I don't think her disability is severe enough. Like I said, they tried to get my grandmother in a nursing home in the months before she passed away, and they wouldn't even admit her to a permanent facility. She was in an assisted living facility for three weeks but then they sent her home, where she passed away several days later. If my grandmother didn't qualify in her condition, I don't see how my mother ever would.

Best way to make it work; don't do it.


The space restrictions are ridiculous, and won't do any good for the health of anyone involved.

I don't see how I can possibly tell my mom, "Oops, just kidding, you can't live here. We've changed our mind. Sorry." We're only 4 weeks away from her move-in date. I am committed to at least giving this a try. If it doesn't work out, then we'll take it from there.

And the space restrictions are temporary, though there are many people living in our complex who are even more crowded than we are. It isn't terribly uncommon around here to have a lot of people living in a very small amount of space, considering the COL.

We have a 1700sf house. In 2005 we had; Me, my wife, our 2 older DDs, My MIL, FIL, BIL, MIL's mother, MIL's Mother's Husband, and my BIL's two kids.


It was hellishly stressful. Our marriage would not survive that again. It WON'T happen again.

Oh my. I don't think many marriages would last long under those circumstances.

We're only going to have me, DH, DD4, and my mother in a 915 sf apartment. Hopefully, we'll be able to move up to a 3-bedroom house or apartment in less than a year.

I can offer you some advice; work out how you are going to survive financially post divorce with two dependents; your mother and your child.

My situation was only me, xH, kids, with xMIL & xFIL in a large house, it was temporary, and they were gone a lot. I described it the same way -- hellish and a huge strain on the M. Others have chimed in with similar stories and you don't seem to want to hear it.

If anything, your situation is worse because of the other things that are going on in your M and for you emotionally.

What about your commitment to your M? The whole point of MB is to avoid doing things that hurt your M.

I'm sorry that you are not getting the advice you were looking for -- but this would basically be a drain on both of your lovebanks every day just by walking through the front door. It's kind of like you are asking us how to commit a lovebuster without it withdrawing LB$ units.

With all the other problems and issues in your life and in your M, I am shocked (really!) that you would take such risks...

So, by now, you know it's going to be tough. The best advice that I could give you would be to talk to your mom about how tough it may/will be and include her in the discussions of alternatives if/when it begins to put an enormous strain on your marriage. Let he know that your marriage is the most important thing to you. After all, once she is gone, that is what will be left (hopefully).

I have always made sure that my kids know that mom & dad were here before them and will still be here when they move out. Because of that, we need constant attention from each other to meet each others needs. If that doesn't happen, then our marriage will fail and we'll have nothing when the kids are gone.

It's the same with your mom. Be sure that SHE is clear with your position before she moves in and have a plan for an alternate arrangement if things go south. If you include her in that plan from the beginning, the she will have a stake in making your lives more comfortable while she is there.

You are asking MB posters how to work a situation while breaking one of the basic MB concepts (POJA - you are NOT enthusiastic about this). So, surely you cannot be surprised at these answers?

It is like a wayward spouse asking how to commit to their marriage but they won't leave the cubicle beside their affair partner daily. Basic concept = no contact.

If you want to fix a situation without using MB basic concepts then that is your right, but don't expect anyone here to offer how to help you probably put the nail in the marriage coffin, that's not why they are here.

Here's a conversation you can have with your M right now, way before she moves in:

"Mom, we have agreed to welcome you into our home. We need something from you in order to help make this work for us and for our own marriage. We want to be able to go out several times a week on dates, and we would need you to watch DD for those times. Would you be able to commit to doing that for us for the time you are living with us?"

Let's hope she says, "oh, honey, of COURSE I will do that for you. I'm happy to help out in that way, and in any other way that will help make this work out in the best way for all of us."

I have seen live-in situations work out very rarely. There's often no respect for privacy,and even with respect to privacy, there's little of it due to space limitations. I've lived in 915 square feet with my husband and found that to be crowded at times, especially when someone was visiting.

One sitch I know of that seemed to work out well was a family of five that took in the wife's parents. They owned a large town home in the Los Angeles area and the parents often watched the children.

Thank you. That is helpful.

That is very similar to the conversation I envisioned having with my mom. I was even thinking about taking along some of Dr. Harley's books and letting her look through them so she would have a better understanding of what it is we are trying to do. Since my mom has never been married, I think this would be especially helpful for her.

She has been good about watching DD in the past, but for the most part, she was too far away to do it very often and in the past few years, when she was taking care of my grandmother, it was just too much for her to watch a young child as well. But I think baby sitting will get easier for us with my mom living here and DD is older now, so not so difficult to watch. Lack of UA time has been one of the things my DH and I have struggled with the most.

I think this is good advice too. I think my mom does need to be a part of that conversation. I'm sure she doesn't want to live in a situation that is strained or uncomfortable either.

Actually, I'm not sure how I feel about the situation. I'm understandably nervous. I do have some concerns. I think these concerns need to be addressed before my mother gets here. But I am not dead set against having her come to live here.

So, I am trying to find a way to address these concerns and come to a mutually beneficial solution. I thought that was part of POJA.

POJA is enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. It means he says "okay, that is great for me" and you say "okay, that works great for me too".

POJA is not your husband saying "okay", you saying "I'm nervous and have concerns", and then your mother saying "this is what you are expected to do".

POJA = enthusiastic agreement

^^ This differs greatly from a compromise that might be okay for 3 parties involved.

Quite the opposite, in fact!


So; how does your husband feel about this? Is he enthusiastic about moving your mother in?

I think sometimes enthusiastic agreement takes some time to get to. I don't think it necessarily has to be something both people are 100% enthusiastic about doing from the very start. If that were the case, we would pretty much never do anything, because it would be almost impossible to find much of anything that both my H and I are giddy with excitement at the thought of doing, especially when it comes to big, life-changing decisions.

But we can't very well sit around for the rest of our lives and never make any changes simply because one or the other of us might have some reservations about the changes. Of course we have reservations. Change is scary. There are bound to be some reservations. That's why we are discussing it and working through our concerns and trying to find solutions.

At this point, he is more enthusiastic than I am. I am the one who has been bringing up concerns. He was pretty much fine at the thought of moving her in from the very beginning.

You are free to decide that MB basic concepts do not apply to you, but this is Marriage Builders 101, so that is the kind of advice you will probably receive. That advice also comes from people who have great marriages as a result of following those basic concepts. I used to think that UA time didn't apply to me either, but then my marriage was not fantastic at the time, so who was I to decide I was special? Turns out I was wrong, decided to follow basic concepts, and now it's a fantastic marriage. Isn't fixing your marriage the reason you came to MB in the first place? Why come and then years later, still cherry pick basic concepts and assume it doesn't apply?

Good luck to you, I can see this going in circles, I recommend contacting the Harleys for your specific issue, if you are willing to take it from the horse's mouth.

Apprehension is not enthusastic, Writer.


So, if you are not enthusiastic... why would you wait to get stuck in the middle of it to do something about it?


Contact a social worker and weigh out your options!