I finally have full disclosure from WH, we have read Torn Asunder by Dave Carder (that is how I finally got the full disclosure, and how I found all of you .

DD 3/?/13.

Bluntly, I have a seriel offender, and I have enabled him. I am going to get Dr. Harley's book ASAP.

I finally told him last night that I would not put up with another affair, ever.

I'm sort of in plan A, but I have not exposed yet, except to a few gf's I can trust. We have teenagers, they know something is up, but haven't told them yet.

He says he wants to work it out, says he feels bad, but then turns the blame on me, and I have been allowing it, till yesterday.

There is still contact with EA from last spring, indirectly, (btw, I also enabled that) they worked together and have the potential to work together again, yes, I now see this as a huge red flag! And a massive problem, he's still getting his fix!

Oh boy, I really haven't let myself think about any of this to much until I started reading here yesterday. And I'm feeling overwhelmed.

There are 4 one night stands, and 2 or more EA's (the current one I caught him in), he's addicted to porn, and it just hit me a little at a time (defense mechanism?).

Not sure to stay or go, not sure what I want to do or what I need to do, right now I'm surviving hour by hour.

Psalm 23:4

Hi B, welcome to Marraige Bulders. I don't give this much hope unless he make radical changes in his lifestyle. For example, he would need to be with you 24/7 and you would have to have access to everything, ie: phones, computers, everything. It would have to be dramatic and radical because the only way you would be safe is to be with him all the time. He can't be trusted out of your sight. Could you make that happen?

Ad everyone should know about his affairs. All of your family, friends, children, workplace, and especially any spouses of his affairages.

"He says he wants to work it out, says he feels bad, but then turns the blame on me, and I have been allowing it, till yesterday. "

He doesn't sound serious to me. What In the world gives you the notion he is serious? I am sure he feels bad he caught but that is meaningless. Feeling bad changes nothing.

"I finally told him last night that I would not put up with another affair, ever. "

But he knows you don't mean this. All he has to do is just make some glib promise and be more careful in the future. He knows you will do nothing to stop him.

Yes, that's what I'm afraid of. I've been scared to do what I know I need to do, for many reasons that right now seem like stupid excuses to stay in the same crap I have been in for far to long.

When are you going to expose?

Are any of these OW married?

NOW! I can't do this anymore. I started exposing this morning, waiting for him to get home from work to tell DS's.

His parents and my parents I'm not sure about, yet, neither of us have safe relationships with either set.

There is NC w/PA's. They were one night stands. The last EA, I befriended, (seems stupid, but, I needed to make sure there was NC, and seemed a good way to put the coals back on their heads.)

Not sure how many of his 'friends' to expose him to? Most of them think an affair is no big deal, they are enabling him too. I am exposing to our friends that know it's wrong and would be willing to help us both.

The EAW, is divorced, and just had a child, from another coworker.

Are any of the OW married?

Also you need to do a workplace exposure since they worked together.

Have you read all the links from here? Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

I don't know about the others, if they are married.

Yes, I read the start here.

Not sure about exposing at work, he is in construction, and not sure how it would effect job status. And most of the guys he works with, are his friends who make him feel better because he isn't as 'bad' as they are. And also how the EA started, all the coworkers were trying to help her out and make her feel better because she was going through D.

Have you read all the links from here? Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Yes, it's what has spurred me into action, had been dragging my feet.

What do you do when you realize that it's not ALL your fault? Start moving and planning.

I have actually been doing plan A for way to long, but not fully, I did not expose.

Your children should be told by YOU, not him. They should be told of every affair along with the name of his OW.


Tell them all. The only unsafe person is your husband. Go read the thread in my signature for talking points. It is very important that you present this correctly.


hopefully, you have reconsidered making friends with OW and cut her out of your lives.


And you should also expose to siblings, aunts, uncles.

What about the husbands of the OW? How is he having one night stands? Does he hang out in bars? Travel?

You would expose to the company's owner. Does he work with the OW?

The Harleys will tell you "there are reasons for affairs but never EXCUSES"

Now that you have MB, you have a Plan.

You need to expose all at once. Trickle exposure can do more harm.

You need to expose at his work. They work together and so that means his affair is active every day.

Get your exposure list together.

Family and friends on your side, WH's side and OW's side.

How could you and your husband support your family and spend 24/7 together? You do realize this man can't be trusted out of your sight, right? If you can't arrange your life in a way where you spend 24/7 together, then this will never work.

He can't be trusted out of your sight. And a man who has had that many affairs is not doing it because of YOU, but because he is OUT LOOKING FOR IT. Most people sort of fall into it and are surprised they did it. Your H is not like that.

No he is not working with OW.

Ok, full exposure, been trickling. I can contact his employer, but like I said, they are like brothers and for the most part stick up for each other.

Yes I am going to undo befriending OW, after exposure.

He is 'saying' the affairs were by accident and he was caught off guard, at very low points for him. I have been with this man for 21 years, been married 19 of them. Until we read the Torn Asunder book together he didn't realize the fullness of the emotional affair.

I can tell him he is an addict all day long, but that will not change his dangerous behavior.

Now it is out in the open for me, I will get my full exposure list made and start again there. And work on plan B,

Do I still love him? Yes.

Do I want to continue to be in this kind of marriage? No

Do I want to work through this with him, if I can? Yes

If there is even a slim chance that there can be reconciliation, it's worth a shot, isn't it?

I know I need to not enable him and stand firm.

I also know I don't need him to survive the rest of my life.

But no matter what I will have to deal with him the rest of my life because of our DS's.

And either way I'm going to have to work through all of this mess.

I have honestly never trusted him, not fully.

As far as being with him 24/7...right now I would rather he were a million miles away, and in about an hour I will have to look at him.

That is a lie. A serial cheater is someone who is out looking for it. He was not caught off guard because he was looking for it. That is evidenced by multiple affairs. It obviously wasn't an "accident" after the first affair because if he knew how they happened, he would have protected himself. He didn't do that.


Yes, a serial cheater is addicted to having affairs. A one time adulterer is addicted to a person.


Can you expose today and get this done?

This is besides the point. What matters if he can make radical, dramatic changes in his life to affair proof your marriage.


This will all depend on his willingness and ability to create a completely integrated lifestyle where you are together all the time. Again, he can't be trusted out of your sight and should never be trusted out of your sight again.


How could you arrange your life so you could be together 24/7? Have you been thinking about that?

And if he will be home in an hour, I would tell your children NOW so they can discuss it with him when he gets home.

This will all depend on his willingness and ability to create a completely integrated lifestyle where you are together all the time. Again, he can't be trusted out of your sight and should never be trusted out of your sight again.

Right now EVERYTHING hinges on MY willingness and HIS willingness to affair proof OUR marriage from this point on!

I am willing

He is willing

He read an affair book WITH me, may not seem like a big thing, but it is HUGE. He hates it, but he really got into it, even when I started backing away. And encouraged me to keep going through the book WITH him.

He never took the time to think about what he had done. I had no real evidence to confront him with, at the time of these one night stands he traveled, by himself, for work. I always suspected, but did not KNOW.

Things are different NOW. He ADMITTED to me what he has done, I didn't just come up with evidence and confront him. I would have never known if he didn't tell me. This does show that he knows what he did was wrong. And he is scared.

This puts me in a better position, but as you already know, a very hard place to be. And I have to be tough enough to keep standing on what is right.

Infidelity comes in many forms and even though I haven't committed the act, I am as guilty as he is. I am a former wayward woman, and I have been in recovery for a long time, with the good Lord's help and wonderful friends. Have I slipped in my own mind, yes, and I come back to where I should be as soon as I realize what I'm doing.

Matthew 7:3 '[/color] And why do you look at the speck in your brothers eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?'

Matthew 5:28 'But I say to you that whoever looks at another person to lust for them has already committed adultery in their heart'

[color:#000000][/color]

[color:#33CCFF]We have both had some major planks in our eyes. And we have both committed adultery.

Internet forums are a tricky thing, and not person to person. It's easy to pass judgement onto others with no repercussions, and it's easy to read into things that may not be there. And it's hard to get the whole story of a situation without writing half a book.

I have been praying for a while about exposure, and my H has brought it up before I even started to come here.

Yes, I went and read Dr. Harley's opinion on exposure, I have read it a few times now.

I do not want to tell my DS's on my own, and quite frankly at this point it does not seem right to do so without H. He needs to see the full effect that it has on them, not the after effects.
No, our parents are not safe either, they have also had multiple affairs, and his father is on wife #2. We do not need any more parent problems, we seriously have to be the adults with them most of the time. We need people to support and encourage us both, not drag us down into the blame game, and that is exactly what they would do.

Exposing at work...this could end his job...he is in a supervisory position at this moment...and could have legal problems.
He has, on his own, been talking and thinking about getting out of what he is doing, I'm trying to get him to see, in a non-threatening way, that that is a better course, and our close friends are doing the same.

We are not currently doing MB, we are going through a companion workbook with another affair book we were already reading together. I cannot change horses mid-stream, BUT there are many MB principles that go right along with what we are already doing. If this is a problem I will go somewhere else.

Once again you are enabling him. Dr. Harley treats affairs like drug addictions and it is true. If he is working at a place where he had an affair with the co worker he needs to find another job. If he doesn't you risk him having another affair or reigniting the flame. Legal issues because of his affair is his own fault not yours. Why are you protecting him? He should of thought of that before he committed an selfish and insensitive act. He needs to put on his big boy pants and face the music and the consequences, by softening the blow you spare him of this and HE WILL DO IT AGAIN. Read surviving the affair and lovebusters switching programs shouldn't matter if he his SERIOUS about repairing your marriage. He hates affair books because he is GUILTY and not in it 100% seems your going off words and not action. Has he taken a polygraph?

Marriage Builders is not a piecemeal program so you will be wasting your time here. I don't know how we can help you if you aren't here to use the program.. This isn't a blogging forum, after all. And if you don't follow the concepts prescribed by Dr Harley for serial affairs, you won't make it no matter what "program" you use. Sorry, but that is the truth.

I wish you the best.

He still has contact with OW at work?

You haven't exposed?

It doesn't work. Dr Harley says this isn't the way to recover and we see people come back again and again and again because their foggy wayward continues with their selfish entitled behavior.

You don't want to follow MB but yet you get frustrated when people try to give you MB advice forum? Okey dokey.

Good luck!