co-workers. That's because the people you work with and those you spend leisure time with are usually in the best position to meet your most important emotional needs. But in the world of the internet, total strangers can also meet your emotional needs through chat rooms and e-mail because they meet your need for conversation so effectively. Do you and your spouse talk as much and as deeply as you talk to people on the internet? If not, watch out. As you probably know, an affair through the internet is becoming one of the most dangerous risks of owning a computer." "One of the extraordinary precautions I mention when discussing the topic of avoiding affairs is to rule out friends of the opposite sex. To many, my recommendation seems to be an overreaction at best and downright paranoid and controlling at worst. After all, it's healthy to have friends of the opposite sex whether or not you're married. Right?
Well, it's been my experience counseling thousands of couples that opposite-sex friends pose the greatest risk for infidelity. True, there are those who go shopping for sex on the internet or have one-night stands with total strangers while on a trip. But that's not the typical affair. The most common affair is with someone who has become a friend.
Work is a place that many find these friendships, but they are also found in recreational settings, volunteer organizations, and even church. What starts out as casual conversation develops into intimate conversation where personal problems are revealed and help is offered by the friend. Massive Love Bank deposits are made when that happens. The next thing you know, you're hooked." "We regard infidelity as the worst offense in marriage. More damaging than physical abuse."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Love bank deposits:it was a good feeling today I feel good about being confirmed regarding what aI did It would take a women to convey that We got to talking about a year ago when I encountered her and I learned she loves plants. Gave her a couple of my geraniums then admire our cats looking out the window showed her a pict of my wife Important thing to me - a woman's opibiob. Yea, it's gratifying to me that someone would say my place is kewl It was just good to see a woman's viw of wther Ilive and to take about what each of us does during the workdays.
Talking/sharing with that nice woman enriched your existence. You liked it very much. Which is why I pointed out love bank deposits. If this had been a man visiting with you, you would not have felt so wonderful afterwards.I see nothing wrong with opposite sex friendship as long as each person realizes and maintains the dignity and integrety of each and every indicidual and marriage.
You could have enjoyed this pleasure without posting to MB about it. But instead, you wrote ....
My overall point - think that too many of you - yea vets included - need to back off the condemnation of male-female friendhips.
Dr Harley pays for these forums so the public can have access to his ideas for FREE.
I hope you appreciate Dr Harley's generosity.
Sticking it to Dr Harley is unnecessary.
You are free to enjoy your life and do whatever you want. Coming to Dr Harley's forums to justify actions opposite to MB concepts is very ungrateful and hostile.
Last edited by Pepperband; 04/01/13 08:55 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
This post is written for any LURKERS or MB newbies!!!!Tom, you may choose to ignore it. Or, not.The Love Bank
Inside all of us is a Love Bank with accounts in the names of everyone we know. When these people are associated with our good feelings, "love units" are deposited into their accounts, and when they are associated with our bad feelings, love units are withdrawn. We are emotionally attracted to people with positive balances and repulsed by those with negative balances. This is the way our emotions encourage us to be with people who seem to treat us well, and avoid those who seem to hurt us.
The emotional reactions we have toward people, whether attraction or repulsion, is not a matter of choice. Love Bank balances cause them. Try "choosing" to be attracted to those you associate with some of your worst experiences -- it's almost impossible. Or try to feel repulsed by those associated with your best feelings. You do not decide whom you will like or dislike -- it's their association with your feelings, whether they have made Love Bank deposits or withdrawals, that determines your emotional reactions to them.
We like those with positive Love Bank balances and dislike those with negative balances. But if an account reaches a certain threshold, a very special emotional reaction is triggered -- romantic love. We no longer simply like the person -- we are in love. It's a feeling of incredible attraction to someone of the opposite sex.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
For the LURKERS reading this ~~~~> The original poster has decided that one of Dr Harley's BASIC CONCEPTS is false. My overall point - think that too many of you - yea vets included - need to back off the condemnation of male-female friendhips. The original poster denies the existence/importance of THE LOVE BANK. Here is a *** link *** to MB Basic Concepts. <~~~ for the LURKER/NEWBIE. Happy marriage building ! 
Last edited by Pepperband; 04/01/13 10:18 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
My overall point - think that too many of you - yea vets included - need to back off the condemnation of male-female friendhips. Tom, the received wisdom of the so-called "vets" comes from Dr. Harley, and this is his board. The board exists to promulgate those views. If I had a friendship with a woman to get "her view" it would hurt Prisca like hell, so that's a great reason for me not to do it. The last thing she would need is people that side with me and justify me in such offensive behavior.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
Tom,
Why dont you divorce your wife?
Do you visit her?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1 |
from Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?
One of the extraordinary precautions I mention when discussing the topic of avoiding affairs is to rule out friends of the opposite sex. To many, my recommendation seems to be an overreaction at best and downright paranoid and controlling at worst. After all, it's healthy to have friends of the opposite sex whether or not you're married. Right?
Well, it's been my experience counseling thousands of couples that opposite-sex friends pose the greatest risk for infidelity. True, there are those who go shopping for sex on the internet or have one-night stands with total strangers while on a trip. But that's not the typical affair. The most common affair is with someone who has become a friend.
<snip>
Dear Dr. Harley,
I am thirty-four years old and my wife is a few years younger. We have been married for ten years and have two children together ages seven and five -- no other children or prior marriages. After discovering some compelling evidence that my wife has been having an emotional affair with a co-worker, I confronted her about it. At first she denied it, but after reading some things on your website about what an emotional affair is, she apologized for it. She said she was just talking to him as a friend and getting a male perspective. Since then (Oct. 2009), she said, she has not seen or talked to him until this last Saturday morning. It was her typical work day, but not his. I believe it stirred up feelings in her. She called me right away when she found out that he was there. Do I mention to her boss about what is happening - so they do not work together again? I'm devastated.
<snip>
Your wife's relationship with her co-worker probably began with ordinary conversation about work-related issues that developed into intimate conversation when they talked about their personal problems. It was probably very innocent at first, because neither understood that they were making massive deposits into each other's Love Banks. But before long, those deposits triggered intense feelings of love that they communicated to each other, and the rest is history.
What happened to your wife, happens thousands of times every day to husbands and wives who feel they should be able to have friends of the opposite sex. They don't see the danger of falling in love when their intimate emotional needs are met outside of marriage. They usually understand that sex is off limits. But they rarely see intimate conversation (communication of emotional reactions and personal problems) as the first step to an affair. If enough Love Bank deposits are made to trigger romantic love, then our instincts to meet the intimate emotional needs of affection and sexual fulfillment become almost irresistible. Your wife has said that her affair was just emotional, but you can be sure that if you had not discovered it and she had not put an end to it, it would have become sexual as well. I dun got snippy.
Last edited by HoldHerHand; 04/01/13 01:06 PM.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
I took a quick look at your posting history, Tom, and one of your threads caught my eye immediately. "Told a Beautiful Woman HowBeautiful She is Today" http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=161855&Number=2438809#Post2438809Yea, I told this woman that, an it took a good dealof courage and honesty with my values. The reason I had the courage to tell her that is because she is beautiful for a woman and I just felt I wanted to tell her. She is married, a clerk at a conveience store, but still, just by me saying that I felt that it was an honest compliment, period. I did not anticipte hr telling me that she has had that told to her ten times a day...that is what she told me. I do know her husband, he that store. It was just a compiment and I feel good about it and so did she. There is not further, nothing, no hidden agenda, or anything like that. She could have slapped my face, but instead she waived the price of an item I bought and then wanted to talk. Women love to talk when they feel comfy, but I left with my purchases. So not only does this tell me you have a history of poor boundaries with women, but that you can also have a history of making yourself feel better about flirting by twisting into something positive you have done for yourself "took honesty & courage" etc.... 
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
357
guests, and
54
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,618
Posts2,323,473
Members71,916
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
