We have done the first step, but not the second step. Our councellor said she is going to move into "phase two" next week so I will ask her about what that means.

A big issue right now is our schedules are completely opposite. I work late and and every saturday she is up early and in bed when I get home most nights. We don't even have 4 hours a week let alone 20 to spend together.

I am looking at a new job now that will give me a 8-4 mon- fri schedule that I think will help a lot, but there is a big pay cut. One of her top EN is Financial Support, so she is not really on board with the job move, but I know it will help. One of her biggest complaints is she felt like she has been a single mom for years and is just used to me not being around.

AGree. Working opposite shifts are terrible for marriages because the couple grows apart. You can't sustain a marriage working opposite shifts. Great that you are resolving this!

Did your wife tell you the full truth about the affair?

yea she wrote me out a letter of how it happend..and I confirmed it with the man when i called him

Does the story make sense to you? Do you believe what they told you?

Also, have you independently confirmed he is indeed divorced?

Yeah the story isn't too hard to beleive. It was easy to put together because I had suspisions on where she was going on certain days anyway, which she confirmed in her letter to me.

I saw the public record that he has been divorced for 3 years.

So you all were right. My wife talked to the guy again last friday. I confronted her about and it and she said that she just wanted to talk to him and that it just isn't going to work with us. She feels she's been honest and up front about how she feels about me from the beginning and that I just wouldn't give in. She also says that my family and I will never look at her the same, so that's part of it too...that's may be true, but my family has all forgiven her, but she just won't change her ways.

I flipped out pretty bad and said some pretty mean stuff out of anger, so I don't think there is much to save at this point. Anymore suggestions? We are suppossed to go to councelling wed, but I'm not sure that's gonna happen.

What does this guy do for a living? Have you seen his facebook page?

Do you have children?

He's a firefighter...and and ex Navy Seal. Seen his FB page and its pretty disgusting. Full of pics of half naked women and rants about beating people up and drinking. He seems like a 40 year old frat boy.

Yes we have a 3 and a 5 year old. That's the main reason I'm still fightting

When does she plan on moving out? I would sit her down and paint a real ugly picture for her. For example, tell her that you won't stay in the marriage as it is. That she either ends her affair or this will go to divorce. And if she doesn't end it, you will divorce her on grounds of adultery. [if you live in a fault state - even though in many no fault states they do take adultery into account.]

Let her know you will be going for full possession of the house and primary custody of the kids. You won't be her "friend" but will be using a method called "parallel parenting" so you never have to see or speak to her again. [real important to say this to a wayward wife because you being her "friend" is all part of the fantasy]


Tell her you will have it in the separation - custody papers that your children never be exposed to her POSOM because she associates with such scum.

See, she fantasizes that you will roll over, move out like a good sheep and the OM will replace you. And if you do move out, that is the plan!!

So, go CALMLY paint a very ugly, nasty divorce fight where she have to find new digs.

And be sure and ask her "when will you be moving out?"

JFisch,

You need to expose this OM to his chain of command at the fire station, and whatever other governmental entity oversees the fire department. Do this all at once. Keep a recorder on you if he threatens you report him to the police immediately.

OMs relatives of every description also need to be exposed, along with any church he goes to.

BTW his military service may just be another lie, I frequently see where a really undistinguished soldier will claim some other soldiers stories for his own. More likely he was dishonorably discharged, you may want to research that too.

God Bless
Gamma

I agree with Gamma. Honor & Committment are what a SEAL is. What he is doing does not add up to what he claims to be. An old friend of mine used to say, "You are what you are, not what you profess to be".

If he was a SEAL, try to track down those he served with. If anyone would have influence over him, they would.

Is he married or have a girlfriend?

He is divorced and has no other GF as far as I know. He has 2 teenage boys that he has split custody of.

I have asked her to leave several times, but she refuses. She doesn't want to live with the OM either since she knows it will never work out with him and is just using him as a good time for now. She has been to a lawyer and knows the laws in Virginia, which to kick out a spouse takes a court order. This can take upwards of 6 months.

She also knows the courts will most likely give her custodial care of the kids since she works from home and I work FT out of the house. The kids are not in school full time,so I would have to get a babysitter for 5hrs or more per day,which the courts will look down on. I confirmed this with my lawyer and she said it would be extremely unlikely I would win and cost lots of money

She is an extremely selfish person..always has been and is unwilling to give in to any demands I make. Since we both work and each provide 50% of the income she is by law entitled to anything we share just as much as I am..even if her name isnt on the deed or car.

My lawyers advice was to stay in the house and work on getting her kicked out, but that if I do I most likely would be kickng out the kids too since she would take them...and legally be able to. So I am torn since I don't want to take my kids out of thier home, but do not want to leave either.

As far as I can see from Snooping the OM has not been pursuing my wife anymore...she is the one initiating contact. I know this from reading his last e-mail after she wrote him the No contact letter. He said she was not what he thought and was tired of dealing with her games. I also know this because he was blocked from all communication, social media, and doesnt know where we live...I confirmed this finally by looking at our phone records yesterday and she called him Friday twice...he has not called her at all since he was blocked.

Of course there is always FB, which she can send messages and then delete them, so even if I look at her page I wouldn't know for sure.

JFisch,

Think of it this way infidelity is a disease your WW caught from a rat i.e. OM, you kill the rat, but nurse your WW back to health. Expose OM to eliminate danger of reinfection, I'm sure his teenage sons have facebook.

God Bless
Gamma

Do you have a keylogger on her computer? Spyware on her phone?

Ok so today at councelling my wife demanded a seperation and said she did not want to be together at all. She said if I didn't leave she would and would take the kids with her...She could get a temporary custody agreement since she can prove easily she is the primary care giver, so I don't doubt she would do this.
The councellor who is a christian councellor didn't try to motivate her to stay and moved into having us talk about what a seperation would looke like. In an emotionally weak state I backed down and said I would leave so that the kids wouldn't be uprooted, and with the assumption that this was a temporary thing since we were going to meet again in a month after I moved out. However shortly after leaving my wife said that she had a female friend that she wanted to move in as a roomate, but that she wanted to switch the utilities over into her name and blocked me and my family from social media. This was never a temporary thing and I feel extremely manipulated and angry for letting her play me that way. She is getting everything how she wants it and I would be getting nothing.

I am going to tell her I changed my mind, and that she needs to be the one to leave..even if it means taking the children. They will still be able to be with me nights and weekends since I am switghing work to get a 7:30-4 schedule.

Do you all think this is a good idea? Or will it only make it worse to go back on what I said now?

If I let this happen I know I will end up being extremely angry and bitter for a very long time.

Moving out would be the absolute dumbest thing you could do. You need to file for divorce because she is getting ready to take you to the cleaners. I would file on grounds of adultery and get a court order to get her moved out.

Go see your lawyer tomorrow.

The counselor will support her in seeking an "amicable" divorce as do most counselors. Go read this thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...&Number=1984719&nt=2&fpart=1

I would not let her take your children without a court order.

Dude, I really wish you would listen to melody lane. Marriage counselors are nothing but divorce facilitators. See where it got you?

Have you exposed your wife and POSOM?

Get back into your house and stop making things easy for your WW.