Thank you. I appreciate the update and I also appreciate your courage to tell us how you are deciding against our collective advice to expose to your older teen kids.

I have some more advice you may chose to ignore. I hope not. Here goes.

I strongly advise Plan B. A real one. With an IM.
Continued contact with your abusive WH would be the worst choice you could make. Worse than not telling your children. Continued contact will eat away any protection & peace of mind you are trying to achieve via a separation.

When a woman has been in an abusive M for a long time, she usually has lost all perspective about herself and her own ability to make right decisions. I cannot think of a current BW of the forum who would benefit from Plan B more than you.

You are better than you think you are. His bullcrap has worn you down to a nub. Get rid of ALL his attempts to wear you down, bully you.
Please, I beg you. Plan B. Ask the forum for the "how". Now you know the "why". It is more important than you can imagine. You will brighten up and radiate joy with Plan B. You will think clearly and have insights with Plan B. Without Plan B, your mind/thinking will continue to be coated with grey scum from his contact.


The above quote leads me to one more piece of advice.
Tell the kids you are separating and divorcing WH because "Dad committed adultery". Use those words.

Once you have mental clarity in Plan B, you may realize that your mother's betrayal needs to be revealed.
What are you going to do about big life events? Weddings? Graduations? Funerals?

((( BIG HUG )))

When they find out you have deceived them they will deeply resent you for tricking them. You are denying them the right to make their own determination about their own lives. That is disrespectful to them. And it allows your husband and their grandmother the room to lie to them. They will not appreciate your treatment when they find out what has happened.

Honesty is th solution to infidelity, not more lies. Children are not made happy or secure by believing lies and illusions about their parents.

I strongly urge you to reconsider that bad decision. Lying to children is not something any qualified psychologist would recommend.

Would your children believe she is a "good person" if they knew what a despicable thing she did to thief mother? You are denying them the right to make their own decision and tricking them into pursuing a relationship with a deplorable, sick, evil woman. Since your children do not know what she is really capable of, they are left vulnerable to her evil.

It is my opinion that Plan B will help itsnosuprise *think clearly* and the realization about telling her kids the truth TO PROTECT THEM will come with that clarity.

She's been in an abusive marriage far, far too long. Her OWWM is another abuser.

Definition of abusive:

That is so brutal and I'm so sorry!!!!!!!
You did the right thing by kicking him out.
I can't imagine....

When I was a little girl my parents would have aunts and uncles over on Sat nite to play bridge. I remember one Sat eve my Dad's sisters husband (uncle) came into the living room where my siblings and cousins were watching TV. I was 4 years old. He picked me up and placed me on his lap and fondled me. I sat stiff w/my muscles rigged and did not know what to do or say. I was so scared inside. This was the 50's ---long before the awareness & protections we have today.

Another time while visiting this Aunts home as a kid this uncle ran around the house in a open robe exposing himself. I appreciate now how he was grooming children to make his perversions seem normal.

My father really admired this uncle, his BIL. This uncle was placed in a mental hospital at one point. My Dad took me along with him to visit. It was actually the same hospital One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest was later filmed w/Jack Nicholson. I guess I was brought along because it appeared to my parents my uncle would be cheered up with me along. Boy was I scared. I never told my Dad what was up. It was a creepy haunting place.

Then fast forward several years later. I was pregnant with my son, our second child. My Mom came for a visit. She mentioned how this uncle was coming around to visit my Dad. She also mentioned how his daughter, my cousin was not allowing him to be around her children. With all the awareness and protection concerns for children and my own need as a mother to protect my own children and others, I told my mother about this uncles grooming.

I was shocked with my own mothers response. Its now been 29 years since. But I remember what happened. The first thing she said was: "We can't tell your Dad. I don't know what he would do." She never extended a caring thoughtful response of concern for my welfare. This said it all and has affected my relationship with her today. My Dad had been an alcoholic. He's yet a dry drunk and she worried he'd be set off. No worry about protecting her own children or protecting other children. I knew I had to protect myself from her. She cannot not be trusted with truth. She has not been available to protect her children.

My husband had an affair with my sister. I know how painful the family interconnectedness is. It's tragic. There are lifelong and multi-generational consequences.

Tell your kids the truth. They deserve it. Everyone deserves the truth. Did you deserve the truth? Of course you did.

Stay away from your mother. And keep your kids aways too. Why would you want your children to have anything to do with someone who showed so little care and concern for you ... for them?

How are you doing? What's your relationship like with your siblings?