Yes we have an IM, my cousin, she knows it should only be important information which is really nothing, he has absolutely no reason to speak to me, no valid reason.

Very well I'll change my number.

Great. Please make sure everyone that you give the new # to knows that it is not to be given to WH. If you are unsure that they will be able to do this then don't give it to them. Otherwise, you will have to change the number, again.

I'm gonna be blunt with you.

Until you get out in front of this, understand it and actually embrace it and stop just following instructions, you will have trouble.

You need to understand this Plan.

I will allow that just doing it, following instructions, may actually allow you to start seeing the benefits and finally embrace it. But I more believe that you will never stick to it long enough for that to happen.

You have never bought in.

As I have said before, this isn't the plan B game, the "I'll show him" game, the"see how he likes these apples" game.

Plan B is not a set of instructions, it is a life change.

mmmherb I see what your saying. Yes there is a ever present voice in the back of my head that is always saying I want my marriage, I want my husband.

I see that now that I need to realize that this may not be a affair fog at all but that he is gone and I have to create a new life for myself.

Hard to face you may have lost someone forever.

I can commiserate with you as I did a bad job at Plan B. It is hard. And the withdrawal makes it bad. But it's like quitting smoking. Everytime you say just one drag, etc, the harder it is to quit again. So you gotta be strong from the very get go.

You are making the fundamental mistake:

Think about what you are basically saying. You are saying that continuing to allow him to do what he has been doing is the way to save your marriage. To have a lover, to come and go in and out of your life, to tear you apart is the way. Doesn't really make sense, does it?

If you want things to change, you have to change them. All you can change is you.

The best way to save your marriage is to want to do it if the time comes. Soon you won't.

URGENT:

So I got a call from my cousin our IM this morning. She said that WH stated to her that he doesn't want to be with OW anymore and wants to talk to me about being back home!

We have gone through too many false starts to take another hit in the gut.

I told my cousin under no circumstances would I allow him back in until he is absolutely done with this woman. That he has to leave her first.

But what do I do next. He may decide to stay with her he may not I don't know all I know is I don't want to go through it again. Its this time, the final try. I don't want to make any mistakes I need help from the experts!!

You have a self-care Plan B day.

He's *thinking about* doing the right thing.
Always a false start.


Good for you for not falling for it like you did in the past!

First off...your IM needs to stop sharing everything with you. You need to be detaching and healing yourself while Plan B works (or doesn't work) on the back side.


Your IM (NOT YOU) should respond

"That's great but I'm not forwarding this conversation to princefan until you've actually moved out and ended it with OW for life. Words are cheap. Put your money where you mouth is and then I'll consider bringing Princefan into this discussion.

To reiterate. MOVING OUT AND ENDING YOUR AFFAIR is the first condition of POSSIBLE reconciliation (please reread the letter dated XX/xx/xxxx). TALKING about moving out and ending it is NOT the same thing as doing it.

Let me know when you are actually out"

Good MrW that's sound advice!

I asked the IM to give him the message that my conditions on my letter stand. He would have to end that relationship for life. But he would need to prove that first. Move on his own shows me he is serious about the marriage and the family. And I asked he to not communicate anything further until he has stepped out of that relationship.

You need to make sure the IM takes care of this in the future. She is to be a firewall, protecting you for the flip flopping and stuff.

She is to be a firewall, she is not a message deliverer either way, not a pipeline for him to communicate with you.

She needs to understand that she is to not come to you until she is 100% sure he is 100% committed, demonstrated by his actions, not his words.

Make sure you IM is wearing steel underpants. No leaks.

Oh she's a FIREBALL I will definately make sure to tell her to step up the security measures. She'll get a kick out of it.

Your IM needs more education on his/her job. She/he should read some threads here about being an IM and post any questions they may have. She/he needs to be protecting you from these "emergencies". It's not healthy for you and YOU MATTER TOO.

I think if and when your husband does move out and end it with OW that that is still not the time for you to get directly involved. Your IM should then facilitate condition numbers 2 and 3 (IM is to communicate this AFTER he's moved out and ended it...don't give his wayward mind seemingly overwhelming obstacles to returning home...one step at time...ending it is the only initial concern and objective):


Condition #2. After he's move out...he needs an accountability partner - either the IM or you (via the IM not by direct communication) need to be given all access and passwords to any electronic devices (cell phones, emails, cell phone bills, a remote computer keylogger program) such that he can demonstrate that he's not only moved out but he's also not contacting the OW at all. [his willingness alone to do this is a step in the right direction...any hesitancy or demands for privacy is an indication the affair isn't really over). Every evening he should email the accountability partner and give an update with regards to contact. One day a time recovery (he's likely familiar with this)

Condition #3. He's in a substance abuse recovery program (12 step or other program) and has a male sponsor willing to assist the IM with objectively evaluating the veracity of WH's sobriety (from all addictions). IM should have a sit down with WH and his sponsor and develop a plan for first bringing you, princefan, into the conversation and meetings (say after one month of continued and verified sobriety as well as continued "No Contact"). Then once it's IM, Sponsor, WH and You involved conversations begin about dating, him reading and learning the MB infidelity recovery plan and him moving back home. I'm not a fan of waiting too long. 6 months would be ridiculous (and never something you want to give as a condition upfront because it'll seem insurmountable to a wayward). If you (and he) are serious about recovery you've got to do it together...living together as husband and wife. Goalposts are nice markers but true repentance is rather easy to spot and your IM needs to be objective and help you evaluate when the timing is right. Hopefully after about 2 months of sobriety (including a month or so of your direct contact...dating, talking and discussing the MB recovery plan and, of course, continued NO CONTACT he'll be ready to come back home and work on Condition 4 (working the MB infidelity recovery program with you for ONE YEAR MINIMUM...including 15 scheduled hours a week together, extraordinary precautions (against contact with OW AND addictive substances of any kind). Personally, I'd like to see the two of you working together...this guy doesn't sound like he can handle himself alone out there in the real world. He can't be trusted out of your sight..so the best recovery would be him staying within your sight.

Also... I want you to be careful who you seek advice from and listen to during this period. One of the reasons Plan B works is it makes your husband rely on OW to meet all his needs. It drives him nuts that he can't talk and see you at will anymore. It's essentially a withdrawal effect from his relationship with you. Problem is...YOU are going through withdrawal too. This is a healthy process for you....helping you detach from your WH so as to preserve any remaining feelings you have for him should he end it and want to reconcile OR so you can get on with your life without him under the presumption he may never return. However, YOUR withdrawal will play tricks on you. Your brain is going to try to find excuses, rationalizations and justifications to reconnect with him for just one more conversation or meeting. You'll tell yourself (and us) you just had "no choice". Your brain is going to want your IM to tell you everything going on with WH and OW. You may even search the internet or other forums for persons (usually divorced or just stupid) that will encourage you to chuck Dr. Harley's ideas and concepts in the ditch and do whatever you want or feel is necessary or important. Don't allow their failure to cloud your judgement. You must think RATIONALLY and use your intelligence to override your [temporary] feelings. Feeling lie [your WH being exhibit A of that fact]. Finally family is often the worst place to get objective advice as they only see your pain (or their own pain) and will encourage you simply to get away from the pain and give up or worse do what THEY want you to do and not what's best for you to do.

The beauty of following Dr. Harley's concepts strictly is that in the end you'll be OK either way. WH will either wake up and do what he can to get you back or not...while you'll be healing on your own ready to either recover or continue on with your life (with an initial period of recovery already behind you). Modified Plan B won't help you or your husband at all. I think your chances for recovery are quite slim considering the number of addiction problems your husband faces....every time you screw up Plan B makes those odds slimmer and slimmer....so STOP IT. Plan B and start living YOUR LIFE (as hard as that seems today) and see what happens.


Godspeed,

Mr. W

Mr M that is perfect. I'm printing this out and really studying it!