Well most of you already know H is on anti-deps. Started them two days ago, so they have not kicked in yet.<P>H has slept with me the last couple of nights; no sex but lots of snuggling. Today, we went for a long walk; held hands & talked a lot. He took my car into town to do grocery shopping. When he returned, I could tell he was very agitated. Asked him if something was wrong. He said "No". <P>A short time later, he said he was afraid of me. I asked him why. He said because I asked him questions that I had every right to know but that he had no answers for. Then he said, "let's talk about the last really enjoyable day we had together. I want you to make up a list of those days". Then he started to cry. I tried to comfort him but he pushed me away. <P>Then, out of the blue, he asked about some lingerie I had in a bag in the trunk of my car (I planned on giving it away). Then, I started to cry & told him that I figured I didn't need it since he didn't want me anymore. (I know, major lovebuster, but it was the truth) He said he was sorry. I told him that I still loved him. Then he told me that I've never done anything wrong (yeah, right!), a man couldn't ask for a better wife, & that I'm an angel. He said the problem was him. <P>He moved out a month ago and things aren't working out with wacko guy roommate (who should be on anti-psychotic drug!) With H's depression, the separation thing was making matters worse. So, I have been trying to talk him into moving back in since he is now on medication. He is still involved with OW as far as I know (I'm trying to keep off the subject).<P>Now, he is saying he is going to look for another place to live. He told me he really wants to live at home, that he is comfortable here, & he knows I want him here.<BR>But, that he just doesn't think he can handle it. He thinks it would be best for me, too.<P>Tell me, dear friends, what happened here today? I'm so confused, that my head is spinning. Is he insane? Or, am I, for remaining in this situation?<P>I just don't know what to do or say anymore?<P>Input, please. Thanks...

Hi sidney,<P>Starting to see a lot of parallels with us. My H is also on anti-deps and has been for almost a year. While I think this contributed to his being vulnerable to an affair, it is more complex than that.<P>I also know he is still involved with OW and try not to ask or touch that subject. My question is, why the rush to get him to move back in? Unless you feel he is truly in danger of hurting himself (and his shrink should be able to help you understand this)I don't think I would rush this. How will YOU feel if he moves back in while still w/OW? And, from someone who has been there, if he moves back before he is truly ready - you are just setting yourself up for another separation. Although it has been very difficult, this lengthy separation (3 mos - ok not as lengthy as some) has been the first time I have seen H start to feel pulled back to me - and it has also given me some time to heal, without the daily OW reminders in my face, and to focus on me.<P>Sid, what you saw today was confusion, plain and simple. He still has a ways to go before he can give you the commitment you desire.<P>Hugs,<BR>Starpony

Sidney,<BR>My H acted the same way. The confusion, the crying, the wanting to be a home and wanting to be away. He didn't leave then he just slept in the living room. He was also doing alot more that I hope your H isn't doing. I wouldn't ask to often about the OW didn't want to know what I already suspected. But he was afraid of me too, the question I asked, what I wanted from him. I hope for your sake and your H's that his medication works better the my H's. You know where he is. I know the confusion you are going through and I wish with all my heart that I could take it away from you. I can't give you any advice and I can't make it better. All I can do is be here for you.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Thanks so much, guys.<P>*Pony- one of the main reasons that I want him to move back in (which I didn't tell him) is because I'm getting really worried about finance stuff. He is not working. In his present state of mind, I don't think he could hold down a job. I opened his bank statement (he has his own checking account now) and discovered that he went through $1400 last month. I don't know where the money went as $1000 of it was in cash withdrawals; $400 was for his rent. I have no reason to believe he is on drugs, or anything like that. <P>By the way, the statement came to the house with his name on it, but it just sat on the counter, unopened. Finally, after about a week, I opened it. He is in denial.<P>He offered to pay the Visa bill this month, so I let him. His account, I estimate is now below $3000. But at the rate he is going, he'll be lucky if that lasts two months. Then what?<P>I am just under an incredible amount of stress right now. Not only the affair, but the worry about keeping what we have both worked so hard for over the last 20 years in tact.<P>I did meet with an attorney last week to see how much I was hanging out finance wise. She said that the only way to secure the estate would be to file temporary, protective orders. This would be like the beginning of the divorce. I am just reluctant to do that right now as I think that would drive him right over the edge.<P>SDS- I found it very interesting to hear that your H said the same thing as far as being afraid of you. I replayed yesterday's events over & over in my head last night. Along with many other statements he has made to me recently. I'm seeing that my H's self-esteem is so rock bottom, that he fears me because he is certain that I am going to reject him. He is so insecure, and he values my opinion of him so much, that he is terrified that I will hurt him. It doesn't seem to matter how much I try to reassure him, his thinking is totally irrational. He is paranoid and constantly looking for evidence of his irrational belief that I will harm him. I pray that the Paxil will help him. I feel like he is spiralling into the abyss and there is nothing I can do. I feel so helpless. I'm sure you can relate.

Sidney, I can't believe how much our lives are alike. I agree on the afraid thing. I think he is trying to reject me before I could reject him. He feels he belong to her because she is on the level he is feeling. How to get him to see he is better, I don't know.That worries me alot, cause if he could get some self esteem back I think he would drop her like a hot rock. But I am afraid he is so low that he will never climb out. I understand the financial thing. I am sorry worried about making the house payment in Jan. I am covered until then. After the first of the year the money runs out. Don't get me goin on that. I just finished balancing my account. <P>You will be leaving in to more days for LA. Think about that and all the fun you will have. think good thoughts and so will I. If I don't hear from you before you go have fun and email me when you et back I want to hear all about it. (There is no icon that shows how I feel maybe we need one that is scratching its head.)<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Thanks, Di. You're right about focusing on me. That's what I'm doing right now. Playing some CDs to help get my spirits up. Trying to keep telling myself the only thing to fear is fear itself. I'm having to concentrate on stuffing it back down. It keeps rising up and trying to envelop my entire being. Go away fear, GO AWAY!!!

Have you started packing yet planning what you are going to take. Do that think about the fun you are going to have. My plans are not so glamorous this weekend. I am no longer in denial, I know I will be living with my daughter longer then I want to. So I am making planning to help her reorganize so we can be more comfortable. <P>It is a bright beautiful day enjoy the sunshine. Fear has a tendency to lurk in the darkness. Go out side, open a window feel the sun it helps.