Well, I can't listen to the second verse msyelf...

You may be right about guilt... I'm not sure if that's a bad thing or not.


Mmmm... maybe skip the first.

honestly

now is not the time for manipulation.

Just be the light. no tricks. No overwhelming.

This may hurt, but remember: she is grieving now, and it ain't over you. That's what withdrawal is.

Be the light, no games.

Dang it, she is planning on moving out Tuesday. She is trying to take my youngest daughter, 16, with her.

I still have a few days, but we work each day until Tuesday.

When do I tell her what she can and can't have?

She says it is not about the OM, she just needs to prove she can make it on her own--I know, save the watches the BS is getting deep quick. She will move into the casita next to her cheating friend.

All advice welcome at this point.

Will the 16 year old go with her?


Whenever she brings it up.


Is the cheating friend leaving her husband too?

You may be right about guilt... I'm not sure if that's a bad thing or not.

When in doubt, amigos, resort to consulting the principles!

Unless WW in this case has a decidedly weird EN for "guilt" how could MTW justify botching his Plan A with this tear-jerker?

As for the question of "humor" - Dude, your goal is to be the best MTW you can be. You want her to see, maybe for the first time in YEARS, the prize she has (and dare not throw away) in YOU. If humor promotes that persona, indulge! You've done maybe the hardest, yet certainly most effective, thing - you have FOUGHT for her. Now crank up the rest of the package - Look sharp, smell good, cook well(!), be positive. NO EFF'ING CRYING!

Plan A is based on a clear either/or proposition. She either gets the marvel that is the revealed MTW, or she experiences sharing digs with a potential lesbian sweetie, on foot, in greatly reduced economic circumstances.

When she brings up division of property, just mention that you have been advised not to divide anything at this point. Any division of property or custody issues will have to be decided in court. Tell her you don't want to get involved in all that yukky legal stuff.

I am out of my element now.

I think you should tell her you wish she wouldn't go.

But remember, you aren't going to convince her by words, only actions.

Begging, pleading, and hounding are not actions that will have the desired result.

Strong, calm firm love will.

The time really gets compressed in these things. It has only been a few days, so years worth of issues just don't disappear immediately.

Here's where the strength comes in. You know where to get it from.

All you control is you.

Good words, thanks.

The 16 year old told her heck no, she will not go. WW mentioned the loneliness. The OM works 11-12 hour days.

As for humor, at times WW has complained that I am no fun--too straight laced with the religion and all--then she complains that I am not sincere enough when edifying her too--like I say it with too much humor.

Went on a long walk with her just now--she was in the talking mood. Talks openly of the internal struggle, how wrong it is, but how much she loves him and cannot turn it off. I keep reminding her I am asking for a chance to start a new marriage--not go back.

I asked he if she has been in contact with the the OM. She says she has sent several emails (since the exposure on 04/08)from her work computer but that HE WILL NOT REPLY. She acknowledge how depressed she is. She says he is scared I will go berserk--says I am the 'silent crazy killer type.' I do appreciate that. None the less, I think she figures if she moves out he will start talking to her again--and she is dying for that.

I need to keep the pressure on the OM I think. Is it advisable to have my dad call the OM, his parents, or his work?

Other ideas on keeping some pressure on the OM?

Thanks again, you all are stabilizing my heart more than you know.

I feel that so many of you have been though/are going through such pain and suffering, I am humbled and blessed that you still give, still help, shoulder some of mine for me--THANK YOU.

I think I hear remnants of a retired Marine??? I'm on it, but the cooking thing is a challenge.

If you can handel profanity, I recommend this site. Everything is spelled out pretty simply.

http://www.cookingcomically.com/

MTW,

I have followed your thread and you are have been getting great advice and you are doing really well.

I have one observation to add because I am concerned about how often your WW is bringing up possible violence, guns, controlling ways etc.

I have. A fear that your WW is trying to set you up to look like an unhinged BH so she can justify her actions and maybe use it against you at some point if you divorce.

Please be wary and invest in a VAR that you keep on you at all times when talking to your WW. This is a necessary step to protect yourself against future allegations she may bring against you. It's really wise to be extra safe when dealing with comments like the ones she is making .

Your WW is in a fog and she is not to be trusted so please be safe.

Caught her texting under the covers at 1:30 am. It was the OM. Lots of stuff about how much they love and miss each other. How am I supposed to respond to this when I catch them?

He is scared to continue but willing. Says I will sue his Co. and he will get fired. I told WW I was considering that--she went beserk again and stormed down to sleep on couch. Should I move ahead with such an endeavor, or just let their fears run wild?

MTW,

Tell your wife that her texting the OM in front of you is disrespectful. Tell her to take it outside your home.

WW is angry right now that you are interfering with the affiar. What legal recourse might you have with the company? If you don't have any, I would still let their "fears run wild".

Please heed the previous advice about getting a VAR to record your conversations. There are many WW's who have made unfounded abuse accusations.

AM

I have the VARs one for the car and 1 for me--just not used to having it handy at any moment. Do you try to hide the personal VAR?

She is maddest yet. New record for F bombs from the pastor's wife for sure.

She woke up ranting. She said if I will not file suit then she will not leave. "Just leave him the hell alone!" Not sure what to make of that??? She cannot make good on that promise, she will just get sneakier...right?

MTW,

FWIW: after I exposed, my W said similar things to me..."leave POS alone"...."POS didn't do this, I did..."..."this is between us, NOT POSOM..."

(I putzed for @ 4 months before I exposed).

In her anger after exposure, she even said to ME: "...well, you better watch your back now...".!!! "Defending the POSOM over ME...are you kiddin' me???

It's the fog of withdrawal, of the reality that the fantasy is being destroyed, ending...and WS's will delay, delay, delay with outward explosions for doing what they KNOW they must do eventually: look INWARD and face what they've done.

Now, 2 years after....my W has thanked me for exposing and killing the A, and even (not angrily) stated: "I wish you hadn't waited so long to do it."

HUGE fissure in the warm-fuzzy-adultery-fantasy-life.

This is a HUGE insight into her needs!!!!
Use this to your advantage to work the *carrot* of Plan A. Your wife has conversation high on her EN list. I know she will resist, but do your best to get her to talk. You can just listen.

Your wife is actually reaching out to you ..... "I want more fun", "I need more laughs", "I want to share my feelings", etc.

This is an opening to work the MB with her (without her knowing) ...

"WW, remember when you shared how crazy you think I might become? Violent even? Well, I want to thank you for sharing with me honestly. I am crazy. I am crazy that I did not meet your needs during our marriage. I am crazy that I was not more affectionate, more communicative, and more empathetic. This experienced has humbled me and opened my eyes to my failings. Everyone fails sometime in their life. Everyone eventually will require the grace of forgiveness, sometime in life. I am praying that you will be open to forgiving me someday. Not now. Someday. Our marriage deserves another chance. We have too much beauty and love available right here, at our fingertips to just give up without fighting for our family. We've always taught our kids to try their best, even when things are difficult. You and I need to show (name each child) that we will try our BEST to save this family, our marriage, our love for each other. I know I can do better. You are worth fighting for, but I am not going to become violent. Ours is more of a spiritual fight. So, thanks for being honest. I'm here to listen anytime."

Something like that ......

I am developing a great *like* for your wife. I appreciate her enthusiasm.

She had dreams. Later in the day ask if she's been having disturbing dreams. You can say something like:

"I noticed your sleep is so very restless and it seems like your dreams are bad. I'm so sorry for this. Maybe I can fix you some warm milk before bed tonight?"



Oo-la-la-la MrTurdo thinks you are going to file a complaint with his workplace to get his butt fired !!!!! That also means they are communicating somehow.

Never speak to WW about the behind-the-scenes *gentle nudging* you are providing for OM. Feign innocence. Change the subject.

OM is in HOT water from the higher-ups.
He has breached some work place rules.

In other words, WW is saying:

If you file a sexual harassment complaint against OM, I will leave.

Blackmail.

(this is entirely my opinion and I could be wrong ....)

...I could be wrong....

(I'm archiving this for someday when I will remind you of this, Pep!)

But in this matter, you are spot on. And blackmail is the most insidious form of control possible. Giving in on this will NOT keep her in the marriage; at best it will postpone her getting with POSOM until after the heat he feels blows over.

The way to prevent that is to TURN UP the heat, and burn off the undergrowth that he's scurried beneath.

Lawyer up, friend, and torch that sucker!

This is very encouraging--needed to hear it--thanks for sharing, thanks.