My husband had and affair that I discovered Nov 5 2010. It was and emotional affair that had been going on for 4yrs. without my knowledge. He had also previously had a brief emotional affair 25yrs. ago (within the first year of our marriage). At that time we had never heard of emotional affairs so sadly it got swept under the carpet. Not seen but also not forgotten. With this second affair we went in eyes wide open. If we were going to reconcile it was going to be done with no stone unturned and everything put on the table.

We along with going to counselling (on and off) have been using Dr. Harley's program to help us in our recovery. As far as the affair goes, things have been going well but my husbands family will not observe the boundaries that we have set to help us in our recovery. All the members of his family have also had affairs (2 brothers, 1 sister and his father). His sister is the person that we are having the most opposition from. I know from everything I've read and through counselling that if these people can't respect us for what we're trying to do I know that we should take a step back from them until they can respect our relationship. She has become a constant source of stress for us. She uses all the tricks, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements etc. to get what she wants when it comes to family gatherings and intruding with her opinions. The trouble is that even though my husband realizes that this situation is the greatest barrier facing our recovery and future happiness he will not take a stand with her (we make excuses for the people we love) and in fact his protection is being extended to her instead of "us". It's gotten to a critical point for me. It's a shame to think that as far as the affair we can almost see the light but at this point I'm not sure that we're going to make it and it's all on account of someone who can't deal with her own demons.
Please, any thoughts are welcome.

Welcome to MB.

Please hit Notify and ask the MODS to move your thread to SAA.

Also please read all the links in here. Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Who was the OW? Was she married?

Have you affair proofed your marriage?

Who did you expose to?

Absolutely, family issues should be poja'd and if your family is intruding in your marriage it is time to back away.

But I don't understand what the sister is doing. What is she doing. When you say they will not observe boundaries, what does that mean? If it bothers you, it bothers you, but I don't understand what they are doing.

Is his sister suggesting that you should stay friends with OW or her family in some way? Perhaps OW is a friend of hers?

Mustangs,

You never recovered, and your WH never learned.

You need to expose this affair to everyone, 4 years is a huge affair.

There is a very good chance both of these affairs were physical, this dishonest family culture of his has to end. Let me guess when his family gets caught they get mad at the exposer not themselves.

God Bless
Gamma

For example: my sister in law invited 16 people to our house for Xmas 2012 without asking us about it. When we told her we weren't up to this get together she phoned my spouse blasting him. I hate to say it, but it was textbook Love busting. Everything from selfish demands to judgements to anger and finally crying. She and my spouses brother also went behind our backs texting our 15yr old son trying to enlist him in convincing us to have all these people over.

Last weekend we met with her and her husband because for us this stress has been hovering over our heads since the holidays. We had hoped to be able to straighten things out and instead we (me) were met with so much venom it was almost unreal.

She told us to our face that we have no right upsetting the balance of the family, we should be over the affair by now. (She swept her affair under the carpet and feels that, that is the right way to handle it). She has also made it very clear to me that she blames me for our state and "why is everything about you".

The trouble is that on top of all the issues we have to deal with my spouse has never been able to stand up to her and for many years instead of standing his ground, he threw me under the bus in order to save himself from looking bad.

We are now both at our breaking point. All the progress that we had made is now in danger of disappearing. I can see the change in him, where he was starting to see that I'm the person that should be standing beside him, he is now distancing himself from me. He came home Friday night and did not move off the couch except for eating (separately from myself and our son). It is now Sunday night he went to bed at nine and I know he will be up and out of the house tomorrow as soon as he can. The trouble is that after 25yrs together she is the person with the key to our front door and I am the person on the outside looking in.

The family does not know the other woman. He works with her. They teach together at the same high school. The school our son attends. So as you can imagine that's another whole stress.

So his affair is still on.

I'm sorry, but the affair is the first issue that needs to be dealt with.

He needs to quit that job. Every day he sees her is keeping the affair alive.

Is she married? Does your son know about the affair?

The affair was brought to light. He and I actually did tell his family. Because they've all had affairs the issue was met with absolute anger. The thing is, his family is made up of people that feel a huge sense of entitlement. She has a lot of unresolved resentments in her life and for some reason I think her blaming us (me) somehow takes away from her looking at her own actions over the years. Her own affair was never resolved, only swept under the carpet. She has at best a very shaky relationship with her daughter and a distant relationship to her son. She is always inflicting herself into the business of other family member under the guise of being helpful but actually it's because she needs to control.

Did you see this?


Recovery After an Affair

You are continuing to focus on his family, specifically his sister, when the horrendous problem that you have right now is that your H still works with his OW and therefore is still in the affair.

Your marriage is on life support because of this affair, and nothing has been done to end the affair. Your marriage will end if the affair does not end (unless you consent to being in an open marriage).

Please stop focusing on the sister for the moment and tell us about this affair. What makes you call it an an EA? Is that what your H told you? What have you found out about what they did together? Did they spend lunchtimes together, or go for drinks? Did they attend conferences or training events together? Did they meet in he evenings after work?

Do you have any knowledge of their private communications? Can you see what messages he sends by email or phone? If not, you need to begin spying on these media to know exactly where you stand. This wasn't an EA. A woman (OW) might be caught up enough in a fantasy to keep a romantic, non-physical relationship going for four years but a man (your H) would only enter a relationship with someone other than his wife for sex. He would talk for hours to OW and write to her and flatter her, but his interest is in sex and he would do those things to get sex. Believe that they have had sex, because they did, I'm sorry to say.

Is OW married? Children? Does her H know of the affair? What is his view on them still working together? Has he ever confronted your H about the affair?

Do the school authorities know about the affair? The affair is unprofessional conduct on both their parts and the school should be encouraged/threatened to move one of them from the school in order to avoid a scandal or a lawsuit.

There is a lot more you need to do about taking this affair seriously and ensuring it ends.

As for the sister; you are a grown woman and this is your marriage. She can't make you have people over to your house. Tell her to butt out! Why has this even become as big a problem as you've described? Put a stop to it.

Mustangs,

I agree that you are focusing on the wrong priority right now. Your husband's sister sounds annoying but working on that issue is like tripping over mouse droppings. The affair is a much bigger issue.

What are the things that make you think the affair is over? Is it because your husband told you it was over or do you have objective information? Your husband sees this OW at work. There is no way to recover the marriage when there is frequent (or any) contact.

You say that you have been using MB principles since 2010. If you have read the information in "Surviving an Affair" and on this forum, you should be familar with the number one rule after an affair - never see or speak to the other person (affair partner) again for life. Why did you think that you and your husband could skip over this most important step?

AM

Do you know Dr Harley's FIRST RULE of recovery after an affair? The FIRST RULE?

AGree. You are not a child. Tell the sister to butt out. People can't run over you without your permission. I view the sister issue as a distraction from your real problem: THE AFFAIR.

This is classic transference. Your husband's affair was never resolved, only swept under the carpet.

Mustangs,

Her own affair was never resolved, only swept under the carpet.

Do you know who the sister had an affair with, if so please inform the betrayed wife.

You do not appear to have informed the OWH whos WW had a 4 year affair with your WH, why is that?

God Bless
Gamma

No, no, no. I'm sorry if you've misunderstood. He is not seeing the other woman anymore (we are trying to reconcile). He works in the only Catholic (ironic) High school for hundreds of miles he has 2 yrs to retirement. Believe me I would have loved to move as far away as possible but let's face it sometimes you just can't do that. My son's whole life is here and after all he's been through I just couldn't uproot him. He follows the no contact agreement (now, let me tell you - in the beginning he had broken the no contact agreement several times. He definitely was in a deep fog). But now he sees her for what she is, an opportunist. At the time she was having the affair with him she was living with her partner and actively engaged in 4 other affairs at the same time. Through all the work that we have done I truly believe my spouse now sees her for what she is and realizes he was part of a game to her. No... I think it's quit safe to say that's done.

I know some may think that I'm in a fog with this, but spouse has been partaking in counselling, daily honesty, blah, blah, blah, all that. I do believe he is trying to follow all the steps for reconciliation.

Our issue has gone far beyond the affair. Our issue is the toxic relationship with his family. In having all their affairs they have never really taken a good look at the destruction that they have caused and now, here we are, not burying anything. For them we are the reminder of all their selfishness and past choices. Instead of saying "good for you" we are blamed for bringing their feelings to the surface. When they launch their attacks however they are not gunning for my spouse, they have been able to manipulate him all his life. Instead, I am the target (let's face it if I were out of the picture they could go on living their lives in denial) and manipulate him to whatever their need may be.

He is trying to learn to have the strength to stand up to them, but that on top of our own issues has taken it's toll and he is now shutting down. He is trying to get into a psychiatrist because we both feel that he is slipping into a depression and I just don't know how much fight I have left in me.

Mustangs:
But does OW still work at the same place as your WH?
If so, the A is NOT over...

There is a plan on here. There are several basic tenets and axioms in that plan.

You want advice on a plan that ignores or denies the basic tenets and axioms of this plan.

So, what are you asking us for? We don't know that plan.

See how illogical that sounds.

Based on what I pick up, your plan has not resulted in a recovered marriage. If you want to stick with it, that is up to you.

Earlier you said that your H and OW work together. So, does your husband see her or not? As you described your weekend, recognize that your husband's behavior is consistent with wayward behavior. It is quite possible that his affair rekindled or never ended at all.

What exactly has your son been through? Are you referring to your H's affair or did something else happen with your son? How old is he?

AM