I've come to the conclusion that LH resents EP's. He considers them all to be a noose around his neck rather than a way to demonstrate his protection of the marriage.

It's my own assumption, but I believe this all stems from the mindset that he didn't need EP's to end the affair and didn't need EP's to stay out of any other affairs after that one ended.

Just some of my own thoughts here!

What a juvenile game to play -- punish you for being hurt.

He's trying to "teach" you how to respond to him.

And when he doesn't get what he wants -- he punishes you.
by not talking
by disappearing
by not sleeping with you

He knows you have anxiety -- so he maximizes it by disappearing, so that you will wonder where he is and what he is doing.

He doesn't have any idea of how to be a husband.

I am so sorry StrongerMe.

What are your boundries?
What are you certain of?

Sorry for this development.

This is very important to recognize.
Do not get involved with any relationship talk while exhausted.

DECLINE to participate because you are too exhausted !!!!

I'm there.

I have responsibilities. I have 2 wonderful children and a job. I must take care of myself so that I can be healthy for them. My hands were shaking uncontrollably when he dumped me and then dumped me at work yesterday. I had to leave work. In addition to my female logorrhea, I've had repeated d-rhea (sorry, tmi).

I'm choosing to allow my Taker to stay in control right now. My Giver is going to kill me. My Taker is ticked off.

When LH arrived home, I had the worst AO of my life. My Giver is mortified, but my Taker isn't.

My Taker is certain that she will no longer put up with this. My Taker is done. Know The Band Perry song - Done? That's me.

You've been wearing that crown and tearing me down
It's been a while since you've treated me right
You strung me along for far too long because I never gave up the fight
Until now

(Done) with your selfish ways
And all the games you play
I'm through with you and everything you say

I wholeheartedly agree. And I am certain that I don't want to be married to someone who behaves that way.

This has been very effective for him. For years it has worked like a charm - and I am responsible for that.

I am certain that I am not going to be a "student" ever again.

I'm declining. I'm not interested in any relationship talk while exhausted or while energetic either.

Bingo! He has effectively kept you under control for years by playing the "I want a divorce card" and playing the drama queen. Like tst said, he is not the victim, he is the PERP!

So don't reward him for doing this again. Make sure he understands those games won't work for him anymore.

Sorry to hear these recent developments. Stay strong your getting some good advice. ML is spot on with that statement of the drama queen.

He just came home and said he was "fine" with EPs and wanted to know what he'd done to show he wasn't.

I refused to argue with him or get into a discussion.

I am playing the song over and over to remind myself not to get pulled in with his games.

You are clearly being abused emotionally and mentally. Why haven't you moved to plan B yet? Your love bank bust be running a deficit by now. You need to be protected.

I truly appreciate all the support. You've taken time to post on my thread and LH's thread.

This morning LH told me about a dream he had where there was a demon serpent that only I could kill. He was trying to dig a hole for it, but he dug the hole in the wrong place and it came up and was trying to kill him. I was the only one that could kill it by biting it.

Symbolism? After wondering whether he made the dream up :o, I told him that he keeps digging holes in the wrong place - oopsie! The serpent keeps biting me, and I'm tired. Then sometimes, he just likes to throw me down in the hole (divorce card). It's time for me to walk away and let him deal with the serpent.

Who knew that 15 was the magic number of times that he needed to threaten divorce for me to take him up on it?

I was actually able to sincerely apologize for my angry outbursts. The thing is, I was like a toddler who didn't get what she wanted, and I had a temper tantrum. I wanted a husband that would be in it for the "long haul", that would love me, help me heal, and build a wonderful marriage with me.

But no matter how much I encourage or talk, no matter how much our coach works with him, no matter how much he gets beat up on here...it's not going to happen.

Tonight he asked me what I would've done if he confessed after the first sexual encounter. I looked him straight in the eyes and told him I would've done the same thing I did after all the sexual encounters and years of lies and abuse. I would've opened my arms, opened my heart, loved him, believed in him, and tried to make our marriage better than it ever was.

Though this may be disrespectful, I'm going to type it anyway since I'm no longer concerned about draining this man's love bank.

I don't believe in him anymore. NeverGuessed (and my DD12) are spot on. The willingness is just not there. This is what he's wanted all along. But he wanted it in a way that he could still maintain that he's a "good" guy. He says repeatedly, "I'm not a bad person. Such-and-such doesn't make me a bad person..."

Now he has the story he needs. He quit his job for me, quit drinking, shut out his mother, put the motorcycle up for sale - he would've even shaved his head, but it was just never enough. Because after doing ALL that, SM left him anyway. She just couldn't get over it and realize how good she had it.

I'm sad, but I'll be ok.

I'm so sorry, SM.

Is this still how you feel this morning? What has happened at your house since this post?

I still feel the same way this morning. Everyone is still sleeping.

I'm not going to pretend that part of me doesn't still hope, "THIS time will be different. THIS time everyone got through to him." Because, I really want it so bad.

I want to win the lottery too. And even I put in all my life's savings and future earnings into it, odds are I STILL wouldn't win the lottery.

I'm pretty certain that I've already drained my love bank savings account for LH. If I only had myself to consider, I'd probably spent the rest of my life draining, draining, draining, in the hopes of getting that golden ticket. But I have a responsibility to my children to repair their mother and be there for THEM.

Both girls talked to me about how discouraged they were yesterday. I'm SO sad for them.

Thursday DD14 emailed me,"I'm so happy that Daddy finally has a job. But yesterday me and him kind of got into it so that isn't good...I don't know"

She said it was "the usual", "He seemed kind of mad about it and when I got home, he kind of went into a rant. I don't think he meant to though. I just don't like talking to him about serious stuff because he has the tendency to start talking like he's mad a the world and doesn't always listen to the thing I wanted to talk about in the first place."

DD12 told me last night (again) that things would be better if we divorced. She's never changed her stance that he's faking everything.

Of course, LH tells me that I'm allowing a 12-year old (and NeverGuessed!) to dictate my life. I suppose I can't come to these same conclusions based on his behavior and attitude. He wanted a divorce 3 days ago!

Maybe if he acted more maturely than the 12 year old, you might listen to him. As it stands, he isn't..

karmasrose - I read your reply, but I think your signature quote was what I was actually meant to read...

LH tells me that I'm allowing a 12-year old (and NeverGuessed!) to dictate my life.

Well, okay then....

I do NOT know what qualities DD12 brings to this debate, but let me tell you...THAT NEVERGUESSED IS ONE POWERFUL SUMBITCH!

Since I choose to use my powers for good, not personal satisfaction, from here onward. I will no longer dictate your life(!) SM, but will attempt to dictate LH's.

It's too late, and I'm too tired, to dive into that right now, but tomorrow morning, I will commence my Svengali-like transformation of LongHaul.

I think I just pulled a muscle on that one!

She can hold her own.


I truly wish it would work. I would say that I'm insulted that he thinks I'm so weak-minded and easily swayed by all you "people on the internet". But that he thinks I'm weak-minded is obvious, and I haven't done much in the past to prove otherwise.

I'm certain that I'm going to live up to my screen name. Wish he would have.