I've been browsing the articles, and will start a 'structured' reading plan soon. But I'm thinking how good is all of this if I read this information and try to do it but not my husband. We have been married for 5 years and it has been mostly turmoil. We have been together for almost 7. I remember the 1 time when we were dating when I would have walked away but he convinced me to stay and he was a single dad so after we got serious, I stayed because I didn't want the kids to think another person was abandoning them. So now we have his 2 plus 2 more. We do a lot of family stuff and to most people we have this great family. But everything is family - birthdays, valentine's day, even our honeymoon included the kids. I've told my husband we don't have a relationship and what are we going to do when the kids leave. He hasn't given me an answer and sometimes comments on having more kids. I think he loves the kids more than me. We went to counseling over 3 years ago, but we stopped. He was not doing the exercises at home, but just kept going to make me happy. Thats how I feel when we do stuff together, it's just him doing it out of obligation. I know i have issues too, but I keep trying but in reality sometimes i just want to not care.
This week I sent him a text message asking if he was willing to meet me sometimes at home to have sex and his response was a generic sure and then he texted me about his work. I told him I was sad because we don't spend time together and when I try to make things about us he doesn't show any passion for our relationship. Then he texted me and told me to get another sex partner. So i'm like ok I will. I"m at a point where I will get a sex partner and keep it from him and just let us be mundane family living. We only have sex a couple times a month mostly I initiate, but he says he isn't cheating. I half believe him because he is a workaholic, and half because i think no man goes without sex that long. Part of me is like can I be in a marriage where both people are cheating and not telling the other person but they both are suspicious.
Again, i'm going to be reading this website a lot, but i'm scared that my option is that I will have to have someone other than my husband to flirt with and have 'adult' time with. I know if I just talking to him about our issues and not bring it up, he will be happy because i'm not going to be nagging him. But i've been down that road before and it doesn't equate to him wanting to spend more time with me, he just says that he's happy. If I ever say i'm not happy then he gets upset, because I should be happy if he's happy.

If I show him any of this he will get mad that there is a problem and think i'm cheating on him. I don't know how to approach him. I do want to have an affair to fulfill my needs but if I actually say that to him, he'll say i'm a whore or something.

Hi Bluesheep,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. This is a great place for solving marital issues and having a great marriage.

First, this is Marriage Builders. No one here will tell you to go out and have an affair because your needs are not being met. Obviously, that would only make things worse.

Take a look at the article, "When to Call it Quits". It talks about what to do when there is neglect in a marriage and a spouse refuses to meet the other spouse's needs.

Also, read the book, "His Needs, Her Needs for Parents". It talks about how important it is for parents to have time for undivided attention to each other.


AM

bluesheep, I agree with Armymama that you need to read When to Call it Quits [the woman in the article saved her marriage, by the way] When to Call It Quits - Part 1

The biggest problem you have is that a) your husband is not in love with you and b) is not motivated to do anything about it. If he were motivated enough to do this program, he could fall in love again. One way to motivate him is to get him on the phone with one of the Marriage Builders coaches. They are sometimes very effective at motivating reluctant spouses to get on board.

In your case, I would ask for Steve Harley if you decide to do this. He is very persuasive and has turned around many marriages here. They charge around $200 a session, but it is worth every penny. If he could just motivate your husband then we could show you how to do the program.

If that doesn't work, I would plan to separate while you still have a shred of love left for him. Because you won't for long.

A complaint is an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage but an irritation in a bad marriage. Your husband doesn't care if you are unhappy and it irritates him when you tell him so.