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I was distracted with additional court requirements. However, I've thought about this a lot and as much as I'd like to see my family stay together I think the damage done in court, along with her long history of cheating (at least 6 As that I am aware of over our 19 years including one with her divorce attorney), and the addiction issues and her complete refusal to acknowledge or take any responsibility for any of it, is just too much for me to take. The damage done at and post court has been overwhelming. She is extremely angry and vindictive and hurtful due to the issues I raised at court. I told the truth. But she doesn't like to hear the truth and, quite honestly, doesn't believe it to be true. Her reality is completely different than mine. I just don't think I have any interest in continuing to hope for and work for reconciliation anymore at this point. In addition, given her addiction issues, there was no way I was going to voluntarily move out if it meant she would be alone at night with the kids.

I am interested in how people have accomplished plan B for their own health and recovery after the D and court ordered separation. How does this work with kids? Do you still write a letter explaining your boundaries for communication and why? How does this work? I'm interested because I honestly don't believe I will become healthy while still interacting with her. She constantly tries to provoke me into arguments. I've become fairly adept at not responding but it's tiresome.

Been wondering about you SBT.
I give you a lot of credit for making every human effort possible to stay in the situation and protect your kids. And also for not running around or away from the truth. WS's (and liars) have a way of turning everyone around them into liars; the truth to them is putty in their hands, they mix it around, turn it into something it's not and then hand it to us and expect us to accept it.

I believe you have grown a lot through this process, SBT. I hope you will continue to use MB philosophy to develop as a parent and a person. You will find strength you didn't know possible, and most likely contentment you didn't know existed.

Plan B will be a walk in the park after what you've been though.

opt

You can find a intermediary for facts about children/finances.

You can write a plan B letter and leave out the part about a plan to reconcile. It can tell her how to comminicate with you about important matters via the intermediary.

Make sure to be in communication with the childrens' schools, health practitioners, etc so that you know what and when things are happening or to attend to things.

Then, you ignore all attempts to reach you without the intermediary.

If you do run into her.......be civil (no lovebusting) and tell her you would appreciate she respect your boundaries and to communicate via the intermediary.

And be a good Dad and just keep focusing on providing safety and joy to your children and to yourself.

Easier said than done. The intermediary will be easier but avoiding the face to face will be the challenge. We have four minor kids who are very active. We will be "bumping into" each other most evenings or weekends for hours at a time.

Then you must find ways NOT to bump into each other, or you will not have a Plan B. It really sounds like you need it.

Read about Parallel parenting in the notable posts thread

The parallel parenting thread is in here also.
How to Plan B Correctly

You will have to get creative. I don't know what kinds of events we're talking about here, but I bet you could come up with some very air-tight ways to limit the chance encounters if you try. Including simply not attending. I know it sounds crazy, but it's not as crazy as the crazy you've been living with for how many years.
And it doesn't have to be forever, but I would definitely shoot for the extreme for at least 6 months.

And I wouldn't hesitate to explain your mentality to the kids. It's the truth: you need some space from their mother. This will actually teach them some important lessons about boundaries and protecting yourself- you don't remain "friends" with those who hurt you.

You may consider starting a thread on the SAA board to help you with Plan B. There are some real experts there who can give you some great guidance. There are some good threads to give you a better understanding of the concept as well. Remember, it's not a punishment for the wayward. It's to get you away from the drama so you can focus on healing yourself and moving forward with your life.

I think you should definitely write a Plan B letter. The reason is because I think your stbx is manipulative and will turn the whole thing around on you. If you have a written document explaining your intentions, at least you can rest assured that you have made an attempt to help her understand. If she chooses not to accept it, that's her perogative.

A sample Plan B letter can be found on these boards. If you write a draft, we can help you refine it.

opt

The events are kids sporting events. If I don't attend I'm sure it will be twisted by her into an example of me not caring for the kids - which she will openly say to the kids. I can deal with that, however, as long as it's not permanent.

I realize this is for my benefit, therefore, also for the benefit of the kids. However, I find it interesting that she seems to believe we will be friends post divorce. I have no interest in being her friend after all she has done to me and the family.

I'll work on a draft of a plan B letter and post it for feedback.

Plan B sample letters and IM thread and all related Plan B is in the thread I posted to you.

Also this.
Important/Special Events in Plan B

Well I failed to control my emotions last night. She was "out with friends" until late. I asked if it was "boyfriends". She wouldn't answer. I asked why she couldn't wait until after the D was finished then said sarcastically, "well I guess you didn't wait before the D either". I ended up saying "I married a whore".

I later apologized.

This is disappointing to me because she had accused me through these entire last couple years of belittling and berating her. Up until now I took pride in the fact that I absolutely knew that wasn't true. Last night I gave her what she wanted. An actual instance of me being mean. This was all done very quietly...no yelling...but the words were still there.

I'm disappointed with myself for failing to control my emotions. Also disappointed that, albeit for only a brief time, I was exactly who she claims I am.

Ugh.

Well at least you didn't lie.
Your wife is playing the role of a whore

Yeah you didnt lie but you walked right into her trap. My WW has been trying for weeks to get me to show the temper shes been telling everyone i have. For one i dont have a temper. Theres only maybe 3 times in 13 years ive gotten mad at her. Last night she almost got me to that point, told me that this isnt her fault she moved out and in with another guy. That i need to take along, and i mean long look in the mirror as to why she left. I guess i wasnt ever allowed to question the money she was hiding, the many other bf's she had that i couldnt prove that people are telling me about now or all the hours she was "working" but not getting paid for.

I had faults like anyone but when i wanted to work on things and she only ever told me i treated her like an inconvenience the last year or so hard to fix anything.

I agree with the others. There is at least a grain of truth in your statement. Except that she presumably wasn't a whore when you married her...
However, from an MB perspective, you have a severe disrespectful judgement here, and possibly an AO. I would also say a missed opportunity to have expressed your feelings in a way that might have had more of a positive outcome. Remember, it's important for spouses to be able to complain to each other, in respectful ways.

Don't get me wrong though, from what you've been through I believe Mother Theresa might have lost her cool in that situation. I also believe your taker is at long last taking charge -- possibly due to the resolution you have come to in your mind about finally giving up the fight for the marriage.

What did she mean by "you didn't wait before the D either"? And what has transpired in the last couple of days?
And importantly: what was the nature of your apology?? I hope it was just for the DJ and not capitualating on her doing anything untoward - she has plenty to be sorry for as well.[I wish she would come here, I'd love to hear her side of the story - I know my ex became retrospectively very aware of how stupid she had been acting...several months too late]

What is the timeline on implementing Plan B? -- is there a date for the court-ordered separation? Can you teach the kids about abusive/irresponsible behavior to look for when you are not there to protect them? Do they know they have a choice as to who they want to live with?

opt

As soon as your kids are old enough, have them join AlaTeen

So I'm working on the plan b details and ran across this. It is highly likely the court will order our communication to go through an application called Our Family Wizzard. You can google it.

I'm wondering if plan b is possible with something like that. Or if anyone has any experience with it.

It is a very common order now and fits in perfect with parallel parenting plans.
It is NOT direct communication.
It fits in fine with plan B

Can it replace the IM?