I can't stop thinking about him. I wish that I would just stop. I can't help but think about the time that I know that he is spending with her. And what they are doing together. It's driving me insane.

My surgery went great!! I feel 100x's better. I'm not so exhausted anymore. Still stressed of course, but I am continuing to see my therapist to help me through this.

My sister doesn't tell me anything about the time that she sees my WH. I know that I shouldn't be checking his phone records, but I wanted to know if this separation was killing him as much as it is me.

You are correct, I am totally addicted to him! Even my therapist made the comment one time when we were discussing my marriage, before I went into plan B, she said...."you really love him, don't you?" And that is the absolute truth. I am completely head over heels in love with him, and that makes what he is doing even harder to believe. I can't believe that he allowed this woman into his heart and basically he destroyed our marriage. He used to talk about doing anything and everything just to make me happy, what the hell happened to that man that I married?? The one that adored me? The one that made all these future plans with me? The one that said that he'd spend the rest of his life with me? What the hell happened to him? And how can I get him back??

I miss him so much. I usually cry myself to sleep. How long until the pain stops? Does it ever stop?

Thank you so much for letting me vent.

CnAmry.

How are you doing creating a wayward free life? Have you stopped tracking? Are you keeping yourself busy and focusing on your life and what you want it to look like?

Another thing, if you haven't yet, is pack away anything you have that reminds you of WH. Earrings he gave you, photos, etc. It will get better, keep going!

Caveat, it will only get better if you follow RQ's advice.

CnAmry, I never had to go to Plan B in my sitch. I suggest you follow the advice of our Plan B posters to the letter. What they are telling you is crucial; you cannot successfully Plan B if you keep trying to track your H's phone activities. Think about it: how is tracking his phone activities going to tell you anything about what he is thinking, let alone if the separation is bothering him? It won't - it will only keep you triggered and keep you crying yourself to sleep at night. That is incredibly unhealthy for you! Please stop tracking him immediately - you are only hurting yourself by constantly confirming that he talks to her on the phone.

Follow our Plan B'ers advice, please! It will only help you!

Found out from my DS today that OW has moved out of state and that my WH has 3 months left on his lease. My WH has also told our DS that he wants to come back home. Details are kind of sketchy at this point, cause I haven't spoken to my WH as of yet. But I am guessing since she has left the state with another man, that is the only reason that he wants to come back, because.....I know that he doesn't want to be alone. I would love to welcome him back with open arms.....but now, I am a bit pissed that the only reason that he wants to come back to me is because she decided to leave him.

I don't know if they were living together. My DS has never seen them together when he was visiting my WH. I would assume that since she left with another man, that they were not living together. But I don't know.

Any advice on how to handle this next step? I do want him back, but I do not want to ever go through this again.

And another thing that has me confused.....it seems like it ended too quickly. Not that I'm complaining, really, but with the way that he has been wanting to come back since he left, I am curious if this is all just a ploy? Is she really gone? Or is it all a lie?

Have you read surviving the affair? You should read it all your answers are there.

When he communicates through your IM that he is willing to meet your conditions for recovery, then and only then would you break your plan B, work on a list of EP's and if he agrees and sends no contact letter, then considee reconciliation.

At the moment though he is just using your son to break plan B, probably to decide if to pursue OW or not. Don't break plan B unless he communicates via IM.

Exactly! Right now nothing has come from your I'M so there is no next step.

That,





and that.

What conditions did you give him to return in your Plan B letter?

The conditions that I gave him came from "Surviving An Affair".

Of course he doesn't understand the full access to his phone. The therapist that we are seeing has explained that being completely open about his phone and email is about rebuilding the trust.

The therapist I picked actually agrees with Dr Harvey's conditions. My WH has agreed to the terms and we have been going out on a lot of 'dates'. He sends me flirty texts throughout the day. I pay him surprise visits every once in awhile on the weekends when he's working in his friend's shop. And he doesn't get upset when I just show up.

It seems like it's too good to be true. And I know that the only reason that I have him back, is because the OW left town. I'm trying not to get angry with that fact. But it is very difficult not to keep going over that fact in my mind. I keep reading John's side of the story in "Suviving An Affair", it calms the anger down, but I still feel very upset about it. I have an appointment for the therapist alone so I can at least get this off my chest.

Any suggestions to how I can stop thinking about his "forced" decision?

What do you mean, he doesn't understand full access to his phone?

What conditions allowed his affair? Have these been eliminated?

I'm going to suggest to you that you don't know what would have happened, had OW not forced the death of the affair by leaving the state. For all you know, WH may have been anguishing quietly over his choice. He may have felt stuck and couldn't figure out how to get out of the corner he'd painted himself into. He may be relieved that his decision was made for him, and thankful you're willing to take him back.

So stop dwelling on his 'reasons' for coming back to you and concentrate on recovery.

Speaking of which: please actually list for us the requirements you gave him to be able to return to the marriage. My concern is that his boundaries are (obviously) poor. Add to that his tendency toward conflict avoidance and you have a recipe for yet another affair. You've got to affair-proof your marriage so this doesn't happen again. We need to see what requirements he has agreed to - we may be able to help you tighten up some of them so you don't find yourself in this place again.

Change the way you think about it. You are one of the lucky ones with an OW who took off. That means that you do not have to drive that skank out of town and now have the chance to get your DH back.

I know the feeling of thinking that you are the fall back plan. Affairs are so hurtful.

Focus on rebuilding the love and you will get past this.

The agreement that my DH and I have states that he's not have any contact with the ow. That we spend at least 15 to 20 hours alone together a week. That we have at least 1 to 2 date nights a week. That we see a counselor at least once a month. That we are completely open and honest with one another. That we complete the his needs her needs questionnaire . And that we read "Love Busters" and read "His Needs, Her Needs"

The problem that my DH is having, is trust with me and vice versa. Whenever asking who he is texting or talking to, he says, "It doesn't matter" or "What difference does it make?" I told him that in order for me to trust open and honest with me about who he is talking to and who he is texting without getting angry about why I'm asking. After discussing this, he did admit that it was easier before the OW came into play.

I rarely questioned who is was texting. But now he's seems bothered by it. Which bothers me.

He has to fly out of town for work in a couple of weeks and he has invited me along. My Mother-in-Law is going to come to our house and stay and I'm flying with my husband. We will be gone for 4 days. It'll be nice to get away!!!

I'm still struggling with the stuff I discovered. Like a couple of times when he was drinking before the OW left the area. He admitted to telling her that he loved her but she didn't respond back to him and he also said that just because he had sex with me doesn't mean that he loved me. But since she has left town, we have put our wedding rings back on. He has told me that he loves me and he hasn't talked to the OW (that I know of). He is a lot more affectionate, and flirting with me constantly! Texting me throughout the day with little flirty messages. The attention that he used to give me that stopped when she came into our lives has all come back plus some. And the intimacy has definitely returned!

How can I let go of the past??

Thanks for all your help!!!

Well, you should be questioning who he is texting and such. He should be completely transparent. If he is not, then he is not serious about recovery.

How else can you establish that there has been no contact?

His refusal to transparency is a huge red flag.

What were the conditions that you gave him?

It doesn't seem like he's serious about recovery.
Have you read this?
False Recovery-Need Voices of Experience

After talking to him about the transparency need and the need for us both to be open and honest, he said that he really doesn't understand why I need to ask about who he's texting.

I explained that its only fair, he has complete access to my phone, that I should have the same. So when he gets texts and stuff, he will either read what they say, or show me. I am pretty sure he thinks that it is ridiculous but he's doing it without getting upset if I ask.

I think this business trip is gonna be a great thing for us. I'm looking forward to being alone with him. He has also asked me to join him at work. Which was odd, he's never asked me to do that before.

I'm just stuck on the past, I'm trying not to think about it, but my mind keeps wondering back. How can I get past the past and focus on the great present and the great future that we are gonna have.

I'm in the same boat and I've been told that it takes time. It takes UA time and meeting ENs and then, eventually, you will build new memories that will replace the old (bad) ones and the resentment will begin to diminish.

I am 3 months out from D-Day and find that the pain is still pretty sharp. I'm trusting the vets that it will begin to fade as we recover.

OK.... then ....


You know 'fairness' is not the reason, don't you?
I'd be honest. This is about being safe, not being fair.

"I need to be reassured from time to time. You want me to feel safe, don't you?"