Welcome Mike's Girl!!
Just a word of encouragement that you and your husband absolutely can and will overcome the problems that have taken hold of your marriage these last years. The MB program, implemented with care and thoughtfulness will take you very far away from those days and toward your goal of a beautiful, fulfilling marriage that you and your children can be proud of.

You have a great opportunity to demonstrate and teach your children how parents can do things incorrectly, but then take responsibility for themselves and get help and turn things around.

Live in the truth!!

Opt

Mikesgirl,

I think what you are referring to is codependency. That isn�t a good thing NO. You do want to be able to stand on your own and be your own person yet still build an interdependent R.

Dr. Harley talked about this on his radio show � I think it was last week. I wish I had his quotes from it as it was very educational on the difference between the two and I�d hate to misquote him. Maybe someone who has access to the archives would know what I�m referring to it and post the links.

Here is a definition on interdependence.

The key word here being mutually. As in Dr. Harley�s concept of Joint Agreement (a mutual agreement).

Anyways it never hurts to work on ourselves as individuals so our overall life can improve but it isn�t a requirement to having a good marriage. All one needs is to learn and implement the concepts taught at Marriage Builders.

MG, welcome to MB. For me one of the really cool things about replacing the anger is that I totally 100% stopped flying off the handle with my kids. I don't know how I would have gotten through these teenage years if I hadn't had these years in between to learn and practice the skills I would need to handle frustrating circumstances with grace and with a plan! With 3 boys it sounds like you'll get a ton of practice too!

I know you all are working on the anger first but I would also strongly suggest HNHN for Parents. It's great on how to teach the kids thoughtfulness. I remember the "bad old days" when my ex used to lay into me verbally because my DD didn't have her shoes on when it was time to go to school. PM's describing coming home to a kid with an open cheerios box was *so* familiar.

But this stuff is so fixable as you two leave those DJs behind and instead work together toward common goals. I think it's awesome he has tackled some of the DS stuff this weekend. Actions speak so much more loudly than words. You all will get some great routines going that will set your family up for long term success. I'm so happy you're here too!

Thank you all, there is a lot to digest but keep the responses coming. We talked on the phone last night and things went really well, it was a really good talk about what we want to change, what we've been doing right, what we've been doing wrong and how we can make good changes. He wants me to come back home now, I'll be headed back this afternoon. We'll still be on here though I'm sure for all your guidance and advice

Bless you, I wish you all the best too, yes I do think hormones come into play as well and that's something I need to look in to

I will keep looking for the clip that Mr.Alias was talking about.

Here's an article that might help.
Control Dependency and Identity

Mikesgirl,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. You have been getting excellent advice. I am very hopeful for you, your marriage and your family.

AM

Wow, this part of the letter from the wife jumped out at me and I could have written it word for word... Been feeling this way for a while and this probably the biggest thing that triggers my anger
"When I first married Greg, I committed myself to care for him the very best way I knew. I read books on men and what they needed, and tried to be everything he wanted in a woman. In those days I was absolutely crazy about the man, and rarely denied him anything. He was the absolute center of my life, so much so that I completely forgot about what I needed.

However, instead of appreciating all that I did for him, he could always find the fly in the ointment. He always wanted something more. The house wasn't quite clean enough, I wasn't quite thin enough, we didn't make love quite often enough. Once in a while, he would fly into a rage, and lecture me on some mistake he thought I made."

Excellent .. Thats the beginning of POJA


Thats even better news! .. You cant work on your marriage if your not together. Be very cautious though that you dont resort back to your old habits ... its easy to get comfortable again and slip up. IF you feel at all like your anxiety is kicking in .. just tell your hubby .. im getting anxiety .. we need to take a break from this convo and come back to it later.


You will probably find being here with us and letting us hold you accountable here gives you more help than going to a counselor. But regardless .. this place is an invaluable resource of support for BOTH you and your hubby.

MNG

mg, what's your plan for how to handle this, instead of launching into verbal abuse? I linked on pm's thread the 4 guidelines to successful negotiation, to stop the discussion if it gets heated. Do you believe you can do this?

And even better suggestion I believe I heard here was to have a code word or sign that allowed the current convo to end. It is agreed upon by both that when the code word or sign is presented then the conversation stops and you do something else. Whether that's leaving the room to be apart or simply changing the subject. It is agreed that the topic will be set aside for another time when cooler heads will prevail.

I always envision it being a code word that is totally random and yet somehow funny. Something that when mentioned may actually make each other chuckle a bit. It being something that would stop the anger in its tracks. Something light, something humorous.

�Ahhhhhhhhhk! �����. BRUSSELS SPROUTS!�

Of course I�ve never experienced the temporary insanity of an anger attack so maybe humor would only make the situation worse. Isn�t laughter the best medicine?

I believe I can, we got back to being comfortable in our old habits and I think that's what hurt us, but since my AM course last time I've gotten a lot better at just walking away, getting away from him when he's the one who is mad so I don't become mad too. One plan I have is to go back to something that really helped me in the past. I put little notes over the house for myself where I knew I would see them several time a day, like on the fridge or the bathroom mirror. Notes that say "no matter what stay calm" "no angry outbursts" "no abusive words" "Deep breaths, even if he's angry respond with respect and love" Little things like that so that it was always in the front of my mind.

LOL! That might be a good idea, I'll bring it up at counselling tonight

MG,

Have you read the information about relaxation techniques? Have you heard about using a galvanic skin response meter?

I think the view about your past AM course may be flawed. You may think you are better. However, you had a severe verbal outburst in front of your terrified children. Your course did not prevent that outburst and you should NEVER do that again.

At the same time, it is important for you and your husband to negotiate and use POJA. He should not be making selfish demands or expressing disrepectful judgements to you.

AM

Yes, I think my husband already ordered those things and I'm doing lots of helpful reading on here about relaxation techniques and I will put those into practice. This is something we BOTH need to work out though, the children were terrified but not of me, he yelled first they were even telling him "be nice to mommy, don't make her cry" But I'm sorry, there I go again, I don't want to echo, just saying we both need to control our anger in-front of and with the kids.

The kids are a sensitive issue to me, I would die for my babies they are my world. I want to talk about me and my husband but if we could leave out mention of the kids I would prefer that, you are strangers you have no right to talk about my kids.

Here's the show.
Radio Clip on Co-dependency