After we found out about my daughter, I started working a ton of overtime so we could get out of the house we were in. A I also started pushing people away from me. Friends, family everyone. I started pushing my wife away being very disrespectful. The whole time working70 to 80 hrs a week. A year later my wife discovered me EA. it was easy to stop, and my wife and I got along great for a couple of months. Then in a matter of 3 months i fell completely apart. AO. I tried controlling everything with our kids. I was disrespectful. The whole time my wife tried telling me the damage I was doing. I didn't hear her. Looking back Ijust don't get it. I've always loved my wife. Why did I stop showing it? Looking back I can see the progression. The snowball. I was out of control. I see what Dr Harley is. saying . Now to stop it from ever happening again.

My overall impression of what you wrote is that you do not know a healthy way to deal with grief. You process grief as anger. When you are angry .... 'look out world'.

I am wondering if you have any history of serious 'road rage' incidents?




It seems to me (correct me if I am wrong) that you assumed your wife would love you "unconditionally". That is to say, you thought her love for you could & would survive despite your unloving behavior. Am I right?



This is why Dr Harley believes love IS conditional. Because he recognizes the love bank empties with love busters.

Keep posting. I think it helps you.

by whom?

No, no serious road rage. I was very angry about my daughter. The way I dealt with everything was to try and keep it all tucked inside. I worked overtime like it was an obsession, trying to get my family out of that house.



Yes, I thought my wife would love me unconditonally. I thought I would always love her unconditonally. I stopped trying in our marriage because of it. I promise you it wasn't because I didn't love my wife. She doesn't believe that.



As far as who did that to my daughter.
Ther was an older couple we had as neighbors that had a horse farm. My oldest was ALWAYS infatuated with horses. The neigbor agreed to let her come up and work around the horses and learn. No one in our community had a bad thing to say about him. Everyone liked him. After she had gone up awhile he found a horse for her. My wife and I were so excited for her. The whole family started going up helping and enjoying his small farm. We would eat up there most nights in the summer. We all helped make hay and feed the animals. We started doing everything together. When it got cold out him and his wife would come to our house at night for supper. He helped with any projects I was doing and I would help him. My wife and I made him our best friend. Two years into it the school discovered what was happening. That's when our hell really began. Not that we hadn't had problems before that. My wife recognized that she needed help to deal with what she was going through. She went to counseling and she did an amazing job of getting our daghter and other two kids through it. I on the other hand held everything in. I didn't think there was anything I couldn't handle. I worked the overtime convinced that the best thing for me to do was make money so I could get my family out of that house before he got of prison. My wife says I use this as an excuse. I know there is NO excuse for the way I treated my family. But there sure is a lot of guilt for ever letting this happen to my family, then I failed to protect them from me.

When you throw my EA in on top of it, what a recipe for disaster.

It's really no wonder my wife has so much anger and resentment. I just wish we were dealing with our issues together instead of quitting.

You should concentrate on fixing yourself right now.
Journal what you have learned about your life.
If you are not grateful for today, you are ungrateful.

I am grateful for today pepper. Im thankful for my 3 kids. I'm very thankful my wife was strong enough to pull my daughter through.
I still can't help but to be saddened when I think of what I've lost. Foolishly thrown away.
I am concentrating on myself and my kids. I still read and work every night before I go to sleep. It's hard not to get down when I miss my wife somuch. I don't dwell on it, but I still think of her often then I wonder if she thinks of me and misses anything about me. I'd give everything and anything to be with my wife and kids. To be a family again.

Remember, Jesus spent 40 days in the wilderness. Even jesus was tested.

Had a good evening with the kids. We made seafood alfredo for supper. I was looking forward to left overs but there wasn't any. When they're not with me now I don't hear a lot from them. That really bothers me. I'm glad they are doing ok with all of this, but I feel like I'm forgotten. Like maybe they are too used to this.

I just finished reading The Resolution for Men. I'd recommend it. I heard there was one for women too. I needed it several years ago.

So lately I've really been analyzing how I got here. I know people say not to live in the past but I feel you have to. At least to a point to prevent it from happening again. Like I've said, I've had episodes of controlling behavior and AO for some time. There is never an excuse for it, but the last two years it got worse and worse. After my W found out about my EA WE were getting along great, at least for a couple of months. Then my work got slow. They cut out all OT. That's when things went from bad to HORRIBLE. When we would fight I'd just be mean. Mean and controlling.I still don't get it. Like I said, I have ALWAYS loved my wife. I want nothing more than to prove that to her. I wish we could talk. I wish she could forgive me long enough to see how much I love her and what our marriage could be. I know she still has a lot of anger, but deep down she is a wonderful and forgiving woman. Nothing was as important to her as family. Now I see why. I really wish she still wanted me in her family. I love her.

Spent the weekend with my parents. Even went out with my Aunt and Uncle for awhile. Trying real hard not to think about everything. Sometimes it works sometimes it don't.

A friend of mine is letting me borrow one of his Harleys. So when I got home I went for a ride on it. Now I'm just waiting to go to work and start midnights.

I really am trying not to dwell on what I've lost. I take time everyday to remember what I still have. I also ask God a thousand times a day to help my family.

One day at a time

I'm trying Jedi, some days are just harder than others

Hi bnmt, your situation reminds me a lot of my own. Have you read HNHN for Parents, it has a lot of great advice on how to demonstrate thoughtfulness to your kids during weekly FC time. There were many times that I didn't handle my kids well, but I have a really peaceful relationship with them now.

My ex has also made a lot of changes in how he is with the kids, and it shows, like when he calls them just to talk to them, for their benefit. And it shows when the kids come home and talk about the fun things they did with their Dad.

What is your plan to eliminate AOs? Are you working on yourself visibly? I think when you make consistent effort, it will change how you feel about your situation, give you a new sense of hope for happiness in your life.

I haven't read hnhn for parents yet. I'll make that my next one to order.

I've done really well with AO. The relaxing is helping a lot. Not to mention slowing down and just thinking before I speak. I still read constantly, anything I can get my hands on. I've been doing some mild exercises.

Like I said, I still think of my wife constantly. It's hard to imagine happiness without her. I know it will eventually happen, right now I just want to be numb. I want to stop missing her.

bn, I don't know quite how to explain this, but I'm hoping I can get the message across. There were a lot of similarities in my own failed marriage. When my ex would tell me that he missed me, why don't the kids call, why don't I just get over my resentment of him, it was still really clear he was just 100% about his own immediate happiness, and not about building a happy family.

This is why I am urging you to take buyer steps, to get into the habit of setting yourself up for long-term success. Call the kids regularly, put some thought into your time together with them. Think long-term, what does your wife need to see, how can you show her that? What are your favorite RC things, how can you make those happen, so it's easy to reconcile into a happy situation?

~~~~ This is very important information !!!

You're absolutely right, missing my wife is selfish. But honestly its not all for selfish reasons. I do understand what you're saying. I'll try to be careful to guard against that mindset.

I don't want to be a good husband and father, I want to be a great husband and father. I know that takes a lot of work and patience. The selfish part is that I want it to be for my wife. Not someone else.

That being said, ill start rereading some things on here.

Thank you.