Ive been married to this man for 23 years, two grown kids, no career of my own, no job. Ive supported him in his law enforcement career, we live very remote and because its such a small population,I cannot make friends here because its a very political environment, so I have to keep my friends on net or back where i am originally from to talk too.
This has been a long time coming for me. We've almost split up three times this year already. I feel no affection for him anymore and Im the one that doesn't say I love you anymore or hug him or anything. He's always forcing his hugs and kisses on me to the point that I get sickened by it. I have thought and talked with my mom about moving back home. I know its been along marriage but I haven't been happy for so long and I know he's not responsible for my happiness, I am. All I do know is if I leave this marriage, I never want to do it again. I feel helpless because if I leave I lose everything and mykids because they won't move back to where my mother lives, they like it here. And I will be all alone starting all over again with nothing. I really don't want anything from him except my freedom. Ive mentioned divorce many times and he will not let me go. But my question is should you stay in a relationship where you are miserable and unhappy, you cry when they aren't around, you have noone to confide in. You just suffer for the sake of everyone else but you. My friends are not supportive, they feel its just a stage I am going thru. I just am really lost and don't know whether Im coming or going and I am 42 now and I know I still have alot of life ahead of me, I just don't want to live the rest of my life in an unhappy situation where he is happy with the status quo but Im not.

Welcome to MB.

You have found a wonderful place to learn to have a wonderful romantic marriage.

Have you read this?
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

If your marriage is unhappy, you can turn that around. You have fallen out of love with your husband. But you can change that.


Well yes he is. We get married so our spouses will make us happy. That is not happening here.

Who are the friends you have to support you? Do you some good male support?

No, my father was a great person to talk to but he commmited suicide last february and then in April, my daughter moved out for awhile to make some money and work for herself, so alot happened last year at one time to seriously upset things in a major way enough for me. My daughter is now back home. My husband won't let me talk with other men at all, not even as friends. Im not even allowed to travel or take trips by myself either because he doesn't trust me enough. As long as I am at home where he knows where I am, then all is how it should be in his mind. I can't tell you in all seriousness how much I have sat down and cried when noone is around. I don't want to live like this anymore and last time I spoke with my mother about ending my marriage and coming home, she told me to be aware of the consequences of my decision, meaning she said that my kids would be so far away from me because I would be living back east with her and she is fine with that.
What scares me is starting over again because I know I won't get anything out of this except my own things and as my husband told me, i could have half the savings.

I came here because I need someone to talk too.

frus4,

Can you provide more details.

You've mentioned a few things regarding your R(Relationship) with your H(Husband).

What is your R with him like? What has caused you to go into withdrawal? Is it him or your life there?

To get you started I want to tell you about a few key principles that Dr. Harley has that are related to things you've mentioned.

1). Our spouses should be our best friends and being with them should be our favorite activity. You sound like you are alone ... so are there things you and your H can do together to have more of a LIFE!
2). Married individuals SHOULD NOT have opposite sex friends so when your H has pronounced he doesn�t want you to have any that is a good thing. The fact that he doesn�t trust you is interesting but on a good note you and him need to be fully transparent regarding your whereabouts. Trust is earned and being an open book to our partners is the only way to achieve that trust.

To reiterate what Melody has stated. You and your H have fallen out of love. The Marriage Builders program is the best program for helping to restore romantic love (the key to a happy M and a happy life). Imagine yourself being head over heels for your H and him being the one thing in this world that makes you feel happy, safe and fulfilled. That is what you will learn to implement here if you stick around and study the materials Dr Harley teaches.

I was withdrawn from my W. I no longer wanted to be physical with her. Hugs, kisses and sex were things I was no longer interested in. Her and I began to work the program together and now we are in a much different place. I am no longer withdrawn and I feel romantically attached to her. AND IT HAPPENS VERY FAST if you do the actions that are taught here.

Would your H join you in a program like this? It works leaps and bounds if both parties are on board.

WE can help you turn your marriage around, though. The best solution would be to get your needs met in your marriage and keep your family together. Do you want help achieving this?

Frus,

Why do you think it would be appropriate to have male friends, especially when your marriage is in trouble? That is inviting an affair, and you know that. It would be stupid of your husband to encourage male friends so - just wanted to point that out.

I'm not sure where you live, but here in Canada, when someone is in a remote posting, they can petition to be transferred if their marriage is in trouble.

Your husband and your children are happy where you live. Your family is your husband and children, not your mother. I understand in some ways - I am also in a remote posting for my husband, about 5000km from my mother. The language is also different. There was some resentment last year over this - but the solution was to FALL BACK IN LOVE with my husband, rather than continue to resent him and avoid him. I can assure you that falling in love can happen again.

You make your friends online and back home (presumably on Facebook, etc?). This leads to fantasy - imagining daily how fantastic your 'freedom' back home would be, rather than the reality of it - never seeing your children and going through divorce.

Come back to earth. You CAN make female friends - we are cop's wives but not shut-ins. Yes, there is politics, but surely you are not the only woman in town whose husband is not a criminal?? It took me years to find them but I did. It's hard but it isn't going to happen if you keep trying to live life through a computer. What is stopping you from keeping a hobby/career?

#1 task is to fall in love with your husband again.

Well the only reason I said about men as friends was because the first poster asked me if I had any good male support, that was all that was about.
As to our relationship, everything for the last six years has been all about his job and tons of drama that goes with it. We live in a predominately native community, everyone is related to everyone else. That makes things very complicated to put it mildly. he works all the time, even when home, he is on call. thats all year long, he is the only officer for a community of over 500 people.
The people that have tried to befriend me so to speak only do so to get information out of me to help themselves. Therefore befriending and trusting someone here is out of the question. They would use it against me and my family. That is the blunt truth.
And no I don't imagine how freedom back home would be. I am very much grounded in reality. My family has seen some of the worst things imaginable since hes been in this job. If I do take two days away or a week, my kids always accompany me and he stays home because we cannot trust the people here. they will rob us blind if we leave as a family, that is a fact.
So if he goes away for trainings, i have to stay home, if i go away, the kids come along. I have not had real time alone in 23 years. I don't know what the hell that is anymore.
Where I live, surrounded by water, no roads off or on. No restaurants, no nothing. My life is extremeley different from the majority of women in the united states.
So nooone can really relate to my situation.

We have worked thru our issues many different times and the problem generally lies in that things just always roll back to what they were. He would promise me vacations together and every spring and summer, it never happens, even when Ive wanted to go alone just to enjoy myself, he says no. I get that he wants to be with me, but he's not putting in the effort to make things any different.

I keep putting my best foot forward. I am trying.........but im getting really just frustrated and when he starts the name calling with me like last night just simply because he is tired, after he went to bed i cried.

Ok, we understand your marriage is unhappy. Do you want help resolving the problem?

frus4,

That doesn't sounds like a very good situation for anyone let alone a marriage.

I'm quite certain this program could help you and your H. But you both have to have a very open mind to what you feel you can and cannot do.

For starters. If a spouse's job creates a rift in the M it is highly, highly recommended another job be found. It sounds like your H is a prisoner to his job and it is killing his life and definitely a big reason why your M is in dire straits.

Stick around. You'll learn a lot about great marriages here.