I have been married nearly around 3 years now. My husband is a loving and supporting person. My only issue is with him is that he does not work. He hasn't been since we have got married. He has a pharmacy degree. Since our marriage, he worked in a pharmacy as a part time. and the rest of the days just laying on the couch doing nothing. He does support the house financially and tries that I don't spend most of my money on the house. But the problem is that he works 1 day and 10 days rest. He does not want to work as a pharmacy and now he wants to work as a teacher, but every time he gets a job he comes up with an excuss. I really don't know what to do. I don't wanna leave him as this will destroy him. What can I do to help him get of his back and go to work and work as a man?????

When I was in high school and earlier in college I was pretty busy all the time either with school or work. After my husband and I got married I didn't have school for a while and couldn't get a job because I didn't have a degree yet, was pregnant, and was expecting to move a lot (he was in the military). I basically lost my momentum. Got really depressed. Lost a lot of energy.

Sometimes it can be hard to tell when someone is depressed because some depressed people will joke around and act happy a lot because they want to hide it (many comedians are clinically depressed).

Once you get depressed you lose motivation. And it is very difficult to motivate a depressed person. (When I was at my worst depression, I barely even was motivated to eat, which just made it worse). Depression has a very bad effect on marriage because one spouse loses motivation to do much, the other feels neglected, and the cycle begins.

If he is only working 1 day, then he needs to have other commitments each day. If you could get him doing SOMETHING (together if possible), it might be enough to help get him out of this rut.

Honestly, don't let it keep going. Obviously it upsets you. And you know, my grandfather lost his job right before I was born and now he is an alcoholic (which happens oftentimes when a person becomes depressed) and hasn't had a job in over two decades. Their marriage ended up being destroyed by affairs and neither meeting each other's needs and now they think they're too old to try and live in withdraw, sleeping separately, for as long as I can literally remember. Both of them are in poor health now - not from age, but just unhappiness (they're only in their mid-50's, but have numerous health problems).

Many people who are stuck in a depressed rut don't even realize it and changing is uncomfortable. So you work on meeting each other's needs and get him in to a new routine that is enjoyable - at least eventually.

Thank you for ur reply. I am trying to support him as I can and help him to get over this depression. He says that he is depressed b/c he is not working. Its getting to a point that my parents are starting to hate him and want me to divorce him. I work as a teacher and Im also doing a degree this year. He is so supportive. I thought this might help him to get up and find a proper job, but this done nothing. He has started to give private lesson as does wat he wants to be. Hes interested in teaching now. My mum got him an interview and he went really late and my mum had a big fight with him.
Do I threaten him that if he doesn't get a job a will leave him? will that be a good idea?

Financial support is an important emotional need for women. I personally feel it is our female equivalent of the male's need for physical attractiveness - a need that the opposite sex tends to dismiss as shallow. MB takes the stance that it is critical to acknowledge and respect this need of our spouse.

Here is an article to start with:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html

No, do not threaten that you will leave him if he does not get a job. Men DO need to understand that when they neglect a wife's important emotional need (financial support) that thier wife may leave them, but there are other ways to communicate this, by working together rather than making threats.

Have you considered contacting the Harleys? What about coaching? Have you sat down with him and done an emotional needs questionaire? He (and you) need to learn about the love bank (because yours is negative) and basic concepts.

I have talked with him loads of time not just me my family and his family. He keeps on promising me that he will start to work but nothing has happened for 3 years all I get is promises. Its not like he is not supporting me financially. He always gets me what I want he pays for the food most of the time. Its not like he is lacking with the financials. But him just laying round all day and me getting up early working hard is annoying me and my family. I don't know of what to do for the next step. I keep on saying I will give him a chance to get his life sorted. Hes always depressed and that's effecting him to work and to enjoy life.

I understand it is frustrating for you but if you are looking Marriage Builders methods to help, then the solution is not to throw out an ultimatum of divorce. That's not the MB way of helping a marriage.

Start with the Love Bank
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html

And the Basic Concepts
http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=pop4

Wait. Is he working or not. You said he'd work one day and then take 10 days off and that he's supporting you.

It seems he makes enough money in that 1 day to support their lifestyle.

So, is your problem that he is not working enough to make more money (ie. he is capable of providing much higher financial income to the marriage then he currently does), or is your problem that he is at home while you are working, and you are fine with the current income???

I am at home full-time (despite being capable of earning about $60k) and my husband works full-time. This arrangement would not be suitable for most, but it is for us, because of POJA - an arrangement we are both enthusiastic about.

It seems he is telling you what you want to hear, rather than being radically honest with you. Obviously he doesn't actually want to be a teacher and that won't solve anything, if he didn't care about this interview. Getting him a teaching job is not the solution. Threatening him to get a job is not the solution.

Has he actually been diagnosed wtih depression or is this speculation?

Why Women Leave Men
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html

Well he doesn't earn a lot in that 1 day. It could just get us through a week just food. since we have been married we haven't have the money to go out or travel with each other.

If he works more hours and days he could get more money. Also, him staying at home all day and I am the one who is working all day long is really annoying. His the man hes the one who is supposed to be working more. Also till now we haven't had any children as we, will him cant support them financially.

He was the one who said that he wants to change his career and work as a teacher. He really doesn't know what he wants. He is always lost.

Some days his depression reaches to a point that he takes anti-depression tablets, or smokes hash

Anti-D's do not work unless taken consistently on a daily basis.
Are you certain you are talking about depression medication?
Please look at the bottle and tell us the name of the RX.
It sounds to me like you might be talking about medication for anxiety, like Xanax.


How many days a week?

he doesn't take it anymore but I recon its for anxiety. and for the hash hes on and off. He could smoke it for a whole month and then stops for a couple of months then back to get.

FYI .... "recon" is an abbreviation for reconnaissance (military observation of the enemy)

Smoking hash is very de-motivating. Much easier to lazily lay around high than be out in the world.

Do you smoke hash with him? At all?

Translation:

H is not working because he is getting high.
H is depressed because he is getting high.
H would rather get high than get up off the couch and work.
H is lazy.


Your mum put more effort into that interview than your H did. No wonder she was angry.


You need to be serious and never make statements that you are not going to back up with your actions.

I think it is time to set a boundary. This is different than a "threat".
A boundary is you being firm and knowing your next step.
A threat is all wind and bluster.

Suggestion:

"I am not happy that you are not working. I am not happy that you lay on the couch getting high. I am quickly falling out of love with you. I have decided that if you are not employed full time within the next 4 weeks, and you stop smoking hash immediately, I will file to end our marriage. It is your decision to make whether or not you work. It is my decision to make whether or not I tolerate this situation. 4 weeks. No more hash. Not negotiable."


Your H is the sort of guy if you give him an inch, he'll take a mile.

"If you give a mouse a cookie" <~~~~ Have you read that book?

And, chances are he will tell you in 4 weeks that he "almost" has a job.
Not good enough.
Go file for a divorce.
A divorce takes time.
He'd have time to prove he is serious.
You need to prove that you too are serious.

H will say : "4 weeks isn't long enough."

You respond: "3 years and 4 weeks is plenty long enough."

A pharmacist who rarely works, sits at home, yet improperly uses prescribed (?) medication and hash (prescribed?). I would strongly suspect his drug usage is much worse than he leads you to believe, much of which is easy to hide (secret second life) because you are working. I would start investigating this further (in addition of course to Pepperband's great advice).

There is other protocal for those who subject their spouse to addiction.