I am at a loss. I can't talk to anyone about this!! My family is deeply rooted in Christ and well biblically I don't guess I rally have grounds to leave. Well I think I do..
First we've been together going on 14 years. We've been married for 8.
My father was dieing and wanted to be apart of our wedding so where we had been engaged for a long time, like 3 years, we were no where close to getting married! But we did, and my father died 12 hours later.
So now we are married and things really went in the toilet every since!
We were a blinded family. I had three kids, he had one. One that was a bad kid from the start. There was always and still always nothing but problems with his son!
We've stayed together. Not always bad, but to say the least it's been trying.
My husband is a drunk! He calls it a functional drunk, if there's such a thing.. He missed out on a lot of things my kids were involved in because it was more important to stay home and get drunk. It helped matters that usually his son was in trouble; looking back now I think it was on purpose just to have his father stay home with him.. Then he would and then when we'd get back he was usually drunk. Leaving his son to roam the house at will, steal and take and do what ever he pleased to all of our belongings because he was too busy held up in a room getting drunk...
My husband has told me to never ask him to chose between me or him drinking because I'd lose!!
I've tried everything I know! There is no stopping in sight!
He now has been on pain pills for a back issue for the last four years, and I think on top of the drinking now he is very addicted to the pain pills. He refuses to do anything more for his back to get off of the pain pills. Knowing people who have had surgery to never be able to walk or lose some of the mobility that is something I'm not going to push. He has to make the decision for that on his own. However, he does have a real issue with the pain pills too!
So now the step-son has put a new twist on things and has landed up in foster care because of his own actions. We have not been accused of any mistreatment of him!! Non the less he's still there and it's been a legal battle and a half now with us having to get a attorney and pay for that too, all just because of this almost grown child.
Four years ago, my sister went off the deep end, leaving a 2 1/2 year old and a 2 day old baby girls needing a home. We have since adopted them. So we have two very small children whom are very attached and gone threw enough already in their short lives involved in this.
My husband self satisfies himself with masturbation. There is absolutely no affection between the two of us. We sleep in separate beds and have now for over six years!! Sex between the two of us is almost all but gone totally. He never initiates it! NEVER! He does have some sexual problems I think which is caused from his excessive drinking.
I have in the past gone lovingly asking for him to see a doctor to seek help for us! He admittedly denies there is any problems and wont see a doctor for it at all!!
Recently he TEXT me a message that could of resulted in our girls being taken away from a statement he made to case workers on his son's case. He did not discus it with me till over a week later and in a text message! I explained in a text message I was upset from his news, and did not feel we should talk about it anylonger in the texts. That we needed to talk when he got off of work.... He got off of work and went to get his jack daniels. Came home and went to the garage and didn't want to talk about it at all!! Refused! OMG!! I asked for the number so I could call and see what exactly he had done! He refused to give me the number. So I went on line, and looked it up on our phone records. That's when I found out this case worker actually called over a week ago!! So when he got home, I asked him about it. He said the worker had just called him. I asked again and same reply! He started cursing me asking how dare I look at his phone records, ect!!
He has still today not apologized to me over the innciodent. I spoke to him the other day telling him that our relationship had become more then strained and he needed to decide if it was something he still wanted. That it would take him putting forth some effort for a change as well as me. That it would take work.
All that has happened is we've stopped yelling at each other. We just are never together. We don't speak!! It was weird before but even more so now. He wants to like just stay under the same roof, and exists.
There is no affection. No time. There is absolutely NO physical contact at all.
First before you say I am certain there is no one else for him. It would be so much easier if there was trust me. At times I almost wish there was, but there is NO way what so ever that there is another woman involved here.
He's different. Biker dude, tat's and all this. But he's a wanna be!! Not real biker kind of person you know???
There's no affairs on either part. Again that would make this so much easier.
We've tried marriage counselling. Had the step son in cancelling too. My husband went to the first apt left squalling tires. Went to the second meeting. Stood up at the start told the lady what he thought of her, walked out and that was the end of that! The step son, I tried for over four years of counselling and it didn't help there either!
Family, pastors friends all have tried to sorta help out with things and helping us. Anyone who knows us can see things are just really weird with us. Not like most couples.
I'm so sick of being alone! Sleeping alone! Living my life alone. My kids are all I've had over the years to keep me going. My husband is never there for me. He goes to work, comes home and is either laying in bed playing video games or on lap top. Or down stairs in the garage drinking. He goes no where with us, except now for the young girls ball practice. But still doesn't sit with us or even act like he's there with me! That is all!!
What do I do?? What is the right thing? Do I stay in this marriage just because he's not cheating or beating me? There is not a biblically reason for divorce.
I so want to be happy and happy in our family, but that went a long time ago and I've tried to get it back, but to say the least he has no interest in that!!
What do I do??

As long as there are addictions involved we cannot help you other than to help you separate and divorce him should he not seek counseling/recovery.

The principles of Dr. Harley's program will not work and should not be implemented when there is an addiction issue.

I'd take him at his word and begin planning an exit strategy.

I worry about being con-dimmed in the church. My brother is a pastor and an ex acholic and thinks I should not give up on my husband or marriage. He said there is no expiration date on marriage!
I do want out of this marriage as I am not a priority or the family is not a priority. Not even GOD is to him!!
So does the same rules apply here??
The easy thing my brother says is leaving. The hard part is staying and making it work???!!

The hardest thing people put themselves through is trying to reconcile their unhappy marriage to the church. The church has put their own stamp of disapproval on divorce and made everyone feel guilty when they contemplate it.

Jesus agreed that divorce was dispicable. But, he agreed that there were times when it was allowed.

Your marriage is full of abuse and neglect. GET OUT OF IT!!!! The example and environment that you are allowing the kids to be a part of will DESTROY them and could affect their abilty to have a normal, healthy relationship in the future.

Your exit strategy is simple. EXIT NOW. Go to a strict plan B and file for divorce. If he wants to change, you set the rules of breaking plan B and set them high.

He is wrong. There is no harder decision than deciding to leave your M. You have stayed and you have tried to make it work. You see where it has gotten you correct?

Where he is also wrong is there is no �working� to make things better when there is an addiction. The M is not the priority to the addict only their addiction. Therefore there is only a one sided attempt at improving/saving the M. Your side and any attempts on your part will be for not.

I am not the expert on addictions but I have heard often enough that nothing will change for the addict until they reach �their bottom�. What if his bottom includes him losing you? You staying and enabling him (in a way) is prolonging his hitting bottom and thus maybe starting recovery.

Other more experienced and recovered people will be along to help. Be patient and wait for them to post.

Have you ever attended Al-Anon? If not I suggest you get to a meeting soon and continue to go.

I went to a Al-Anon when I had a boyfriend get addicted to crack and thought I could "love him sober". That was a life saving event for me when I found it. I left him, and moved on!!
I do agree for not doing right by staying with him. My three now grown children I see things in them that I think would not be there if they had seen a more loving and connected family life.
I just need to see about getting a "plan B" put together.
Thanks all. I really thought it was the last choice I had and one I should make, but was getting tossed around by others here close to me.
Thanks again for the encouragement to do what I already knew I had to do!!

Of course your husband is an alcoholic. Until the drinking ends your marriage will continue to be damaged. I do not believe that a loving God would condemn you to a lifetime of abuse by living with a drunk. And you ARE being abused - he may not beat you, but you are being emotionally abused.

And I don't even want to get started on the emotional damage that is being wreaked on those poor kids because their father is a drunk. The chance is very good that his son is acting out because of neglect. Drunks are horrible parents.

If you won't leave for yourself, please get those kids out of that environment.

Please read these.

Alcoholic Spouse #1
Alcoholic Spouse #2
Alcoholic Spouse #3