Hi there, this is my first posting so my apologies if I get it wrong.
I was very happily married (or so I thought) to the man of my dreams for 15 years. We have four beautiful children together and come from a large family who firmly believe in marriage for life, as, I thought did we. I found out two months ago that my husband has been having an affair, I am not a confident woman and now I feel that I have nothing left. At first I was pathetic and wanted him so badly that I took all his bad behaviour. Now I just dont know. I just cant see how I can get the images of him with her out of my head. He was a virgin when we married, we grew up together and sexual intimacy was something so special to us. He has done the one thing I always said I could never forgive. I have no confidence and was clearly passed over because I was not good enough. How do I get this out of my head? Initially we did have sex again but now, every time he touches me I feel he is thinking of her, sometimes I cant even let him touch me.I thought I didnt want my marriage to end, but how do I cope with being destroyed so totally and utterley and allow him back? Sorry this is so disjoined but I cant think or see for the tears.

M15yrs, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am so sorry for the reasons that bring you here. I want to give you hope, though. There is a good chance your marriage can be saved if you will follow Dr Harley's suggestions. It will be a scary ride and some people are not up to it, but if you have courage and willingness there is a chance we can help you completely recover your marriage.

A few questions first.

Is the affair over? If so, has ALL contact ended?

Do you live close to the OW?

Please tell us everything you know about her? Married, etc..

Has the affair been exposed?

Does your husband still love at home?

Please go read the sticky thread at the top of this forum, too.

Hi, yes it is over so he says and there has been no contact for a month, but he said this before and i found email evidence that this was not true so I cant be sure. He is still at home. She does not live near but works for the same company he does, although not in the same office building, just a few doors down. She is single herself. His family know along with a few close friends but he hasnt told anyone and doesnt want people to know...

The problem is that since he still works her, the affair is essentially still active. Te reason your husband wants to keep it secret is so he can continue the affair. if everone knew about it, he would have to end it. Byworking right next to her, he stays addicted. It is much like an alcoholic who goes into the bar every day; he still smells and sees the booze and occasionally takes a drink so he never sobers up. This means he will have to leave tha job in order to recover.

But he is unlikely to be willing to do this unless you expose the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so by helping him keep it a secret, you inadvertently enable the affair. Please go read my thread on exposure and come back and we can help you with next steps.

What exactly does his family know and what did they say to him?

Does the OW have a Facebook page? How do you know she is not married?

His family knows everything. They love him but are obviously saddened by this.
He told me she was single. Yes she has a FB page but it is highly private. I dont know much about her and dont want to.

Re the job, he doesnt work near her on a day to day basis. She is in anothe building. So far he is refusing to leave his job but I am standing my ground. I will not be comfortable while he works there.
I agree about the secrecy, he is furious that i have told people but I was not prepared to keep his secret and I need support.

Have you spoken to them? Are they supporting your marriage by trying to persuade him to end his affair?


I would find out as much as possible about her. Knowledge is power when it comes to an affair. She may be married so you need to do some sleuthing and find this out. Ideally, you would expose the affair to her family. I would try to do that. Another thing you should do is confront her. But do that AFTER you have exposed her.

I would take this up a notch and expose it at work. [use the template and suggestions in my exposure thread] That will motivate your husband or the OW to get out of there. The issue is that he CAN go see her at work every day he goes there. He says he doesn't see her on a day to day basis, but that means nothing. What matters is that he can - and probably is - seeing her every day.

You are correct in insisting he leave the job because your marriage will never recover otherwise. You are much more likely to get divorced if he doesn't. If he won't leave, Dr Harley would recommend you separate from him.

Do you have children? If so, how old are they?

please take the time to go read my exposure thread.

Yes we have four beautiful children 5,7,9 & 11.
His family are being very supportive and encouraging.
I am not sure I feel comfortable exposing her at work, I am not that kind of person... I did make him sit down and tell me everything, which was very hard but I felt necessary in order for me tomove on. I didnt want any secrets between them that I didnt know. Above and beyond that I dont feel I want to know anymore about her.
I realise that he loves his job, but all the advice i have seen says that he should leave and get a new job. He is a contractor so it is easy to move on. I honestly feel that me asking him to do this is small in comparrison to what i have to do in order to move on with our marriage.

Ps reading exposure now..

I would set the kids down and tell them about the affair. Let them know what is going on and why adultery is wrong. They should also be given the name of the OW so they are not exposed to her.


That is great to hear!


I disagree you are not that kind of person. You seem like a very good person to me who will do the right and necessary things to protect her marriage.

If you expose it at work, your husband is likely to be immediately suspended since he is a contractor. Keeping the affair a secret is harmful to your husband, the OW, you, and the employer. Affairs thrive on secrecy so as long as the affair is kept secret there, they are free to carry on the affair at work. The OW is a walking legal liability risk and they can't very well protect themselves if they don't know.

Exposing helps everyone because if it is exposed, the affair is more likely to die. It also gives the employer a chance to protect themselves legally and hold the affairees accountable.

This helps the OW learn her lesson so she is not pursuing other married men in the workplace. Your husband has behaved shamefully unprofessional there and they need to know that.


It is very important that you know all about her. The more you know, the more damage you can do to the affair. For example, if she is married, you can notify her husband. You can also notify her family members if you can find them.


It is the least he can do if you are willing to take him back. More importantly, it is the only way your marriage can recover. Its not like he is doing you a favor leaving, he has to do it or your marriage will never survive.