What I would give to have known about this web site years ago. I have read most of the articles and started the process of rebuilding.

After reading the articles the realization is my WW and I made some classis mistakes the lack of open communication and complete honesty.

We are best friends and have very common interests. All our friends who know us often comment how we belong together but the intimacy got off to a bad start and the resentment grew.

About a year ago WW had surgery, needed therapy and that is where the OM came into the picture. My WW spoke highly of him and how they talk and get along. I should have seen the signs right then and there but she needed the therapy and it really improved her physically so I ignored them even when my gut told me otherwise. I have always known you can�t have a �friendship� with the opposite sex and after reading the articles here it was confirmed. Not only was it confirmed but it invites disaster.

My WW father passed away less than a year ago and I think that was the catalyst that sparked the EA. They were very close and she was devastated.

WW broke the relationship and as far as I can tell has not contacted the OM or vice versa. I check the phone records and the computer.

I cannot deny the role I played and knowing what I know now I could have avoided this disaster but now all I can do is put the pieces back together which I am willing to do.

We sought a counselor and on the first day she recommended Dr. Harley and it has been an eye opener reading all the material contained here.

It is some relief to read what we are going through is not only common but most marriages are salvageable and be even better.

My WW is remorseful and we both want to get past this but I really am struggling with a statement she made. She told me she may be past the point of me being able to pull her back. After she told me that I reached out to her BFF as I had no one else to turn to for relationship type advice. I know, I know that�s breaking the rules but she lives hours away and when I contacted her she wanted so bad to reach out to me to help us save the marriage but did not for fear of angering my WW. So with that said any advice is welcome with open arms.

Two different points. The first is hogwash. Work the program with her and there should be no problems with your ability to pull her back.

Be leary of talking to other women at this point as you are in a situation that longs for comforting and, well, thats how revenge affairs start. Keep the higher ground, buddy.

Thats pretty much what I have been telling myself and her BFF thinks the same. As far as other women I avoid them like the plague.

WCG,

Welcome to Marriagebuilders. I am sorry for the reason that brings you here, but you are in the best possible place to recover your marriage and make it better than ever.

When is the last time your wife and OM were in contact? Is he a physical therapst or other medical provider? Is he married? Did you expose the affair to your children and OM wife, his employer? You say you are checking phone records and computer records. Are there other ways they could be talking or seeing each other?

If the affair is truly ended and the conditions that make the affair possible are eliminated, the next step is to build a passionate, romantic marriage. Spend a minimum of 15-20 hours a week meeting the four critical emotional needs of affection, intimate conversation, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship.

Hae you read the book, "Surviving an Affair" yet? It lays out the steps for recovering a marriage after an affair.

aM

Also purchase the books surviving the affair, his needs her needs and lovebusters. Work the program, not to be mean but why hasn't your wife started a thread. Have you set EPs for your relationship? Have you and her sent a NC letter? Has exposure happened on both sides? Hers, yours and POSOM? How long have you been married? Kids? Ages do they know of their mother's moment of weakness?

I saw a few texts from the OM after my WW told me but there was no response from my WW to the OM. I made it very clear she could not contact the OM and if he made contact to tell me. She agreed. To date no activity and I am on high alert. I am very good with a PC so if she is using email or some other electroninc means I will see it. The OM is a PT so at this point no reasons for contact. He is married and the OW knows. My kids are 13 and 16 they do not know.

I think the affair is over and the first step I took from this site is spending time together and to go to counseling. So far the results are good.

I have the book on order. She is working with a counselor right now with her it is baby steps and that was a huge step for her. I have read every article on this site at least twice and we sit down and I discuss the steps with her.

Hi WCG, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

The most important first steps after an affair are to affair proof your marriage by taking certain steps. I see a few huge holes here. The first is that the OM can still contact your wife. That avenue needs to be closed because eventually she will answer him.

Ad exposure is a very important first step. In your case, the rehab center should be notified, along with the OMs wife and one children. Your families should be told. The more people who know, the more people to hold them accountable. Your children should not be given false explanations for the source of tension in their home. That just teaches them to be dishonest.

Have you personally spoken to the OMs wife and given her all the evidence of the affair? How do you know she knows?

"I saw a few texts from the OM after my WW told me but there was no response from my WW to the OM. I made it very clear she could not contact the OM and if he made contact to tell me. She agreed. To date no activity and I am on high alert"

Telling you about any contact misses the point entirely. If an alcoholic tells you about his drinks, is he any less drunk? No he is not. The solution is to close off any avenue of contact. Change her phone # and email address, for example. As long as the OM is free to contact her the risk of an affair is very high. Every time the OM contacts her, he triggers her feelings and before long they will be back together.

I am sorry to read she is in counseling. Counseling is very destructive to marriages and is a distraction at a time when your marriage needs 100 % focus. It is every cheaters DREAM to go off to counseling to examine the "WHY" of the affair. That protects thm from working on the marriage and finding solutions. It prevents them taking accountability.

Counseling is a disaster.

I would forward every text of the OM to his wife. She needs to know he is still pursuing your wife. In addition to exposing to his employer and wife, Dr Harley suggests confronting the OM. He should be hearing from you.

Good points. Once my wife confessed she told me about the OM's wife trying to contact her. The OW found out before I did. You make a good argument and I still have lots of work to do.

Here.
"I Encourage BHs to Confront OM" Dr. Harley

The counselor recommended this program should I dispense with her services? She seems to be more into working this program than the why.

I am relieved to hear this! It sounds like she is one of the rare cases who are qaulified. We see disasters from counseling on this forum every week and it seems that most are little more than divorce facilitators. Please stick with her if she is using this program.

I would suggest you pick up the phone and call her today without forewarning your wife. The OMs wife might not even know about the affair.

You need to file a complaint with the state licensing board. Romantic involvement with a current or former patient and/or family members of patients are strictly prohibited under licensing laws in most states.

Had a long talk with the WW pressing on she ended the affair and how she ended it. I believe she did but there are still some steps for me to take to insure it.

It is only been two weeks but she said she is still very much in love with the OM and they had something we have not had in a long time. She presses with she does not know if she can get back to what we had that I am pushing to hard and pushing her away.

WCG, the most important thing is to ENSURE contact is ended. Taking her word for that is a waste of time. The most crucial thing you can do right now is kill this affair by calling his wife, reporting him to his employer and exposing to your kids and family. Additionally, all avenues of contact have to be cut off.

You have a very narrow window of time to act or I can assure you the affair will resume. I don't think you understand how tenuous this "no contact" is. It is unlikely to last long because she is addicted to him.

Are you reading our posts? You really have to take the suggestions and act on them if you want to save your marriage. Please pick up the phone today and call the OMs wife and his employer.

I think you missed this post.