My husband started a thread on here maybe some on you have read it. Well how to start. Basically I believe for the most part I'm a good wife, most of the time I treat my husband with love. However I have a problem and have had it maybe all my life and that's my rage. It doesn't happen often anymore although it used to happen quiet often. Anyway when I get angry, really angry I can't seem to control my emotions or my actions. I used to even slap my husband, throw things at him, push him, bite him And maybe even worse say abusive things, threaten to divorce him, tell him I hate him, I'm like a wild, caged, wounded cat. You hurt me and I will hurt back but twice as hard. It's so stange, it's like an out of body experience there is suddenly this evil me saying and doing these horrible things and it's like the normal me, the real me is watching from the outside and screaming STOP STOP!! Only once she gets control again it's too late. Well a couple years ago during one of my outbursts my husband finally called the police on me. It was a big wake up call and I was resolved to change for good, I went to anger management and I felt I made a lot of really good progress. I really truly believe the physical abuse has been eliminated, when I get angry it doesn't even cross my mind to get physical anymore, so I really feel that problem is gone. However the verbal abuse is still a problem, and this past week I have a bad relapse said things I really regret. It just about cost me everything, only through the grace of God is my husband giving me another chance. I'm starting counselling again ASAP but I'm open to suggestions and advice that any of you have to give. Thank you

MG, did you listen to the radio show on your husbands thread about controlling anger? The key will be to train yourself to RELAX when you feel rage coming on. You are temporarily insane when you get angry. I also had problems with rage in my past, and have beat up and shot at my ex-husband. I figure if I can change, you can too!

The way is to learn relaxation techniques so your brain develops new neural pathways when you get frustrated.

What things trigger you the most?

Go check out this thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2718306&#Post2718306

MG, what is the counselor's plan to train you to control your anger?

Thanks Melony, things that trigger me the most are hurtful words from him, he gets this coldness about him when he's angry that just sets me off saying things like "shut up" "Get out of my sight" "I want nothing to do with you" I want his love and affection so much these things cut me to the core and I cut back. PS. I haven't listened to the show yet, be doing that soon.

Not sure yet, my previous counselor is on maternity leave, just found out today that's why she hasn't been returning my calls, so they gave my file to someone new, hopefully I'll be hearing from them and have a session soon

Thanks for answering. While you are responsible for your angry outbursts, his behavior is disrespectful and abusive. The program addresses and corrects those problems.

Thanks, which program, specifically?

Marriage Builders. I think your husband has ordered some of the books already according to his thread.

Welcome to MB!

What I understand from your reactions is that its anxiety thats causing you to lose your cognitive thinking abiltiy and you just react instead of think it through.

Those clips really helped me ... I gave the link to your hubby in his thread (hopefully you read all our replies) I also gave the link www.anxietybc.com as a resource to learn about anxiety and how it creates a fight,flight, or freeze response in ppl... so in you .. its fight. You dont run from your anxiety you face it head on and attack it to make it go away, its a precieved threat. Probably a learned habit from child hood. (im my opinion anyhow .. correct me if i am wrong)

You can work through this .. your marriage is very salvageable! We even pointed that out to your hubby and pointed out a few things he could work on. Its a process ... and conditioning over time thats created all this. And it will be a process to recondition yourselves to not fall into those patterns again.

Post here .. vent here .. and read all you can. Make sure to listen to that radio show on anger management.

Also in the clips Dr.Harley talks about biofeedback I got one of those little devices and it really helps you be more aware of how your body is reacting to certain situations. The tone pitch goes higher when you you are aroused or thinking of something that causes you anxiety and you can concentrate on breathing and then after a few seconds the tone goes down as your body relaxes so you can turn the sensitivity up and repeat the process many times for an even deeper relaxation. With a little practice with the GSR2 device you can teach yourself to relax in the face of stress. I'M not a pro at it .. but in my situation .. i have learned with my GSR2 device how to "turn down the volume" on my stress/anxiety levels. When i first used my device I would start just under 2 on the dial and work my way towards 3 on the dial (the bigger the number on the GSR2 the more relaxed you are). Now I can get it over 3 ..no problem and it starts at just under 3.

If you can turn the dial all the way down to the minimum setting and it makes noise? your on the brink of insanity and losing your cognitive thinking ability and lose all rational thoughts and anxiety takes over. Beenderdundat. I tried this .. lol .. on the first day i got into a bit of s spitting match with mywife and as i felt the adrenaline in my body i grabbed the GSR2 and put it on .. i didnt even need to turn up the dial it was already making noise at 1. Thats dangerous. So many ppl live on that edge .. you never know whats going to put them over. Especailly in todays society and how busy life is. Its crazy. I dont like being on the edge and didnt realize how close i was to it until i got this device.

Anyhow .. sorry for my ramblings .. Hope ya stick around.

MNG

Oh duh ok, good to know

Thank you for your reply, yes I was bullied at school starting in pre-school and I believe that is where I learned this bad habit/pattern of the fight response. I don't believe in horoscopes but I fit Scorpio to a tee, you try to squash me and I will sting and it will hurt. Anyway.. my husband told me last night he bought one of those devices for us as well. I just listened to the first part of the radio show. Thanks so much for all the advice, prayers are welcome too. I believe in the power of prayer and I'm trying to have faith that I can change and that we can have a happy healthy marriage.

Oh np. You can absolutely change. God brought you guys here for a reason. I bet you that you will find being here and accountable to us far more productive than the mc for the reasons your going. Just my 2 cents. I will pray for softer hearts, understanding and patience for you two.

Thank you so much, just been reading more in his thread too and brought to tears (good ones) to see how he has come around on some things. Also learning myself the whole, no one can make me angry but me and on the flip side I'm also responsible for my happiness. I think I depend to much on him to make me happy so then when he does something that makes me feel hurt/rejected I just haven't known how to handle it. So yeah got work on me, if I'm the wife I want to be and he's the husband he wants to be then we have a good chance I think.

And HE is very responsible for your happiness, MG. If he makes you feel hurt and rejected that needs to STOP because you will fall out of love with him. The program teaches you both to never do anything that upsets the other spouse. The goal is to make each other happy. We will help you with this. There should be no more grin and bear it.....

Yes you are right, but I guess, well maybe I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, you know this stuff so I'll listen to you on that point. Maybe what I mean is my self worth needs to come from God and myself and not let my self worth be dependent on him, yes?

I am not sure I understand what that means. But I want to assure you that our goal is to make your marriage your greatest source of happiness. And if your husband makes you feel upset or rejected, then that behavior has to be stopped. Anything that you both are doing to upset the other will be stopped. For example, if you feel rejected or hurt, then whatever happened to cause that should be eliminated. If something you do upsets your husband, it should be eliminated.

It sounds like there has been a lot of lovebusting and abuse from both of you, and we can help you guys learn new habits.

Have you read any of the articles here? Here is a good one that discusses lovebusters: here

Ok, yes I got ya now. I'm listening to the radio show now, I'll read that soon though, thanks. Yes my goal is to stop saying or doing anything that makes him feel hurt/disrespected, to stop the anger and to make him feel respected, loved, supported and to build him up

You got it!

I'm in the same boat Mikesgirl. I could've written much of what you wrote (although I was never bullied, so even less reason to be as bad as I am). The radio program that was linked is helping me. I've had some setbacks but not nearly as bad as before and nothing physical. In addition to everything recommended, have you looked into hormonal issues? I'm only 34 but mine are very out of whack, even into the menopausal range. I'm finding it even easier to stay cool as those issues are treated.

All the best to you.