I suspect that S does not want to believe that her husband is actively involved in an affair. Fortunately, she has written Dr Harley and he will help her see that her husband is gaslighting her. Dr Harley is no fool and he will see right through this pole-cat!

S,

I USED to identify with 14 out of 15 on this list. You do not have to live this way. It is scary to make the change, I know I left fighting it the whole way. Being gaslighted is emotionally unhealthy and damaging.

Listen to the vets.

...14 out of 15 on this list...

Lemme guess....You missed number 10, as HWSNBN had no secretary!

I guess I have to go find my "motivation boots", for this poster.

What scares me for this poster is when Dr. Harley sees right through all this, the husband will ramp up the gaslighting...."Those crazy people on the internet. Who are you going to believe? Your husband or a bunch of strangers?". Also, things much much worse.

He is already saying these things! And unfortunately, she believes him. I am hopeful she will believe Dr Harley.

SnG:

The short answer to your question is, no. The point of plan B is to protect the unfaithful spouse from excruciating pain that an unfaithful spouse's vacillation creates. He wants to do things his way to keep his options open, but the fallout leads to serious health and emotional problems for the betrayed spouse. If an unfaithful spouse does not agree to follow extraordinary precautions to avoid making any contact with former OWs (you should know who they are and how he will avoid contact) and avoid another affair (which includes being with you every night from now on), creating transparency, and following the Policy of undivided attention to restore intimacy, plan B, which means there is to be absolutely no direct contact between the unfaithful spouse and the betrayed spouse, should be implemented.

By admitting to his affairs, your husband has taken a very important first step toward recovery. Now we'll have to see if he's willing to take further steps to insure his faithfulness, protecting you from his thoughtlessness. To suggest that he spend time away from you overnight is evidence that he still isn't considering you feelings and interests.

I can understand how important it is for you to save your marriage, but marriage is a two way street. If your husband doesn't care about your feelings, he's a dangerous person for you to depend upon.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

I missed that....maybe I need reading glasses.

Thank you for weighing in, Dr Harley! We are hopeful the poster will be back to read your thoughts.

Thank you Dr Harley for your post. Your time is sincerely appreciated and we would welcome any future insight on these forums.

Happyfuture66

SnG, we can tell you which end is up forever. We are peers. When Dr. Harley takes the time to weigh in, you need to sit up and pay attention.

Now. WHAT SAY YOU?

Wow, free advice from Dr Harley himself. AND, it the advice given to date lines up perfectly with it. Imagine that. Stuff that really works

Thank you to all who responded to my previous posts.

You were all correct. Now what!?

You were all correct. My WH is still a WH. I have started on the disclosure and the first person who I told told me they had suspected it because a third party saw him with his mistress. Always the last to know.

Now what? Do I keep plugging away at Plan A strictly by the books - as I now understand it - or do I ask him to move out and go with Plan B?

Totally confused - S (and not G)

Did you see Dr Harley's advice to you?

Yes go to Plan B and have G move out.

Please stick to your original thread.

Did you see Dr. Harley's advice to you on your original thread?

Hi S, sorry you had to find out the hard way. Demand that he end his affair and if he won't, ask him to move out immediately. THEN go into Plan B. You have already done 3 weeks of Plan A, so that time is over.

Threads have been merged.

MelodyLane et al,

Please help me through this process. To date we've done everything wrong. For 26 years we've communicated poorly and our marriage has been ruled by angry outbursts, love busters and selfish demands. At least the last 10/11 weeks has been far more respectful and at times enjoyable. My husband is insisting that his attachments to these OW have not been physical and just emotional. Last night he was pacing the house and finally at 11:45 p.m. he said he had to go check on something. He would not talk with me in more detail about it. I asked him to please tell me who he was going to see, and to please tell me why he felt he had to go and to choose differently. He insisted he had to go in order to set himself free. At this point I got concerned and asked if he was going to hurt himself or if he was considering killing himself and he assured me it was nothing like that - and the he left. (please note, this is a first, all the times my husband was hanging out out at restaurant/bars he was always home rather early (9:30 at the latest) and he has never left like this...

He returned 1.5 hours later to tell me that there was someone else who he'd been talking with since last June and that he had to see for himself that what he thought to be true was - that she was hanging out at a bar with another man. He said the OW did not see him and that he did not talk with her. I asked him what he would have done had she seen him and acted happy to see him and what if she'd told him that she'd missed him...and his response was that that was not why he was there. He was there to bring closure.

So now what. Clearly I've (we've) done most everything wrong to this point miss understanding Plan A, Plan B, and who does what and what the expectations are...and I really want to follow the MB plan. Last night, I calmly told G that he needed to move out immediately because he had continued to lie to me. But that was in the heat of the moment and before I saw your post to "demand that he end his affair and if he won't, ask him to move out immediately. THEN go into Plan B..."

My WH had given me his phone and computer passwords (per the MP prescription) so I got up early this morning (as I was not sleeping) and I checked his phone to see what I could find and this is what he sent to his sister around 3 a.m.

"Hey sister, I wanted to tell you first cause you are my only blood family, S and I will likely be splitting up very soon. I'm pretty sure she will want me to move out. I told you I would try and work it out with her, but I have let her down. I lied to her about having any interest in any other women when there was someone I was thinking about. I want you to know I didn't go any further with that person than time together to get to know her. I know this is very hard for you, and I'm sorry. I do plan to try and reconcile this somehow and be back with S, but she may never trust me again. Oh, and I will not be involved with that woman any longer, even if I have to move out. I deeply regret the hurt I have caused everyone, there is no excuse for my selfishness. I love you, I hope you can forgive me. I am sorry to have done this to S. She doesn't deserve it. I love you and talk to you later."

What do I do next? Clearly I demand he never sees any of these OW again. Clearly I get their last names so I can check them out on the internet and be on the look out for their names. He writes them letters saying not to contact him again and that he will not be contacting them...and we continue to expose the infidelity. Also, of concern is that my husband owns his own small time real-estate firm. He has a silent partner who owns some minority shares and they have 1 staff member who is commission only and who is supposed to be developing property management opportunities. This 1 staff member is a female; the OW that my husband went to check on last night is a friend of his staff member and has known about my WH and OW all along. I think this working relationship is septic and needs to be addressed somehow. Lastly, do I put my "demands" in writing? What am I missing?

Thank you in advance for your help.