My mother has lived with my husband and me for the past fifteen years.

It was my husband's idea (well, my idea too, but he vocalized it first) to buy a home where we all could live.

If she did not live with us, she would have had no place to go; in retrospect, she probably would have rented rooms in someone's basement or have found a similar situation.

That wasn't acceptable to either of us.

I have two sisters; one cannot help (she cannot support herself) and the other chooses not to. (Selfishness is not a problem for her; she is an OW-turned wife in an affairage).

The situation has worked for us, HOWEVER, we have ample room for everyone - our home has an attached apartment that is fully self-sufficient.

I cannot imagine that the circumstance you are anticipating could work for anyone, though, unless there was a set-in-stone end date only a short time away.

That's it - just chiming in.

BV

Thank you for sharing this.

I do know other people who have made a situation like this work. Yes, they do have more room than we do right now, but they don't all have mother-in-law quarters.

We have been in this apartment for 2 years. When we first moved here, my H was just starting a 2 1/2 year online MBA program. Now, he is less than 6 months away from graduating. I think (hope) his job prospects will increase once he actually has his degree. That's the whole reason why he went back to school. But an education takes time, and he's had to juggle a full-time job and a full-time education, along with a family, for a couple of years now. It doesn't leave a lot of time to job hunt, though he has been doing that as much as possible too.

So, I understand everyone's concerns, but we are taking steps to improve our situation. Sometimes, it takes a while to see results. We've been in sort of delayed gratification mode for a while as my H is finishing up his degree. I certainly hope some of this starts to pay off soon. I agree that we're going to be in tough situation if it doesn't.

Here's another.
Radio Clip on Aging Mother

I addressed the problem solving skills/floating along issue above I think. Our solution to our financial troubles was to send my H back to school. It is taking a while, so I can see how it wouldn't look like we're making much progress. But he's very close to being done now, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

As far as getting her out, no that won't happen. Her coming to live with us will in all likelihood be permanent. The part that isn't permanent is all of us staying in our current apartment. We all definitely agree that we need to get into a larger place ASAP. The easiest way for this to happen is for my H to focus on his job search and find a position in an area with a cheaper cost of living. That is our main goal right now.

I agree about my mom's problem solving skills. Yes, she has known she would have to deal with this eventually. Her solution was to let me know a long time ago that she wanted to come and live with us when the time came. It's not like we never had conversations about this. I'll admit I wasn't always honest with her regarding my feelings about the situation. I'm working on that. Communication wasn't great in my family. I've always had a hard time talking to my mom and being honest with her about my feelings. It just wasn't done in my family. It's hard for me to break out of that mold, but I am trying.

She does have diabetes and bad knees. She uses a wheelchair when we go out places that require a lot of walking because of her knees. She can walk short distances though. She can walk around a grocery store if she has a basket to lean on and she can walk around when we're at home.

I'm sure her condition will get worse as she gets older. My H and I have talked about this and we realize that there may come a time when she will require nursing home care. I know I won't be able to care for her by myself at home if she gets to the point where she can't walk at all or can't meet any of her own physical needs. We'll have to deal with that when the time comes.

I understand that you feel obligated to help your mother....I just don't feel you guys (or your M) are in a position to save her.

I am also VERY concerned to read about how your mother will probably get a substantial amount of money from the sale of your grandmothers home, but yet she has told you that she doesn't want to spend that on anything related to her care....again are you kidding me? She only wants to buy herself a new car? Then you are unclear if she will even agree to babysit your DD once a week? WHAT?! Why is this OK? Why is this even an option?

Seems to me that you are being played for a sucker, and now everyone assumes that this is somehow you and Mr. Writer's life sentence.

If she is on disability why aren't her scripts covered by medicare or medical? You are in Ca. currently...right? I have a family member currently on SSD in Ca. and her medical is covered.

Where in the world could she expect to live for $300. a month? This just isn't a reasonable expectation.

You have mentioned that you hope to relocate and I hope that will happen for you guys because you really do seem unhappy there, but I wanted to mention I don't feel we live in a high cost of living area but the rent here for a 3 bedroom would still be similar to the price range you quoted. I am not sure where you could hope to find a large 3 bedroom for much less.

Have you considered your mother buying herself a small single wide mobile home? I have a feeling she could afford one. Sounds like she is caring for herself currently... so just because she does not WANT to spend her inheritance to help herself she will move in with you?

I hope you will consider other options.

One question. Having my mom live with us will almost certainly help out in getting our UA time in. If UA time is supposed to be done entirely out of the house, my mom will be here to baby sit more, and that might be possible for us for the first time ever. We've been struggling with this for years. We simply can't afford the cost of childcare in our area, have never been able to find anyone to exchange with often enough to get in the allotted 15 hours a week, and have had no luck getting family members to baby sit. My mom is too far away right now, but that wouldn't be the case if she was living with us.

So, as far as UA time goes, this seems like a positive step. Privacy at home shouldn't be an issue if UA time isn't supposed to take place here anyway. And if we're getting the required 15 hours a week outside of our home, things should start to improve between my H and I, not the other way around.

This was my thinking anyway. Thoughts?

My mom is willing to baby sit at least once a week. What I said was, I'm not sure if she is willing to do more than that. But I'm going to talk to her about it. We haven't really discussed it yet, but she's already baby sat several times since my grandma passed away while she was here staying with us. And in a couple of weeks, she's going to stay overnight with DD4 so my husband and I can have a night to ourselves and attend a local book festival. This will be the first night we've had alone together in well over a year.

Money is one issue with my mom living alone. She could buy a mobile home, but the space rent is outrageous. My MIL and FIL own a mobile home and they have to pay $900 a month in space rent and that is on the low end around here.

I think the biggest issue though is that my mom is 65 and has never lived a single day in her life by herself. She has told me that she just can't imagine living alone. Her health isn't good and I know she has issues with depression. She might be able to take care of her own physical needs for a number of years, but I think it would be very difficult on her emotionally to live on her own. I guess what it comes down to is, I know my mom, and living by herself just doesn't seem like something she would be capable of doing.

As far as rent goes, from my research and from what others have said, there are quite a few places in this country where 3-bedroom houses can be rented for far less than $2000 a month. I'm not sure where you live, but here, it's difficult to find anything less than that. Most of the areas we are looking at have a much lower COL than our current location. Plus, with my H graduating with his MBA soon, I'm hoping he will be able to find a better paying position as well, so we will be able to afford more.

Yes, I would guess that would be true, I know parts of the east coast have much lower rent and COL in general BUT pay is lower too usually, but I have only lived a few places so I could be wrong.

Have you checked into starting wage for the field he will be working in one he has his degree? I know that you usually don't start at the top after graduation.

I agree that this would be easier in a larger place, but I was thinking we live in a good sized house but I often feel my H and I have some privacy issues in our home with just us and our kids!

Maybe a split floor plan could help with that.

Right now, he's still kind of feeling around, trying to figure out exactly what area of business he wants to focus on. He is interested in sales. He's also interested in leadership and training.

He does have over 20 years experience in business, mostly in customer service. He is 44 year old, so I don't know if it's the same as a young college graduate just starting out. Currently, he earns right around $50K a year.

I think our DD4 is more problematic as far as privacy goes. She has fallen into the habit of getting out of bed in the night and walking into our room at random times. I'm pretty sure my mom won't do that, lol.

I definitely hope to find something with a split floor plan or mother-in-law quarters eventually. Something along those lines anyway. Like I said, staying in the 2-bedroom apartment is only a temporary solution until we find something else. I know it's going to be rough while we're still here, but I'm hoping that knowing it won't be forever will help.

The added UA time will not offset the damage this would do to your marriage.

During the time that we were building our house, we lived with my family and xWH's family (split about four months at one house, four months at the other)

There was plenty of space (at least much more than what you have), our parents were gone much of the time and it was temporary....but I would still describe it as a nightmare and not good for our marriage (at that time).

You don't have privacy and it changes the dynamics of the household -- it's just plain uncomfortable, and it takes away from the intimacy you have with your spouse because there is someone else in your space. I don't really know how to describe it other than that.

Where!?

I'm not going to say, other than The Bay Area.

If you have that many "issues" on your plate and you have a huge problem with anxiety, why in the world would you introduce more chaos to your household?

This just makes ZERO sense to me.

Well my kids don't do that anymore, too old, plus we installed a lock long ago but I do have a strong feeling they do try to linger near our door if we are trying to have a private conversation...UGH~ and to be honest I think my MIL did too when we lived with her...YIKES! True story

I know. We've done it before. My H and I lived with my mom and grandma and our 4 kids for the first 3 years of our marriage (I had 3 kids when my H and I married and we had our 1 COM while living there). So I do know the difficulties inherent in this situation. We all lived in my grandmother's 3-bedroom, 1400 sq. ft. house. It wasn't easy. But we'll actually be less crowded now. Yes, the dynamic will certainly take some getting used to, but I still think it can work.

In many cultures, having elderly parents live with you is the expected norm. America seems to be in the minority when it comes to sending aging parents off to a nursing home. Not saying this is good or bad, but what we are planning to do isn't all that unusual from a global perspective. Even lots of families in the U.S. do it.

Ah, that would be quite a commute for the poor H.

But wow, that's cheap. I thought the Bay Area was more expensive than So-Cal?

One good thing about our apartment - thick walls. You can't hear anything from the bedrooms when you're out in the living area, and vice versa. We can't even hear our DD4 in her room without a monitor, and her room is right next to ours. No locks on any of the bedroom doors though. At 4 years old, I don't feel comfortable locking her out of our room at night. She would probably just stand there and pound on the door until she woke us up anyway.