So...

Married 7 years. 2 kids. did foster care for several years also but no longer.

Lately things have been rocky from time to time. I have been negative often, stopped going to church with the wife and kids, wasnt spending much time with them ,etc. Spent a lot of time at work, a lot of time in the gym, etc. Attitude issues increased lately...was taking steroids, getting ready to compete and wife hated it.

things werent always bad, but this is the stuff she complained about.

Over the years I have promised to change, promised to get a better relationshiup with Christ, promised to leave work on time, promised to spend more time (positive time) as a family. I would change for a bit and then slip back.

We were looking at buying houses locally.

We went on a family trip which ended up not super great because of my attitude. The following weekend we got in an argument because of me, wife was crying "why are you doing this? Stop. please stop. I love you". Keep in mind, I was never abusive.

The next day we were looking at houses, getting preapproved and she decided to say that she wanted to seperate. Said the fight was the last nail in the coffin.

Over the weeks we would get into relationship talks, she would end up mad/in tears, I would end up in tears, promising to change, etc. She kept saying "im done. plus i know if I give you another chance, I will just get hurt again so I need to move on".

Over the first couple weeks, she hated me with a fury. Wanted nothing to do with me, wouldnt talk with me, etc.

Found out we had a friend what was playing us against eachother, making stuff up, etc. which made us not get along even more. We ventually discussed the stuff she was saying and figured it out.

At one point she said "had it not been for her, maybe we could have reconciled sooner. I mean, not saying there was a chance but she caused some serious issues".

Then we had some more talks...she broke down big time, saying how her prince charming who she was supposed to trust for the rest of her life has hurt her. she didnt get why I put up a wall towards her for so long....this isnt the life she imagined. Single, divorced with 2 kids and no job at 25 (she is a SAHM).

then we had easter together with her family, started getting along good. We watch movies together a couple nights a week after putting the kids to bed. I moved back home.

Lately, we have been spending A LOT of time together. Going out to lunch with the kids, to dinner, she has gone back to cooking dinner and including me in family dinners, family outing, etc. Made a lot of "we" and "us" comments about the future. Fixing up the house, trimming bushes, buying a leaf blower, etc. Watching a lot of movies, going to church together, out with friends, etc.


Then yesterday, she brings up the fact that we still havent put in a 30 day notice. says maybe we need to finish the projects around the house first then put it in. Then asked me "wjhats wrong?" and i said "you know I dont wanna do this" and she said "I know...but you know I do".

So then at lunch time, she makes me a sandwich (hadnt done this in year). Does all my laundry, folds it and puts it away (hasnt done this in about 7 months - we have gotten into arguments about my laundry being the only one to never get put away).

Then last night she puts on another movie for us.

She has mentioned over and over "I dont believe the changes are real yet. What? Did you think magically after a month of changes and tryhing to fix it that we would be back together already?"

But then follows up with "If I give you another chanc,e I know I will just get hurt. You have promised so many times"

But then follows that up with "I am done. I dont have the energy to do this anymore. I just want to be single and focus on the kids."


sHe originally had a date to turn in the divorce paperwork. She didnt go. Said now its not a priority, but then the other night said she hasnt turned it in because I asked her not too. Seems like there is a lot of flip flopping to me but I could be wrong.

Anyone?

Welcome to MB.

Have you read this? A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Yes, Yes I have.

I have begun applying them since day 1.

Steps I have done to improve

- 1. Found FAITH. And, I mean in a big way. This was a huge killer for her. I would drop her and the kids off and go to the gym in the past. We also now pray before dinner every night.

- 2. Positivity and upbeat. I try to remain happy and fully involved with them when I am with the. Her and the kids both. No more yelling, no more cussing and being mean.

- 3. LISTENING. I have really tried listening to her when she tells me something. A simple example - she has a pair of pajamas she doesnt wear often because when she dried them with others, it causes lint - I wash/dry them seperate.

- 4. Help around the house. I have been doing all the household chores (unless she gets to them first). I clean up after dinner, vacuum, clean the kids rooms, etc.

- 5. when she talks, I really try to listen. I have admitted that all of this is my fault and I didnt realize I was doing such a bad job but now I see i was neglecting her emotional needs (rarely did date nights, etc.).

- 6. I have REALLY limited (in fact, mostly quit) using my cell phone when we are spending family time. Especially when her and I are together. This used to annoy her a ton.

We have been cooking dinner as a family the last couple nights. I used to expect it ready when I got.home and had a bad attitude when it wasn't.

Then tonight we played some racquetball. First time her and I have played together, let alone just her and I, in over a Month. Before she wouldn't even let me watch when she first said she wanted to seperatw.

What are your wife's top ENs?

Have you stopped ALL love busters?

So this morning she told me our friend-couple wants us to play with them more regularly and that it would be fun.

Woke up this morning, made the whole family breakfast -- she swore she didnt want any but then ate some bacon and loved it.


She wont fill out the form but from knowing her and her complains, her ENs are

Affection/Appreciation
Domestic/family commitment/Honest
Recreational

She has had a hard life and so have I so trust is big for both of us, but we also enjoy playing racquetball, going to the river, going camping. We also like affection, she really likes appreciation. I used to get upset when my laundry wasnt put away, dinner wasnt done when I got home, etc.

The other night she actually put my laundry away (first time in 7 months - we used to fight about it a lot).


I have stopped doing LoveBusters....and really tried to minimize as many as possible. One of them is relationship talk, that would apply pressure and really upset her.

I do laundry, cleanup dinner, do things when I say I am going to, put my phone away, dont go on the computer, etc.

Did you thank her for putting your laundry away?

Did you email Dr. Harley?

Yes I did thank her. Although not as smooth as I used to because I was so taken back lol. "hey...did you put my clothes away?" her "yeah" me "thanks! Didn't know where they went"(since she used to shove em aside). Got a weird look.

She also says flowers, me telling her she looks pretty or beautiful is weird or awkward too. Says because she is not used to hearing it in an honest tone from me without a joke like "dang good lookin"

We made some dinner tonight. Bbqed steak and some roasted potatoes and carrots.

No, I did not email the dr.

Ok since you know her top ENs. What are you doing to meet them?

Affection

Do you have the book His Needs Her Needs?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

To meet affection I bring her flowers, listen to her when she talks, try to softly touch her when I get a chance. She will not allow me to hug her or hold her hands anymore. I sit with her on the couch and watch tv with her to spend time.

I have stopped saying I love you since she saw it as pressure and felt like she had to run when I did. The last time I told her she said "I hope you're not waiting for me to say it back".

I don't have his needs, her needs yet but I do have divorce proof your marriage which follows some similar approached as MB.
I do little things like make sure she always has a glass of water before bed (she sleeps on the couch. Says ned has too many memories. ), tuck her in kr bring her blankets, etc.


I was watching other sites about tough love, 180, etc. But I feel those would cement the desire for her to leave like "oh yah, he is a jerk...that is why I'm leaving."

Your DW is in withdrawal. You need to work to get her out of withdrawal.

MB has the best plan to save a Marriage. I would also email Dr. Harley.

Read these and tell us what you think.
How to Meet the Need for Affection #1
How to Meet the Need for Affection #2

Also this.
The Three States of Mind in a Marriage

Also listen to this and tell us what you think.
Radio Clip on Withdrawal

How do I do those if she won't let me?


Also, she just found out a place tonight. She said we can put in our 30 day notice on the first and move in June 1st. And that I could live with them a month to save up for my own place.

I told her id have to think about that.

So you have a month to show her you've truly changed.

Stay here and read and learn. Really learn Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts.

How One Spouse Can Lead the Other Back to Intimacy

Should I have said I would move in with them? Technically I have two more months if I move in with them to their apartment after we put in the 30 day here.

We have been separated a month already.

How do I show her intimacy or affection if she may not be open to touching?

Yes get back home.

What about notes of care? You need to work hard to make deposits into her love bank. Do not smother her.

I live at home right now. I have for 2 weeks. She found an apt and wants to out in the 30 day notice at our house on the 1st so she can move into her apt and said I could move into her apt with them for a month to save up for my own. So if I move into their apt that is an additional 2 1/2 months from now.


Like notes of have a good day, I love you, etc? I have stopped saying I love you lately.