|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 15
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 15 |
Been married 27 yrs,and 4 kids later.Not able to move forward on relationship ( work on it for the better) still so angry about the unfaithful act of husband being with one of our close friends.( said it hadn't been sexual) but not sure if I should push for answers to my questions about their relationship.has been 31/2 yrs since husband had been addicted to porn and paying for sex.Books say full disclosed but I get the run around.he says he's changed. So confused
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554 |
Been married 27 yrs,and 4 kids later.Not able to move forward on relationship ( work on it for the better) still so angry about the unfaithful act of husband being with one of our close friends.( said it hadn't been sexual) but not sure if I should push for answers to my questions about their relationship.has been 31/2 yrs since husband had been addicted to porn and paying for sex.Books say full disclosed but I get the run around.he says he's changed. So confused If he isn't being open and honest with you, then he has not changed.
ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 15
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 15 |
I still need help please. Where do I start. I added details to my sig. Should I call counseling center or do something 1st to be prepared? I bought HNHN, SAA, LB, 5steps. He hasn't shown interest or acknowledged the hurt from bad behavior. I don't think he's ever come clean about the extent of affair w. Friend.
He makes a lot of $ and doesn't have accountability.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
LLL, it is up to you to hold him accountable. Having no plan for recovery is a plan to fail. As you have learned.
You can't recover unless you have the full truth. If he is not motivated to use the program and get honest, I would sign up for the MB online program and let Dr Harley and you assigned coach be his motivator.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
This article outlines exactly what happens when a betrayed spouse is not told the full truth. I would insist your husband give you the truth and pass a polygraph. Otherwise, there is nothing here to save. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2311122#Post2311122
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 15
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 15 |
Not even sure if I want to work on my marriage. I feel so betrayed again! After getting thru the first set of issues my heart is numb this time.Have been counseling with Steve Harley.He says you can forgive and have a better marriage. but should I have to work this hard to save my marriage because my husband has a sex addiction. Thinking a poly graph might help me decide if I should work on it or not. Need some answers but not all the dirty details! Undecided !!!!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
This has been going on a long time!
What has happened since you last found out about your husbands affairs?
Have you exposed his affairs to your children, family and friends?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146 |
Not even sure if I want to work on my marriage. I feel so betrayed again! After getting thru the first set of issues my heart is numb this time.Have been counseling with Steve Harley.He says you can forgive and have a better marriage. but should I have to work this hard to save my marriage because my husband has a sex addiction. Thinking a poly graph might help me decide if I should work on it or not. Need some answers but not all the dirty details! Undecided !!!! We can offer some help here on the forums, but only if you'll stay active enough to give us some answers to questions we may have. Have you had your H do a polygraph yet? You won't get details in a poly, but you will get answers to questions you have. Have you exposed the affair and the pornography use to your family, friends and your children? If not, why not? do you have access to all your H's email account, cell phones, passwords, bank accounts, etc. ???? If not, why not? Do you or your H still have any contact with the OW?? How did the affair end?? Did H write a No Contact letter?? Are you certain the affair has ended?? Do you snoop to be sure?? When you say you get the run around from H, what specifically do you mean?? Please forgive me if I seem blunt, I don't mean for it to come across that way, I just want to see you get the help you need. This shouldn't feel you are doing all the work, so I believe something is amiss. Just not sure what? So more information would be helpful...
Last edited by HerPapaBear; 04/17/13 08:25 AM.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Not even sure if I want to work on my marriage. I feel so betrayed again! After getting thru the first set of issues my heart is numb this time.Have been counseling with Steve Harley.He says you can forgive and have a better marriage. but should I have to work this hard to save my marriage because my husband has a sex addiction. Thinking a poly graph might help me decide if I should work on it or not. Need some answers but not all the dirty details! Undecided !!!! What has lead you to believe your WH has a "sex addiction"?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 15
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 15 |
Not even sure if I want to work on my marriage. I feel so betrayed again! After getting thru the first set of issues my heart is numb this time.Have been counseling with Steve Harley.He says you can forgive and have a better marriage. but should I have to work this hard to save my marriage because my husband has a sex addiction. Thinking a poly graph might help me decide if I should work on it or not. Need some answers but not all the dirty details! Undecided !!!! What has lead you to believe your WH has a "sex addiction"? Thank you everyone for your help. Please see my response below.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 15
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 15 |
Headed to attorney ,will come back and answer questions when I have more time! Any advice you might have for me at my appointment with attorney regarding a separation and dealing with one young child at home ( sharing custody). and I'm a stay at home mom. Any thing helps
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6 |
Headed to attorney ,will come back and answer questions when I have more time! Any advice you might have for me at my appointment with attorney regarding a separation and dealing with one young child at home ( sharing custody). and I'm a stay at home mom. Any thing helps Find out if you live in a fault or no fault state. Also see if besides CS can you spousal support.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 15
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 15 |
Sorry new to all this forum stuff! Wrote a few paragraphs then lost it somewhere,ugh! Back to giving u more info... H has been looking at porn off and on in the last 10years. But took it further by answering personal adds( prostitutes) .that's why I consider it a sex addiction. They're not relationships.Some how I was able to stay in the marriage because, well I got pregnant ( after trying for 8years) right after I found out he had gotten arrested for soliciting personal ads. But now it is happening again.found out by snooping.after the first offense I had access to his passwords, bank info.cell phone. But he just got 2nd phone,new emails.And doesn't have to account for $$ . We have accomplished and been thru so much, it sickens me to have to let go.But Im not happy!!!
Attorney meeting went ok. No fault state.Yes will get plenty of CS and spousal support. But will be a big change for everyone! I dont even know how to feel,sad mad,or just numb!
Any advice
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 15
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 15 |
We can offer some help here on the forums, but only if you'll stay active enough to giv[/color]e us some answers to questions we may have.
[color:#CC33CC]Okay. Thanks for the help.
Have you had your H do a polygraph yet?
You won't get details in a poly, but you will get answers to questions you have.
No. but he said he would and I need help with the questions.
Have you exposed the affair and the pornography use to your family, friends and your children? If not, why not?
yes, my kids know but our friends and family wouldn't hold him accountable.
do you have access to all your H's email account, cell phones, passwords, bank accounts, etc. ???? If not, why not?no. I have some, but I'm pretty sure that there are secret accounts and probably an extra phone somewhere.
Do you or your H still have any contact with the OW??
How did the affair end?? Did H write a No Contact letter??
Are you certain the affair has ended?? Do you snoop to be sure??
the ones I know about were paid, and I don't know the details. He was caught kissing my best friend a while back, and I only found out after 9 mos. When I called OWH after getting suspicious. As far as I know, there has been no contact, but no proof either way. I still don't know if they were lying about the extent.
When you say you get the run around from H, what specifically do you mean??
I'm not sure if he's telling the truth. He always puts it back on me for my shortcomings and has an excuse but then blames me. This time, I told him I know and he admitted infidelity but offered no details.
Please forgive me if I seem blunt, I don't mean for it to come across that way, I just want to see you get the help you need.
This shouldn't feel you are doing all the work, so I believe something is amiss. Just not sure what? So more information would be helpful...
I know there's a lot wrong. He just blames me for not getting him enough attention, but how can I even love him when he just glosses over and keeps hurting me over and over? He wants his own counselor to talk to figure out his problems, and talked about a 12 step. We started counseling with Steve Harley over the past year but obviously he wasn't motivated because he said he got busy with life and then the latest junk happened. He called Steve Harley yesterday, and apparently he gave him some homework. He also said that he came here to read the forums today.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6 |
Does your WH know this is your thread?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 15
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 15 |
Does your WH know this is your thread? [color:#CC33CC][/color] was told to read on the forum by Steve Harley . But doesn't know that I post !
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6 |
Does your WH know this is your thread? [color:#CC33CC][/color] was told to read on the forum by Steve Harley . But doesn't know that I post ! Ok good. Do not tell him this is your posting name.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6 |
Is he still out of the house?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 15
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 15 |
Is he still out of the house?
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
273
guests, and
28
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,659
Posts2,323,613
Members72,372
| |
Most Online9,682
May 13th, 2026
|
|
|
|
