Hello

I will just start and see what help I can get. I am a BS, my wife had an affair. I did not know at the time she took a travel job she was as unhappy as she was. I did know we had problems but would not let my self see it. Anyway while at this job she found someone and slowly it grew into an all out relationship.
I found out by a unplanned slip up on her part. That was in Dec. 2012. I flew to where she was to fight for her. I had to come back to my job and life here in Jan. She stayed there and still had contact with the OM. Finally in Feb. he ended it with her and she call for me to help her come home.
I did and she was at home for 4 weeks, and was like a zomby for the first two weeks. Then decided to take another travel job closer to home, and I travel out with her to help her get settled. We spent a week togeather but it was not great.
Since then I went back for a weekend and we had some enjoyable time, but still not making anyhead way on our marriage.
She still is in contact with the OM I think, not sure. She says she is trying but still cares for him.
Want to help her but she want let me, how long is she going to hang on to the OM, they are along way apart. He does not want anything to do with her. What can I do other than wait.
I have opened my eyes to the problems and I am trying to fix me . She has not done much to help and still refuses to aproch the problems. She says she is lost and has to get herself right first. The distance is hard to handle but she says that is what she needs. She ask me to give her time. I look for all the positives but struggle alot of the time.
Just needed a place to let some of it out I guess.

Thanks

I'm sorry for the reasons that have brought you here to Marriage Builders.

How long have you been married? How many children? Do you know who the OM is? Is the OM married?

If you want to save your marriage, you two must be living together. Traveling jobs are terrible for marriages.

Have you read the sticky thread up at the top of this forum? If not, please read all the way through.

We have been married almost 30 years. have two grown sons.
I have talked to the other man only by phone and e-mail, and know who he is. He is single and a lot younger.

I know we need to be together but she will not go that route at this time.

I have read a lot on the website and have the book. Have not started it just got it.

First thing you need to do is to expose the affair to everyone you and your wife know and can be influential. Exposure is not for revenge; rather it's to expose the secrecy of the affair to the light of day.

Please read this link to Exposure 101

Exposure is very important and will anger your wife greatly, but it will help you get needed support and burst her fantasy bubble.

Also, please read this Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? If not, you should order it as soon as possible. It's a Godsend to those of us who have used it. There is a very specific plan outlined and explained.

Since your wife will not return home, can you let your boss know what's happening and go out there to be with her?

Besides the traveling job, what were the conditions that led to her A? You had said the marriage was already unhappy? That's why she accepted a traveling job? What are you willing to do to clean up your side of the fence? There are never excuses for an affair, but there are reasons.

The affair is over but she is still not willing to work on our marraige. The OM ended it and she left the city where he is. He will not contact her, she has tried. It was exposed in Dec. when I was out there. I spent a month there, and can't leave my job anymore. Have to keep things stable here. Can relocate because her jobs are for short periods and she could go some where else.

I am addressing the issues that caused the problems, and want to start working toward our marriage being whole again. She just want give in. Guess I am fishing for a miricale. I have told her I will do what ever it takes.

As long as you two are living apart, your marriage is not going to recover. She will be free to pursue affairs. At the very least, you two will grow apart. It is very difficult to deposit love units while living apart.

If you are willing to do whatever it takes, then you need to find a way to join your wife. Either she returns home for good with no more traveling, or you join her where she is. Otherwise, short of a miracle, there is no recovery.

I understand your dilemma. All who read your thread will understand your dilemma. Recovering a marriage after an A is devilishly difficult and requires tremendous effort and strength. The first and foremost is going to be finding a way to live together.

Have you read the threads that were linked for you?

See, lostneedhelp,

There are certain and specific steps to recovery. And if all these steps are followed, your marriage can be restored. One person can lead the recovery, but ultimately it will take both spouses fully on board to restore the marriage.

1.) End all contact with AP (affair partner)

2.) Transparency: get all the truth about the affair. Passwords shared, agree to exchange cell phones at any time, accounting for all time and money.

3. Extraordinary Precautions - Address, examine, and eliminate all the conditions that led to the affair.

4.) Integrated Lifestyle: never spend another night apart, know what the other is doing throughout the day.

5.) Agree to a program of recovery that will restore the marriage to BETTER than it was before the A. MB has an excellent Online program that will aid you greatly in restoring your marriage, IF you both follow all the steps.

In order for your marriage to recover, each of these steps must be followed.

You have to consider what the consequences will be if you do not follow these steps:

1.)Your marriage will limp along and neither of you will be in love with the other.

AND/OR

2.) Your wife travel and possibly have more affairs.

3.) Divorce. Even though your children are grown, they will be hurt by this.

You need to eliminate all the conditions that allowed the affair to happen.

Her traveling job is one of those conditions. Traveling Jobs

Has she written a NC letter?

Changed all of her contact information?