SD,

I have to admit that my H was angry and threw a lot of AO's at me but your H seems to want to throw everything including the bathroom sink at you. I feel a little weird giving you advice in the fact that I am a WW and don't have a lot of experience in the precise situation that you are in.

If he is throwing threats your way now going back on things that he promised you in court or otherwise you need to seek legal guidance.


Hopefully someone will come along who is more qualified than myself to help you out. I can help you in that I think you should stay calm, take deep breaths, and don't let anything your H does affect you and your steps to continue with the program and your own self renewal.

With or without him, SD don't forget your goals to help and improve yourself.

Yes, he was. It is my understanding it was in a really humiliating way too. Apparently she had sex with a couple people in front of others watching at a party. Also, he has a tumultuous relationship with his on again off again girlfriend before me. I think she cheated too.

He has made the comment, "why does this always happen to me!"

My therapist has often said that he is blaming me for all the other women before me.

Yes. He is clear. I think it really is over for him. I don't really see him moving toward me ever. It's still hard to believe the man he has become from all this. I am not so sure that it's normal just how mad he really is.


I appreciate your honesty. I wish that my husband was as open as yours. I honestly do not think it is for lack of trying on my part.

Meanwhile he has paid, he's just pissed about it. I have never had ANYONE speak to me the way he spoke to me on the phone earlier today. He hates me.

Honestly, I see the anger for what it is but I feel like his anger is beyond what I did at this point. We reconciled last year for a while. He snapped and decided he couldn't do it. Now, he is vicious to me. I think anytime that I say anything nice, he sees it as a threat. My therapist told me to stop apologizing to him as it triggers him and opens up fire on me. I know he deserves to be angry, but at what point does anger go too far? At what point am I opening myself to abuse? I am afraid that is where this relationship is going and that is not the environment I want to raise my daughter. I loved him, but now I don't recognize him.

HELLOOOOO-OOOO!

Regardless of whatever your prior/present status, your husband is currently a WAYWARD SPOUSE!

He is lining up his next mate (or at least trying out a girlfriend to fill the bill)! His monetary dissatisfaction is many times more related to wanting to have $$$ to spend on your replacement than any lingering resentment about your actions. (Seriously what does financial support for his children have to do with anything, except less money to spend on Ms Cupcake!)

Stop thinking, and operating as a (former) WW. You need to start implementing the advice here for a (current) BW.

Ok. So how does that work? How do I start acting like a BW? He is out of the house, so plan B?

He says he has no money to even eat right now. I don't mean to be harsh, but I really don't know what he expected from D. Our DD needs child support and he still owns our house where I live. His attorney offered this deal and I took it. I actually could have taken much more but I didn't because I didn't want him to suffer.

ALSO, he hit the OM in a public place with witnesses. He refused to pay the fine so now he is in court and owes a lawyer, the city, and the OM money adding up to about $5K. He could have been done with it for $400. I hate that he has to pay anything at all but he did it and its against the law. I didn't tell him to do that.

I just received my copy of Surviving an Affair in the mail yesterday. I will look over it this weekend.

First step is to gather evidence of his affair. E-notes, hire a PI, if necessary, have the kids report with whom he is spending time.

When you have enough - EXPOSE! This will also mean exposing your own actions, no doubt If new GF is married, expose to her husband/family. Your message must be to all and sundry, "I made mistakes, and I want to repair our marriage. Hubby is closed off to me, and that effort, as he has taken up with Ms Skank, even though we are still married. Please use any influence you have with hubby to have him end his affair, and return to his marriage and his children."

It will be dicey, but it's your best shot.

Sundancer, I tried to quote your text but I'll have to without since I'm on my phone. You said above that your bh's anger is beyond what you did. That is very disrespectful to say. You betrayed him and have no right to say what he should be feeling and how much. Of course he is angry! Being betrayed by your spouse is the MOST painful thing. Dr Harley (and I agree) say it is more painful than losing a child.

Have some empathy for the man you stabbed in the heart.

I'm not saying you should be abused but you have to understand his pain. If you don't, then he shouldnt reconcile with you.

I appreciate your feedback and I am not sure if you have read back on all this. But yes, he is angry about a lot more that the A. I certainly haven't backed down from my responsibility in this. I agree it he is in terrible pain. But with all due respect it is about much more than the A at this point.

Sun, I am familiar with your thread. I realize that your affair occurred a year ago, as did my husbands. I also realize his anger may be more about the fact that you withheld the truth/details about the affair as well. I don't feel that matters.

So how are your EP's coming along? Got them written yet?

You have had a year to change jobs, but still haven't?

SD,

Don't just look over the book, read it from cover to cover. No matter how your marriage ends up, you will learn a lot from this book.

My only advice to you now is to keep working the program FOR YOU!! Look over your list of EP and stick to them! Do it for you, your daughter, your self respect, and your future.

NG is right about trying to find out if your H is having a RA. I understand your confusion as far as the line between a WW and and a BS. I had a hard time with that as well. If he is having an RA and refuses to end it after you have exposed, you might want to consider going into a plan B. Read up on it however, plan B is NO CONTACT whatsoever with your spouse. It is completely dark.

I didn't know exactly what to ask for and expect from my H without being disrespectful and understanding to his feelings and actions.

My advice is that you continue to own up to your mistake but you should not allow him to verbally abuse you in any way. You should not okay or justify his actions/affairs because of what you did. You can acknowledge that his anger and pain was and continues because of you and your actions. But his current actions are his choosing, not yours.

If he has made a court ordered agreement to support you and your daughter, he needs to follow through on it. He agreed to it and again should not blame you or make you feel guilty.


We are here for you!

I just finished my MS degree in December and started applying for jobs. I couldn't leave until my MS was finished. I haven't gotten a call back for an interview yet. Also, everyone is on my insurance so I can't just up and quit. So no, I haven't left my job but not for lack of trying.

FY,

I think I have entered into no contact as of yesterday. He was just so brutal. I've never been spoken to that way in my life. I will keep my eyes and ears open about other women and read up on the plans.

I am sticking to the EPs. I do feel better about myself as a person when I do.

Thanks so much for your support.

Does your husband own any firearms?

Yes. But it is a pellet gun. You don't think I should worry do you?

2 things.
1. He beat up OM. Shows capacity for rage.
2. He was never as "brutal" towards you as yesterday.

His anger is escalating.
This seems abnormal to me.

What do you think?

I'm starting to get a lot of feedback that this is not normal behavior. I would be lying if I said I wasn't concerned. I have been for a while. Pepper, you are right, it is escalating.

A couple of our good friends have also expressed concern about his anger to me. My therapist told me that he is acting out of proportion to the situation at this point and if she were working with us together, she would warn him that his actions and words have gone too far. I have taken a lot of it because I feel guilty and I do think that he has a right to be mad. I am learning to what extent that anger is allowed to go.

I think I need to keep space and protection for myself and my daughter right now. I honestly don't know if he will snap. I think the best thing for me is no contact for a time. He's just too volatile right now.

You know he is a counselor, he is getting individual counseling and he has a couple good friends who are a voice of reason for him. I worry about how far he has gotten from himself. Our friends are all concerned.

Just got this text message reminding me that my A started a year ago today. He reminded me that we were talking about having a baby at that time. Then he goes on to say how can I sleep at night doing what I did and now take his money.

I feel like he is trying to threaten me to stop getting child support and the money for his half of the mortgage. He offered this to me and now says he can't afford it.

I am feeling so guilty that I almost want to give in... Am I being unreasonable?

...stop getting child support...

You are the (custodial) steward for your children's financial interests and well-being. You would be abdicating your responsibility and duty TO THEM by foregoing WH's legal and moral duty to support them.

...his half of the mortgage...

This works, again, in the line of providing for his children and his family. If selling the house is feasible and desirable for both of you (POJA) cooperate in doing that, once you have other suitable housing.

...says he can't afford it...

Good! Have him stop acting like a petulant 3-year-old, give up his girlfriend with her oh-so-comfy attention ("My wife was MEAN and NASTY to me!"), and return home, like an adult.

Running away usually creates more problems than it solves.

I am not opposed to selling the house. I just don't want to be bullied into it. He wants to quick sell it and I just don't want to do that. It was our investment for our future and its worth more. He will have to continue to pay his part of the mortgage until it is sold anyway so I just don't understand how he thinks this will be different.

I feel like he is throwing temper tantrums right now. I want no part of his cursing and abuse. I am taking space. I told him I will not talk to him until he calms down. I will wait at least a week before making any negotiations and none of it will be through text messaging.

NG, I can't agree with you more. running away creates so many problems.