I don't even know how to explain this.

I am an enabler and I don't know how to stop being one. My whole life, I have been conditioned to accept her view of reality. It was only after I found MB that it even occurred to me to question what I had always been taught.

My mother is very emotionally fragile. She gets very upset and defensive when someone questions her view of reality. She suffers from depression, is diabetic, has high blood pressure, and is now going to see a cardiologist for a possible heart issue. I'm afraid to upset her too much because of her health. I don't know how to stand up to her or talk to her without upsetting her.

Did you ever write Dr. Harley?

No, not about the issue with my mother.

Do you see that your view of her being "emotionally fragile" as her way of being abusive, controlling and gaslighting to you? A great book to read is one called The Gaslight Effect. I think it will really open up the idea that your mother is not "emotionally fragile" as she has led you to believe she is.

Will you?

I don't know. I'm thinking about it.

I think I already know what he'll say.

Logan, I haven't heard of The Gaslight Effect, but it sounds like something I need to read. I don't know if she's doing this on purpose. I think she's just very afraid of being alone. She's never lived on her own. My grandmother was always there to take care of her and now she isn't and I'm all she's got.

Read this.
Please Explain Gaslighting

I have only read through a quarter of the book......keep getting to busy to finish it. Lots of lightbulb moments while reading it though. I am very greatful that one of our vets here recommended it to me.

After reading some of this, I'm not sure it applies to my situation.

It seems my mother is more of a guilter. She gets people to do what she wants them to by making them feel guilty if they don't.

Her (admittedly unspoken) stance on the topic seems to be: I took care of grandma (her mother) for ten years after she had a stroke and now that grandma is gone, it is your responsibility to take care of me.

She seems to want to flip rolls now that my grandmother is gone. She has gone from caretaker to patient and I have been place in the caretaker role.

The only difference is, my grandmother was 80 when she had her stroke and needed someone to take care of her and my mother is only 65, and even though her health isn't great (because of lifestyle choices she has made), she is much more able to meet her own needs than my grandmother was after her stroke. It's almost like my mom wants to be sick so that someone will have to take care of her.

Or maybe guilt is one method of gas lighting? I don't know. Maybe I don't understand it enough at this point.

Get the book, it is on Kindle. Very eye opening.

I don't have a kindle, but I'm going to order the actual book. Thanks.

Going to try to find it at my local library, since apparently even a used copy is over $30.

Rather than trying to put a name to the manipulative tactics of your Mom, wouldn't it be more fruitful to make a plan and follow through with how you will react?

Define your boundaries.

Enforce your boundaries.

How can you brainstorm a solution to allow your mother to utilize others for assisting her?

IMO, spending time reading about what Gaslighting may or may not be detracts from resolving one of the situations you are confronted with.

If anything is to be read, read about boundaries. I think the most referred one is authored by a person named Townsend.

LTL

Those who are being gaslighted may not even realize they are. It is not about putting labels on people. By reading up on gaslighting, she actually can help herself with defining and enforcing her boundaries.

That's a valid point for someone who is unaware of being manipulated and/or deceived.

Would you agree though that this poster stated being fully aware of how she is being used?

Her solution is not that she is unaware of what is occurring, but rather that she has continued to perpetuate the tactics by allowing it to continue, thereby enabling the continuation of the malady.

Enabling and boundaries, along with the self esteem to assert her choices and not fold seem to be the primary issue.

Would you agree with that?

Regardless, reading too much other topics is a self fulfilling prophesy, where, once you go seeking a position to label, you visualize all types of minutiae to validate those descriptions.

IMO, this is akin to labeling a spouse as NPD, BPD etc...

LTL

Boundaries

Upstairs could be private for you, hubby, dd4. Make that space a haven from the chaos.

If both sons are there, they share a space downstairs. If they don't like it, they're free to move out. You're willing to let them leave.

You don't watch cable? Save $$$/month. Mom can pony up if she wants the service.

Sons take dear mom on her errands. Tell the three of them to work it out.

You've got three freeloaders. Set it up so they will be PITA for each other

Some of this might work.

DH and I have talked about stopping the cable. We rarely watch it. But my mother watches TV about 15 hours a day and she would go ballistic if we do decide to turn it off. Literally she spends the entire day laying on her bed or on the couch watching TV.

If both sons sleep downstairs, they would have to do it in the living room. The only problem with this is that we have a hard tile floor downstairs and even putting a pad down wouldn't help much. Right now, DS 19 has been sleeping on the couch, but they can't both sleep there. DS 21 will only be here until November, so it is temporary.

But I do like the thought of the upstairs being our space. For the most part, it is, though my mother still lumbers her way up here at times and has even come into our bedroom on occasion.

Neither DS 19 or DS 21 have a license, so they can't drive my mother anywhere.

We need to work on dividing up the chores too. Right now, I do 90% of the work. DH pitches in when he's home. DS 19 will do dishes and he does baby sit. DS 21 has already offered to help out while he's here and he has always been a good worker. My mom usually won't even put her own dishes into the dishwasher, though she will occasionally rinse them off.

Honestly, the more I think about this, the more my mother seems like the child in this equation. About the only thing she does is wash her own laundry. She will baby sit sometimes, if you consider laying on her bed watching her TV while our DD 5 sits in the living room and watches our TV to be baby sitting.

Hard tile floor?
He might prefer to find a softer bed elsewhere. You're willing to let him do that.

Air mattress < $50 bucks if he wants to treat himself.

Mom wants cable? No problem, if she pays the bill.

Mom won't help with dishes...paper plate next meal? I'm being nice, I almost said dirty plate. "Oh, I'm sorry, your plate didn't get washed. Maybe next time."

Your wheelchair using mom lumbers upstairs. Not sue about that one. Get creative....Or get assertive. Ask her if she's feeling strong enough to live independently?

Let the consequences fall freely upon the freeloaders heads.