What-ev-ah. Duck you suck'a.

She is starting to snoop on my computer to see what emails I am sending to who. She seems very worried that I will secretly pursue action against the OM.

I texted the OM last night as soon as I caught them txting and respectfully asked him to stop and let us work thing out for our family. I re-emphasized that i was not going away and would win the fight for her eventually.

I think I'll change my username in case she finds this site.

I did find texts to her friend with a solid plan to move on Tuesday--I don't think it was idle talk.

I checked her iphone thoroughly last night. She has 36 pics of her and OM and pics of fav txt msgs in a Photo Vault. I emailed the password, opened them, and emailed me a bunch--in case needed some day. Nothing dirty (I Have no illusions about what they do, just saying they are not taking dirty pics and sexting...yet), just together in his truck and lovey dovey txts.

The argument with her cussing and yelling at me to let her go and me saying I'd like to work on the marriage and save the family will be on the car VAR at this point, so I am starting to gather evidence I guess.

Did you go to the school yet?

Send emails that compliment your wife's beauty, intelligence, etc to a few people. Then, change passwords to lock your 'puter..
Keep her off your computer.
Now is not the time for O&H as you work Plan A and prepare Plan B.

YES .... change your user name to something banal. Something so much like other user names .... Hurt2 or SoLostNow ....

I have read and reread Pepper--thanks. I am not too far off already, but there are good parts I can add.

Here's the thing though. I tried the whole "I won't be violent" thing the 1st 5 weeks. Each time I assured her I would not be violent she would go see him. So now I just avoid the issue--do not say either way. Fear ain't the best, but it is a motivator.

Left a message, administration was unavailable that day.

You found their achilles heel, dude!! Go for the jugular. Go consult an attorney about bringing a lawsuit against the OM's company for their part in the ruination of your marriage. Tell her today you are seeing an attorney next week to file a lawsuit against the OM company. Do you have alienation of affection in your state? Go for that too!! It costs nothing to have a consult but you can get some good legal information to pass onto your wife that she will pass onto the OM. Tell her things that scare the hell out of him.

And yes, you and your dad should call on OM's parents. CAn you go VISIT them today with your 16 year old daughter? Ask them to persuade their scummy son to leave your wife alone.

And most of all, tell your wife she is to NEVER EVER contact the OM in you and your daughters home again. How disrespectful!@ Say that in front of your DD, too. She will have to LEAVE your house to contact her "ADULTERY PARTNER." And be sure and refer to him as her "adultery partner."

OK

Here is the message you should send to rat boy:

This was to told to me somewhere by MelodyLane back in the day. I can't find it but I remember it because it woke me up.

I was still under the delusion that somehow my actions towards her affair would affect what she did. Mel told me basically,

"Herb, you don't want to hear this, but if she and OM shack up, it will likely be the best thing to end the affair."

See, then the fantasy becomes reality. She lives with the fact that her daughter is disgusted with her and doesn't want to be around. She sees that OM is really just another Dumb [censored] man that stinks up the bathroom and leaves stuff laying around, and tries to tell her what to do. The reality is awful.

Not saying I think her leaving is good. I am saying to remember what I have been saying. You only control you.

Her decision will come when the affair is over. As long as you have used the means you have to expose it and put the full pressure on it, then there is not really anything you can do except what you make of you.

But you really need to start deciding what you should do. You are doing a stellar plan A. This is exacting a large toll on you. At some point, you will have to stop it if she continues the affair. When that point is, you have to decide.

Continue Plan A, you can as long as you want, but don't go too long if you want to reconcile.

Plan B if you want. You will start to think clearly, if nothing else.

If the worst plays out in the next few days, no one would blame you if you decided you'd had enough. Plan D is an option, morally and otherwise. I will say this, it is good to be the one setting the timetable and driving the train in a D, even if you hope to eventually reconcile.

You have to be the one to decide where you are. Our, well my advice, is limited to what the plans are. You have to decide the path.

Alienation of affections was first codified as a tort by the New York state legislature in 1864, and similar legislation existed in many U.S. states in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Since 1935, this tort has been abolished in 42 states, including New York.[1] Alienation is, however, still recognized in Hawaii, Illinois, North Carolina, Mississippi, New Mexico, South Dakota, and Utah.[citation needed]" here

So you are saying press the issue? Not sure if I even have anything legit. I think as soon as I do, he will whine to her, then she will leave.

Her leaving is kind of a good thing about now though right??? How concerned should I be about that?

I was thinking I'd just wait until she slips up again, then say, ok I am moving forward with the suit--you have left me no choice.

And we are sure that a light whupping is never a good idea? Seriously, some guys think a little whupping would really scare him off.

You'll get arrested.
WW will slap you with an "order of protection" to stay away from her.
You will need to move out.
WW will be living in your house inviting OM over for dinner & to meet the kids.
You will incur a lot of legal fees.

Sound good?

I don't remember what his position is, but if the is even a hint of a reason that a lawsuit would be legitimate I would see a lawyer. The lawyer may laugh you out of his office, but only you will know that.They will know "He has seen a lawyer to discuss a lawsuit."

You still are hung up on the notion that preventing her from leaving is the goal. You won't prevent jack. She controls what she does.

You goal is to be the light, to fight the affair, be the moral, loving, firm and strong man that leads you and your daughter out of this mess. Your wife will have to decide to come along.

Thanks Herb. This is what i am thinking too. Just let her go and have the dang thing fall apart...but there are fears.

Thing is, I kind of feel like a quitter by promulgating plan B without giving plan A 6 months???

Let's say I turn the heat up on the OM all I can. WW leaves. Am I in Plan B at that point or is there still a period of comms. even while apart? When I read the book, I though when they leave, it is slid Plan B.

I am open to advice and clarification here.

Tell her that you are not only going to pursue a lawsuit, but you are exploring alienation of affection. Then go visit his parents today with your dad and your daughter. Tell her you will sue his company to the moon and will only let up if he stays away. You have all the leverage here, HE HAS NONE!!


Believe it or not, leaving will kill this affair FASTER. So don't worry about that. I don't think she really will leave, but if she does, the affair will crumble faster.


You need to move this forward NOW or she won't take you seriously.


Hell no! He deserves it but you don't want to end up in jail and then the OM can move into your home!!

I have a list of eager volunteers to handle it for me...but I guess i do not want jail for any of them either. I figured it was out of the question.

You need to be in Plan A for a long time. Don't even worry about Plan B for now. For now, you stay in there and compete with ratboy. All the odds are on you and let me explain why. 95% of affairs crumble within 2 years because the very traits that make them possible, thoughtlessness, selfishness, deceit eventually make their way into the affair and destroy it. Just think, 2 people who have no respect for vows are getting together. At the first sign of trouble it will go down in flames fast. On the other hand, 65% of marriages that experience affairs reconcile. So the odds are you. You are competing against a fantasy that will crumble under the light of reality. You can win this.

Here is where mine and your stories are different enough that I feel a little shaky in advising you. But, I don't think Plan B necessarily has to be immediate. But I think, for me anyway, that the hurt and giant cuts that the situation would make in me would likely make it a necessity pretty soon.

Understand what it is. It is not a tactic to make her change, to save the marriage. It is to save you, your health and state of mind, allowing to slow down the draining of the love you are feeling, extending it as long as possible.

I posted this just the other day on a different thread, I am going to quote it here to save typing, a torturous endeavor for me.

Mel has been at this a lot longer than I. Heed her advice.