My husband has been having an affair for a year. Just Wednesday, he ended it with her. It was a really bad horrible end in which he said some really horrible things to her to make sure it was clear to her. He came to my work Friday and had lunch with me and we had a wonderful evening. Yesterday, the children and I went with him to the beach and had a great family day like we used to have. His phone is no longer on silent and isn't locked. He was the normal husband I used to have. However, this morning, he woke up and was very down and depressed. He has been very quite and on edge. He says is is just down and that he will be ok but it will just take time. I am worried that his continuous thinking of her might drive him back to her. I asked him about it and he responed that the bridge was burned and that he knew he would never here from her and knew he didn't want to be with her. What can I do to help? I feel on pins and needles worried about doing anything that would drive him to her. HELP!

Where did he meet her? Does she live anywhere close to you? Is she married, and if so, have you informed her husband of the affair? Have you exposed the affair?

There is a very narrow path back after an affair and most do not make it if they don't follow these steps.

Please take the time to read the Start Here thread at the top of this forum. Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

He met her at a bar. She lives 30 minutes from us and she isn't married. However, she does still live with her mother who was under the impression that he was divorced and living with his mother. He knows her mother would kick her out if she knew what had been going on. Should I expose her mother to the affair?

Absolutely. Call her mother without warning and tell her about the affair. Does the OW have a facebook account? If so, I would expose the affair to her other family members via private message. We have a template letter you can use.

The affair should also be exposed to your parents, close family and friends. Any children over age 5 should be told.

Does your husband hang out in bars? If so, has he stopped this practice?

When I say parents, I mean on both sides. Your parents and his parents.

He has stopped. All of my family and our children know. My children are 11 and 16 and have told him exactly what they feel.

I would slip some spyware on his phone that has a built in GPS.

You will need to raise the bar very high to ensure that you are protected from this happening again. For example, he should not be going out without you and you should have full access to his phone. He should account for all his time to you and he should not have any opposite sex friendships.

Apparently he has poor boundaries around women. What was the environment that led to the affair? Hanging out in bars would be one example of poor boundaries.

Do they know all about this hoe?

And when you say your families know, what exactly do they know? Do they know the name of the hoe and the details of his affair?

Yes. They know her name where she lives what she drives, etc...

Yes expose to OW's mother.

Did you see/hear this no contact/break up from him to her?

I read the texts between them both. He also had me block her number and all of her immediate family's cell numbers from our phone lines.

Why won't he change all contact information? She could call from another number.

What EPs has he put in place?

How have you affair proofed your marriage?

What conditions allowed his affair?

albare1978,

He met her at a bar.

Does he have an issue with drinking?

He knows her mother would kick her out if she knew what had been going on. Should I expose her mother to the affair?

Sorry cheaters don't get to protect their affair partners, yes expose to her mother swiftly and completely without any kind of warning.

You have to lie to a whole village to carry on an affair now that village has to be told.

God Bless
Gamma

Also, he could always purchase a prepaid phone and keep it secret if he chooses to contact her and take the affair farther underground.

Keep vigilant.

Avoid all love-busters.
Ask him to join you in physical recreational activities.
Put a GPS on his vehicle.

Thank you all. This is such a hard time. Today he has text me some but it was all about how he is sorry that he is being this way an that he didn't think it would be this hard to let her go. He says he knows the bridge is burnt for good but I am so worried that his depression about this will cause him not to put in the effort he needs to to work on us and our healing. I just want this to go quickly.

A1978,

You will be on pins and needles for quite sometime and possibly forever if you don't affair proof your marriage. When you and your H have started taking the steps to rebuild your marriage you should still NEVER blindly trust him.

Bars can be very dangerous places and there should be no reason why he is hanging out at them without you on his side...EVER!!

I would read up on the OPERATION INVESTIGATE thread to learn clever ways to keep an eye on your H to give yourself piece of mind.

Also, just something that is bothering me, does the OW know where you live?

Expose to her mother and everyone else you know. Use them as allies to keep your H and the OW away from each other. This is the first, and very crucial step in rebuilding your marriage. Do not give H warning before you do it either.