DBD,

I know the feeling, believe me, as I alluded to in one of my earlier posts to you.

And I learned the vets are right on point here: while in the affair fog, the POSOM is just the best, the affair was terrific, nobody could do any wrong, and anything BS does to save the marriage (and the WS) is 'controlling.

That's IN the fog of the fantasy, while the affiar is still active.

WHEN YOU KILL THE AFFAIR and the fog is gone -- whole 'nother ballgame.

WS snaps out of the fantasy bubble and the "WTF was I doing" starts to set in...WS begins to realize it was NOT 'love' with OP, and all those 'controlling actions' actually saved the marriage... AND the WS.

And she WILL understand this and need a safe place to land.

Full steam ahead!

OM (Polecat) is a coward.

YOU are NOT a coward.

Everything you are doing is proving you are NOT a coward.

As a FWW who is on the other side of the fog, I can tell you that you are doing everything right.

This IS going to pay great rewards for you in the end. Your wife will admire you for it eventually...but not today.

I believe very soon Polecat's true colors will be shown and your wife will begin the process of realizing Polecat is really a polecat.

Kill the affair. Kill it dead.

I salute you.

SO TRUE!

Save her!!!

Thanks again for the affirmation everyone. Good words HHH. Encouraging reminder ML. Trying to stay mean NG. Saw more after I posted--always appreciate hearing from FF. Thanks Pepper for the kick in the butt from Eldridge.

I am catching crap from about everyone outside of here for my 'aggressive and vengeful behavior'

I meet with the lawsuit lawyer and divorce lawyer tomorrow. I will shove it as far as I can.

I keep calling GFs mom(?) but get no answer. I sent FB messages to who I think id the GF and GFs mom.

I called WW and cheater friends supervisor and told her about them using the work computer to facilitate the A. Supv said she will talk to them about it. She is going to go off the F bomb chart over this.

Bank accounts are set and credit cards are cancelled.

Will send follow up message to F&F tomorrow. Been asking close friends to keep messaging.

Anything else?

Crazy thing is, WW is still wearing rings, txts me when she will be late, hugs me a little here and there, and asks me about my job interviews. Those are good signs no?

Or they are signs of the Mayan apocalypse.

Don't try to read her too much. That's just a crazy-making invitation.

Hold steady, be the rock in this situation, and demonstrate that you will always be her rock should she choose to recover the marriage.

I think I have seen glimpses of this, then she just starts fantasizing or grieving the loss of what could be and the fog rolls in.

DBD,

I would respectfully disagree with your assessment...as I learned from Marital and Melody and NG.

Look at it a different way: it's not clinging to what 'might have been' with the OP...it's realizing, as the fog slowly clears, what it really was (and was NOT) and is more of a delay tactic, technique...call it what you will for the WS to avoid, for as long as possible (because they are acutley aware of the upcoming wave of pain, regret, shame, etc.), having to turn and face themselves and the damage that was done.

Like the old joke about a person staying drunk to avoid the hangover (bad analogy...NG would've done much better).

Your doing fine. One thing I regret is trying to understand a WW's irrational behavior. As some posted dont read too much into it.

Imagine POSOM throwing your wife under the bus in court. I def think that will kill the affair! You're doing ok. Keep up the plan A carrots as well.

Plan A love bank deposits with simultaneous Plan A adultery pesticide = you determined to nurture what you want to grow .... while starving what you want to get rid of.

Been a few days--seems likes months.

Met with lawyers. I think everything is set for if WW moves out. Need $2500 to begin the lawsuit against OM work--est. $5k more to finish. I will pull the trigger on this at the next point of communication.

I am gathering intel daily. I call who WW calls and gather info too. No signs of communications between WW and OM.

It looks like OM has given WW stiff arm. OM returned from vacation to a bunch of heat from work for the email I send 2 weeks ago.

WW is adamant that it is over and OM no longer wants her. She blames me for all that and is committed to being a class A beotch as my reward. Just looks like progress to me.

WW agreed to more counseling and while she leaves saying "enough of all the Jesus stuff", I can tell it really challenges her.

I emailed F&F again and lots of people have been messagging her--lots of people. She posted a rebuttal on FB! I loved it. She did not deny the affair to all 479 of her frinds! Just that she was not sleeping around and coming home each night and that i was acting crazy. She pulled it off FB 4 hours after posting.

IMO, WW is talking about "post affair" things. 'How will we get through this, what will everyone think, I need to reconnect with kids, everyone is going to think I was sleeping around,' etc. That is a good sign right?

In msgs to others, she says we are working on it and it will be ok--but she does not tell me that. Like she wants to keep me scared or hurt me a little longer, or like she needs to keep acting strong????

Some days a little warm, longer hugs, says I love you, etc. Other days very irritable, depressed, mean. Is this just withdrawal crap???

I enrolled in a stupid dance class and she got real inquisitive when I left for it--like she was worried what I'd be doing. I had invited her too, and only want the class so I can dance with her, but I made up my mind to go whether she did or not. Hope that is not a mistake.

It is like she is just teetering in the middle--could go either way. OM is not talking and that is the key to the whole situation right now. She acts like she is not going to leave at this point. I am doing my best to maintain steady love and a nice home life, but I do get baited into arguing over what a POS sissy the OM is from time to time.

And I am struggling to stay off the beer. I tend to tell her what I think of the OM after a 6 pack and my ego is 'unsurpressed'. I'm rationalizing the Coors Light in lieu of psyc meds.

I'm reading a few newer threads and I am just crushed by the pain folks are enduring---sad sad sad. I am hurting bad and limping along and I feel my situ is easy compared to many others.

You have a wonderful opportunity to save your marriage if you will just take it. You need to focus on attracting her back. A program of ATTRACTION. She doesn't see any hope in her future with you. It is up to you to change your behavior and persuade her that you can have a loving, romantic marriage.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair and Lovebusters yet? If not, get them NOW along with the workbook Five Steps to Romantic Love. You are going to sell her on the idea of changing your marriage into a romantic, happy relationship and then show her how this is achieved. In a NON CONTROLLING, RESPECTFUL WAY.

For now, STOP all lovebusters. I have a sense that you lovebust her quite regularly. How would rate yourself on that?


Stop talking about God to her. Stop going to counseling and stop trying to set her straight. And most of all, STOP DRINKING! YUCK. Who wants to be around a belligerent, big mouth drunk??

Instead work on being as attractive and loving as possible. Can you do this?

When you get those books, ask her to read Surviving an Affair while you read Lovebusters.

The last counselor dogged me a whole lot more than her--she liked that.

I have dropped 40 pounds. I get up before her, run, shower, dress up, don a lot of cologne, and make her coffee each am. I make the bed and spy on her phone while she is in the shower, set out her lunch stuff, then walk her to the car and say something affirming each morning. I send her one email or text each day with something edifying in it. I give a little $10 gift with a card about once a week in her lunch bag. I take her lunch at work once a week. I have dinner ready at home at least once a week. I make the girs do the dishes and clean the kitchen. I post all the family stuff I can on FB once or twice a week. I work out in the evening with her 3 times a week. We walk at night about twice a week. I rub her 'bad' leg and foot about 3 times a week after dinner. I plan something each Friday or Saturday but she seldom wants to go. I have another cruise scheduled for August. I'm in best jeans with cologne and mint gum when she comes home. I'm doing laundry, folding clothes, painting rooms, fixing the roof, improving he pool, washing her car, and taking care of the kids throughout the week. I go to bed when ever she does and tickle her back and neck.

I am an egotistical [censored] for sure, but I am trying I promise.

Speaking of touching at night, it has been about 8 weeks since she revealed the affair. In that time, on 3 or 4 occasions things have escalated to physical intimacy following some times of non sexual touching and light snuggling. I do not initiate or press for it--she just responds that way sometimes--it always surprises me and I figure it can't hurt, but the emotional climate seems about the same each day afterwards. Just saying she does not have an aversion to physical intimacy with me. My 'controlling behavior' seems to be the biggest turn off.

I took the love busted surveys online. I score high on disrespectful judgement (controlling everything), independent behavior (this one has all but ceased), and annoying habits (smothering and saying too many nice things now). The book is on order.

I do not think she will read Surviving an Affair, but I'll try. The policy of joint agreement is what she will like the most, but she does not read much that i give her.

As for the drinking, it is not something I want to do/start--just a sinful reaction to things when I start dragging bottom--but thanks for the straight talk and reminder to avert from it.

Just so you know, ONE lovebuster ERASES about a month of good behavior. Every single time you commit a lovebuster you remind her of all the things that have pushed her away.

Did you get the book Surviving an Affair? If not, get the book and leave it lying around while you read Lovebusters.

And once you get the workbook, then go to her and sell her your plan for recovery.

Can you do that?


Does any of this stuff impress her? Sure, it does impress some women, but not all. Men just assume that being domestic is an auto love bank deposit and I don't know why they think that. The last thing that appeals to me is a husband who does housework.

>>The last thing that appeals to me is a husband who does housework<<

Sorry for the interruption. I've been following this thread from the beginning (I'm cheering for you DBD!), but the last message from ML surprised me. Could this be what I'm doing wrong? ML could you elaborate? I have the highest respect for you and the other vets on this site. Thanks for your efforts in saving marriages!

Thanks TCal! Some women appreciate it when men do housework, I don't. I don't want my husband doing things around the house because I like things done a certain way. I just get annoyed when he does things. I would rather do it myself or have it done.

It seems that men believe that doing housework is an auto lovebank deposit but for many women it is not. That can't be assumed. Dr. Harley did address this once and said that if a wife is terribly withdrawn, doing housework can be a demonstration of care, though.

To give you one example of why I feel this way, he recently asked me the most amazing question. He was going over our shopping list and got to the dishwashing soap [Dawn] and said "now what do we use that for?" I said we wash pans and anything that has to be handwashed. I asked him what he had washed pans with all these years. [a few times he has "washed" a pan after he cooked and left it in the sink to dry - I always rewashed it after he left because it looked dirty] He said "hot water."

But to his credit, he does a SUPER job taking care of our yard, the cars, and can fix anything. When something breaks down, he usually has it fixed that day. He meticulously pays our bills and takes care of our investments.

I would much rather he stick to the things he is good at and we are both very happy with that arrangement. I hate working on the yard and taking cars into the shop and he hates doing dishes so it works out very well.

T/J

NOW I know why I always have to re-wash the dishes Mr. Bliss washes!