Would you like a discount on some lessons, HHH?

You are about 10 years late on that. And back then, if I was going to drink, wherever I was drinking is where I was going to spend the night!


Made me a fuddy dudd....

Condemning yourself won't make recovery attractive to your BS.
Recognizing that you still have value and will work to help hum heal might.

(tj)
Coming carousing out of a bar in the Bronx, my fraternity president
threw me the keys and said, "You drive, NG - you're too drunk to SING!"
(/tj)

Returning to the discussion at hand, tea1981, continuing to tempt fate
by living the lifestyle that has already proved itself a facilitation to
infidelity is nothing except stupid and cruel. Neither of those terms
would be something with which most people would want to be identified.

The mental image of me, the most of you seem to have created, is the opposite of who I really am.

I've been always an intellectual type. I can fluently speak two foreign languages. I can't draw or paint like my husband but I can create breath taking images with Photoshop. I feel much better with a book in my hands than being at some bar or club. Bar scene or clubbing isn't my thing. I don't drink almost at all. I'd say ma average would be about two drinks per month so it isn't that I need to attend AA meetings any time soon.

The reason my soon to be ex-husband trusted me so much was because he could see how I was behaving around men. I'm not promiscuous and I don't seek attention from them. I didn't need any outside validation until my "affair".

I'm not hiding anything from my husband about it. As painful as it was for both of us I told him everything on the day I confessed. There is nothing left out. He knows everything what happened.

I had better start getting ready for work. I can't afford to lose it. I will be soon on my own again.

And it was this misplaced "trust" that led to the affair. No one should be trusted when they engage in risky behavior. That is my point. If you live this way, you should not be trusted. I was hoping you would get my analogy about drunk driving. Even though I am a GREAT drunk driver, no one should be trusted when they engage in risky behavior. And I never had an accident. YOU DID.

Hanging out in bars like a single woman wrecked your marriage.

I see an intelligent young woman who put herself in a risky situation because she doesn't understand the risks. She doesn't understand that good people have affairs all the time. And it is typically the person who says "I am not like that!! I would never do that!" They are the ones who have affairs because they have poor boundaries.

It is a very small percentage of adulterers who are actually out looking for it. The playahs constitute about 1-3%, IMO.

The mental image I have of you is a woman who does not understand how affairs start. And because she doesn't understand this, believes her personal failing lies in not resisting temptation. But her failing lies in not recognizing the risks.

It is not a lack of trust that wrecks marriages, but a lack of boundaries.

Thanks, Melody. I need to take off to work now.

tea. you sound sincerely remorseful but remorse is not enough. You now need to EARN
back your BH trust and love and that takes ACTIONS.

Have you read the book Surviving an Affair? That would be a good start.

The ball is in your court. Pick yourself up.

F I G H T! For your marriage! You got to do it the right way though. Read that book and plan. Then put that plan into action! As a BH I know how your husband feels and I find my WW as the most despicable person on the planet right now. However, if she follows the MB plan and we work it together I would take her back. Not for myself but for our children and her sake. You have the tools put them to use and stop feeling sorry for yourself it doesn't help at all.

EGG ZAK LEE

Highly educated people don't know how affairs start, until they learn the hard way.

Please, take the time to watch this 30 minute video.

Welcome to MB Tea Kettle.



[video:youtube][/video]

TEA,

I have a Masters +24 hours of education. I feel that I am of above average intelligence. I got married very young and a year into my marriage I had an affair. Did not have MB at the time so H and I both dealt with it in our own way, basically swept in under the carpet.

For 13 years I felt I kept my boundaries pretty high. Even when I went out without my H I brushed off guys in bars, made sure I never drank so much that I made bad decisions, went out with girlfriends who I felt had my back. Told myself that I would NEVER have another affair. Held my head and self respect up high.

It was a work relationship that got me. Didn't have very high boundaries at work with other associates (men and women). Why? Because I thought I could handle it, I thought I was strong enough to fight off any temptation. So I got reckless. Started doing Happy hours with work people, agreed to to a co-teaching class with a male co-worker. Started spending lots of time with him. Starting telling each other about our marriages, spouses, etc.... We had so much in common..blah blah blah.


The entire time I am telling myself that this is not the same I am strong enough, smart enough, and learned my lesson the first time to ever do anything so stupid.

Guess how the story ends? Yeah, I'm sure you figured out I had an A, but you need to know the rest of the story. Because I feel that you are going to throw in the towel because of your mistake. That you are just going to allow this mistake to destroy your marriage rather than using it to educate yourself and heal your marriage.

the rest of the story is that I found MB and it saved me and my marriage. You and OP have a golden opportunity to save your marriage!!! Don't wallow in your mistake! Quit telling us that you like to stay home and read books, and bars aren't your "cup of tea" (again I love play on words). The fact is you chose to go out and do the things you really don't usually do. You chose to have an A,and now you are facing the consequences. Again, we are not judging you. A lot of us are very similar to you and know how you are feeling. I don't think one person on here is pinning you as a crazy, wild, drunk, party animal.

I can't speak for everyone but most waywards are the opposite of the description above. That is why we do have such a hard time dealing with what we did...because it was so unexpected that we don't even understand how and why it happened. But it did happen!

So my question is, are you going to curl your tail in between your legs or are you going to fight for the marriage that you have temporarily destroyed? Not going to lie, it is going to be hard work but If I can do it, you can do it!!

TEA,

The mental image I have of you is a woman who does not understand how affairs start.

Melodys statement would have described a great many of the posters here on MB btw, myself especially, so you are not being singled out in any way.

God Bless
Gamma

My time on this board is coming to an end and I'd like to THANK YOU ALL for your advice. Even if it was just a sentence or two, it was still helpful. It really was.

It's time for me to woman up and face consequences of my actions. I don't feel sorry for myself. On the contrary, I'm angry with myself, I'm extremely disappointed with choices I made, and I'm utterly disgusted with myself as a person.

I love my husband with every cell of my body and soul but I feel I just need to let him go. Trying to keep him in the marriage, I stained with infidelity, would be as selfish on my part as cheating itself was. It's very painful but he deserves better than me.

THANK YOU once again,
tea

Oh, brother...

OK, but that is ALL about you. 100%.




That also is ALL about you. 100%.


You don't know what you are talking about. You are still so focused on your own self.
No empathy. No drive to look deep within and do the difficult work to better yourself.
I thought you were smart?


Isn't it so convenient to give yourself a "get out of jail free" card?
Really? That's the best you can do? Give up? Not commit yourself to becoming a better spouse now that you found a location with just the tools to do that?



This is very insincere & I am not buying any of it.

No, it isn't about me at all. I don't want to get divorced. I need to get divorced because I am a complete failure as a wife. All I could offer my husband was betrayal and a ton of emotional pain. The damage is irreversible.

Or, you could quit being a pedantic drama queeen, and learn how to provide your husband just compensation for your offense.

Oh goodness tea1981. I've been showered with these types of self serving statements and navel gazing comments from my husband for months now. You have now given up the A that you are not even sure really qualifies for an A but the fog has still gotcha. Its a dry drunk.

MB program allows you to step out of the destructive story you have created for your marriage and step into a beautiful new story. There is a chance to be a success. Are you afraid of success?

Unfortunately, it is all about you. Do you think divorce is going to be any easier emotionally on your H? If he decides D, then so be it. You however should Chose to fight for your marriage for him regardless of how ashamed you feel (selfish, self pitty filled thoughts).

You are right the damage is irreversible. With or without you he is going to feel the pain of what you did. Wouldn't you rather be with him to help him heal and show him what you can do to help him feel safe in your marriage? Or are you going to continue your pity party all by yourself?