I have been married for 13 yrs. I love my husband. He flirtatious behavior with his coworkers has always been a problem in our marriage. He travels often on business so we have had many discussions regarding this matter. I feel that he is addicted to the attention he gets from other women.He passes it off as just complimenting them and being the "nice guy" but I feel as if he strives to notice and compliment women on the things that their husbands and boyfriends dont notice. He assures me that he has never had bad intentions and never had an affair, but he has been caught in several lies regarding going to lunch alone with female coworkers including a women that I have expressed concerns about in the past. Recently when I picked him up from the airport after a business trip, he rushed ahead of me to help this woman with her luggage while I walked behind with a cast on my foot because I broke my foot while he was away. This action spoke volumes to me. He assures me that he was just being helpful and a gentleman and I feel as if he chose her over me. He only admits to flirting & being too "buddy buddy" and lying about it after we have many painful conversations. He is willing to go for counseling and even change his job which makes me feels as if there is more to the problem than just flirting. He has agreed to follow Dr Harley's program but how am I able to notice change if this behavior only happens at work?

Do you have a specific question?

The LOVE BANK concept will answer your question.

Your H is willing to make withdrawals from your love bank (love busters) in order for him to enjoy the admiration of other females.
In other words, your H knowing and habitually repeats certain behaviors he knows are offensive to you and he feels no empathy for the pain this causes you.

Is this accurate?

Jrodz, that is good that he is willing to find another job since traveling jobs are an invitation to affairs. I would focus on finding a means of support where you an be together somehow and monitor his flirtatious behavior. For example, he could look at home office solutions, starting a business together, etc. you get the idea.

Is there a reason why he would want to go to counseling? That causes concern because counseling is so destructive to marriages. If you would both go through this program and change his lifestyle, you could transform your marriage and resolve the flirting problem.

Has he had an affair? Would he take a polygraph to prove it?

Does this mean you are going to sign on for the online course?
I hope this is what you mean.

I believe he has empathy now and is remorseful for his behavior now that I have called him out on the lies and have suggested separating due to the fact that he has known for years this behavior was upsetting to me and yet he assured me he wasn't flirting. He feels he needs counseling because he thinks he behaves this way because he is insecure about himself & seeks approval and admiration. He has agreed to a polygraph & agreed to sign an agreement kind of like a postnup agreeing to whatever terms would give me piece of mind. Unfortunately right now knowing that he has been lying about his behavior for years, I believe he desparately wants to change and save our marriage but nothing at this point will give me piece of mind. I guess I really don't have a question, I was just needing feedback.

Good for you. You stood up for yourself and stated a boundary. You will not participate in the marriage "as is".



I call 'bull-crap'.
Does your H need counseling to tell him to keep his rear end clean? Did he start brushing his teeth because a counselor told him it was necessary?
He's not a defective man needing to be fixed by someone else.
He has a habit of getting some of his needs met outside marriage. Why? Because it is cheap and easy .... the lazy man's way.
There, counseling done! I fixed him. Diagnosis = lazy.


Schedule the poly. You can make your decision after the poly.



Your love bank is about to go into THE RED.

My suggestion .... ask H to join the forum and identify himself as your husband.
We can be quite persuasive. Especially MelodyLane-The-Enforcer.

PS:
We love paragraphs.

While it is good that he acting remorseful, I would urge you to follow through on the to make sure you have gotten the entire truth of what he has been doing in his secret second life.

My xWH agreed to a poly as well after being caught in lies, and because he seemed so vested in trying to fix the M and agreed to take the poly, I thought that meant that he was being finally honest with me -- when he was not.

This is a . This is more focus on himself rather than putting the focus where it needs to be, you and the M.

I hope you do not agree to this plan, Jrodz. Counseling is a disaster for marriages and is a wayward's dream come true ----> sitting around having someone validate and listen to excuses for poor choices, rather than actually doing something about it.

MB is all about changing bad habits (for him, dishonesty & allowing other women to meet his ENs) and developing new ones that will protect you and improve your M.

Someone call the whaaaaaambulance!


*LINK* to my rant about "low self esteem"

Jrodz , feel free to pull some responses from the linked rant.

BTW,

"My Husband Lies About Flirting with Coworkers" = this is called gaslighting. Your H knew exactly what he was doing, and this is a tactic used to make you feel like you are the one with a problem so that he can keep doing what he wants to do.

It is often a relief to BS's when they learn there is actually an actual term for this and they aren't actually crazy or imagining things!

SusieQ's waytard H thought he needed "therapy" too.

Yes, and this topic actually came up when I talked to Dr Harley on the radio show.

Dr Harley's response? (this is paraphrasing) I am experienced, I at one time had 200 psychiatrists working under my direction, I know what happens when you go to therapy to work on your self-esteem....nothing.

Besides, when waywards say this, it's not because they actually want help with their self-esteem. I think it's just a stalling tactic. Stop hurting those you are supposed to love and care for and start making better choices....obviously this will make you feel better about yourself, right? It's not rocket science. You don't need therapy to know this.

This is exactly what I need...feedback from people who have been there. You all have no idea how you comments have helped me. I am having such a hard time thinking clearly because all I feel is betrayal and distrust. I do want to remain in this marriage however I took precautions on my end to protect our marriage and now I feel like he has a lot of work to do to convince me that I should give him the chance to do the same. I just feel that if he would lie about having lunch with a woman how am I to believe that he was faithful while away on business with the same woman?

THis is definitely a red flag and you are right in being distrustful.

Have you snooped his phone records, emails and text messages? Does he erase texts or emails?

He can take a polygraph. Ad he can change his lifestyle In a way that makes it impossible for him to flirt.

No one has outright said it, but your WH has in all probability slept with his coworker on the last trip. He wants to change jobs because he knows he made a mistake. There is only so much playing with fire before one gets burned. When did u schedule the poly for?

I haven't scheduled a polygraph yet. I actually didn't even think of it until today when you guys all suggested it.

Here.
Polygraph Testing

Also this.
Please Explain Gaslighting

Jrodz. That is gaslighting at it finest. We all know that it is NOT gentlemanly to leave your wife with a freshly broken foot behind while aiding another woman who really does not need help. Did she have trunk loads full of heavy inventory for the company? I do not know any business woman who needs help with her luggage. They are all strong independent women.

This struck a chord with me because my own FWH did the same thing when I broke my foot. I was always ten feet behind on my crutches. He also claimed that he was just being friendly because that is who he is. Just a nice guy.

I tried to write it off and ignored my instincts. That was the beginning of a physical affair that lasted a year and almost destroyed my family.

Install spyware. If something is going on, you will find it pretty easily as long as you do not alert him. Be cool and try to get some evidence.

Does he take his phone into the bathroom?

Did Dr. H and Joyce read your email on their radio show last week?