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My husband and I have been together for 5 years total in our relationship, married for 2. He is a major procrastinator. We each have different work schedules so we each divide the house responsibilities. He works Monday-Friday everyday and I work only weekends. During the week, I do the house work and take care of the dog. During the weekend, I ask him to help out. But over the weekend when I come home, I'll see the trash overflowing, groceries not put away, dirty dishes lying around and it bugs me. I ask him to take care of it before I go to bed and get ready for work the next day but he just sits around and says he'll get it. I don't like waiting around for him to do it because I can't go to sleep knowing it hasn't been done and I have to constantly nag him for him to do anything. Which usually leads to an argument. All I want is for him to help me clean the house during the weekend when I work constantly. We don't have any kids and I'm afraid to have any right now for the fear he will procrastinate when taking care of them as well. How can I get him to see he procrastinates and get him to help me when I ask without being a nag? I need help ASAP.

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Originally Posted by baybayy47
My husband and I have been together for 5 years total in our relationship, married for 2. He is a major procrastinator. We each have different work schedules so we each divide the house responsibilities. He works Monday-Friday everyday and I work only weekends. During the week, I do the house work and take care of the dog. During the weekend, I ask him to help out. But over the weekend when I come home, I'll see the trash overflowing, groceries not put away, dirty dishes lying around and it bugs me. I ask him to take care of it before I go to bed and get ready for work the next day but he just sits around and says he'll get it. I don't like waiting around for him to do it because I can't go to sleep knowing it hasn't been done and I have to constantly nag him for him to do anything. Which usually leads to an argument. All I want is for him to help me clean the house during the weekend when I work constantly. We don't have any kids and I'm afraid to have any right now for the fear he will procrastinate when taking care of them as well. How can I get him to see he procrastinates and get him to help me when I ask without being a nag? I need help ASAP.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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What is he doing when he is not completing these chores? Does he have a different standar of clean? Because my "okay" is my husbann's "overflowing". Have you POJA a chore chart? We do this and it works great.

If you "can't sleep" because these chores are not done, is that because you are upset your husband does not contribute? Or is it an actual anxiety that certain things are still messy?

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Opposite work shifts are usually a disaster to marriages. Are you able to get at least 15 hours per week of undivided attention?


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The most pertinent advice you might expect here would be highly dependent on what might be called "the rest of the story".

You and he dated for three years prior to marriage. What were his demonstrated attentions to these types of actions - cleaning, maintenance, etc - before your marriage?

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Opposite shifts are a bigger problem for your marriage than chores.

My husband and I have vastly different standards for the timing and thoroughness of household chores. We took the issue to Steve Harley, who suggested that my husband look into whether he has OCD. Then he had each of us make a list of what chores we felt were important to be done, and what timetable we wanted them done (daily, weekly, monthly, etc), and then he told us each to do the things on our OWN list.

It was pretty hilarious.

Your inability to sleep if there are dirty dishes is not healthy. It is also very familiar. Do you come in and inspect the house when you get off work? My husband would do that, and it drove me crazy. I would actually work to make sure that the kitchen was in order, the sink and counters clean and cleared, and he would open the refrigerator and look for a drip or spot of something to complain about. We finally figured out it was a soothing mechanism for him...if there was something he could put back into order when he got home, he could relax. If it appeared that everything was in order, he would hunt for something to "fix".

Is that something like what you do? Are you unable to just come home and enjoy yourself unless everything is perfect? Anxiety about a dirty dish in the sink, enough to cause you to lose sleep, is not healthy, and it is not your husband's job to perform your OCD. In fact, it doesn't help anyway.


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Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
The most pertinent advice you might expect here would be highly dependent on what might be called "the rest of the story".

You and he dated for three years prior to marriage. What were his demonstrated attentions to these types of actions - cleaning, maintenance, etc - before your marriage?
I was looking at that, as well, and I wonder if the poster and her husband discussed the more mundane marital items prior to tying the knot; who takes out the trash, how each party prefers the order of their house regarding dishes in the sink, etc. Many betrothed folks don't.

The bottom line is that they are married now and are at odds over 'little' things that could cause resentment, which is a 'big' thing that could cause disruption in their marriage. They are here now, married now, and need to POJA how they will carry out the running of their house. The POJA will eliminate the poison of resentment.


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CWMI your advice sparked a giggle in our house today, but it made me think a bit about our division of chores. Not to T/J, but I needed to hear this, too.


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The bottom line is that they are married now and are at odds over 'little' things...

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The issue is going to be via what tactics they jointly approach this problem. PORH, POJA, certainly, but the discussion starts from a common base of their understanding, and that is.......where?

Question, though: If they cannot come to a mutually enthusiastic agreement about taking out the trash, does it remain in place?

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Whoever wants the trash taken out does it. How to resolve this issue is outlined in the links Brain provided, which also matches the advice Steve gave us personally.

What you CANNOT do is have a much higher standard than your spouse on chores and DEMAND that they shape up. What must be done is to create the list, divide it up by who wants to do a chore, then by who wants it done. Nothing that is considered unimportant to either spouse makes the list.


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I'll keep feeding you the "softballs", CWMI, if you can promise to continue hitting them out of the park like that!

We do not yet have an answer to my query about the "pre-marriage" behavior of hubby, do we? I wonder if that is not answer enough in and of itself!

And if our initiator does come back, perhaps someone can advise her of the correct, non-DJ, way to word "My husband is a procrastinator".

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Originally Posted by CWMI
What you CANNOT do is have a much higher standard than your spouse on chores and DEMAND that they shape up. What must be done is to create the list, divide it up by who wants to do a chore, then by who wants it done. Nothing that is considered unimportant to either spouse makes the list.


Do you mind expanding on this? Why does this violate MB?


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Tenacious, Dr. Harley can explain it much better than I, in the domestic links on page one of this thread.

Boiled down, demanding that your spouse perform the chores only you care about is gaining at their expense. The lists are a good visual to see who cares about what, and once fights over domestic support end (once the higher-need spouse stops demanding) the other generally steps up to show love. The way Steve explained it to us, people are more appreciative when they feel they are being helped with their own tasks, rather than when they think it's your job to do to begin with.



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Originally Posted by TenaciousOne
Originally Posted by CWMI
What you CANNOT do is have a much higher standard than your spouse on chores and DEMAND that they shape up. What must be done is to create the list, divide it up by who wants to do a chore, then by who wants it done. Nothing that is considered unimportant to either spouse makes the list.


Do you mind expanding on this? Why does this violate MB?

Demands violate Marriage Builders, period, because they are a love buster, and they are abusive. Nothing could be more violating of Marriage Builders than the three abusive love busters: demands, disrespect, and angry outbursts.

Dr. Harley does have people go on from making their lists to discuss ways they could make love bank deposits from doing items on each other's lists, if they are enthusiastic about it (he lets them choose what they would like to do for each other).


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
And if our initiator does come back, perhaps someone can advise her of the correct, non-DJ, way to word "My husband is a procrastinator".

"I would like it if my husband would ..."

The whole idea that her husband should do what she wants should be taken out of the picture. Even the idea "he should do it because he said he would" should be taken out. Here's what Dr. Harley told me:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2405440#Post2405440

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
markos:

When you make a request, and your wife declines, the next step is to negotiate with her, not to tell her that your feelings have been hurt. Under what conditions would she be willing? If you can't think of any right away, withdraw the request.

By telling your wife that your feelings were hurt, although it's an accurate description of your reaction, it's also a way to make her feel guilty for declining your request. Besides, it should be recognized that if a request is declined, and you feel hurt, you must be under the illusion that if she really cared about you, she would do whatever you request. That's an illusion, not a fact. A caring wife has the right to decline requests. A caring husband accepts it because he realizes that he would have been gaining at her expense if she had agreed.

Again, the step to take after declining your request is to negotiate or withdraw it.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

In this case we would turn the genders around: "A caring husband has the right to decline requests. A caring wife accepts it because she realizes that she would have been gaining at his expense if he had agreed."


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.

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