Sunlove, that is great news!! A couple of suggestions. Stop talking about your marriage and the affairs. Just focus on giving each other undivided attention time meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship.

THAT will bring you peace of mind and happiness faster than anything else you do. And if you are happy in the present, your mind won't be going to the past.

I am somewhat concerned, though, when you say you are going to "work on yourself." What do you mean by this exactly?

Well since the discovery of my husbands second life/affairs I have questioned everything. My judgement, my level of trust in others, my core values ( marriage as a sacred commitment), my ability to forgive. I have also questioned my pattern of putting others before myself and to be honest some codependent activities-not just with WH- ( I have read Dr Harley ideas and agree the simple standards can not be applied to marriage...but too much of anything is not good (inappropriate balance between giver and taker).

I am committed to the quality time needed for the marriage and often really enjoy the time we spend together. But I need to clearly establish and communicate some of my own individual goals, pleasures, etc so that we can negotiate from a place of honesty. I am also determined to reconnect with my own spirituality and core principles. My marriage is important to me but nothing is more important to me than my relationship with GOD.

[quote=MelodyLane]

Sunlove, that is great news!! A couple of suggestions. Stop talking about your marriage and the affairs. Just focus on giving each other undivided attention time meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship.

THAT will bring you peace of mind and happiness faster than anything else you do. And if you are happy in the present, your mind won't be going to the past.



I know, deep down i know there will always be questions but its time to move past this phase.

I am afraid to not have something in place concrete to work on like counseling, the Marriage Builders work shop, Marriage retreat or something solid. It bothers me when my husband is behaving as if we can move.... on like nothing ever happened!!
He is looking at a program for sex/relationship addiction but has made no full commitment. Do you think any of these are good ideas .....or more importantly potential set backs?

I am struggling to not talk about the affairs or marriage. I am going to try to start by committing to 7 days without mentioning either. With success maybe I can move to 30 days. Any suggestions on how to better cope.

Update
-Nearly 6 months since my discovery date 10/18/2012

We continue to spend lots of time together. The recreational time - exercise( 3 to 4 days weekly for 2 hrs) and date nights have been the most helpful. In fact, we both agree that when we break routine my mood quickly declines. So it has been very fulfilling for him and healing for me. He has lost nearly 20lbs (so easy for men :()

We are gradually beginning to laugh. Which was always a strong point of our relationship previously.

It has not been easy. At times I still can not believe what happened or the cruelty of it all. But I must admit he has worked hard. He has not returned to the social club or that set of friends at all and continues to make his phone and computer open to me. He says that he is committed to that "never happening again" because it is so far from what he wanted for me or him and so sorry he hurt me.

We have decided to utilize the 5 steps to Romantic Love next month to have a more concrete plan.

With so many years of lies I just really want to be sure. I also see many who have discovered relapses or continues affairs. I am considering utilizing a monitoring device to hear his calls when he is working from vehicle.

At this point in our recovery would this be a violation of his trust?

Thanks for the update!

It is not a violation of trust because you have a right to know everything he does or says. This will help restore your trust in him and alleviate your fears. It is a great idea. And snooping is NOT subject to radical honesty. He should never be told you are snooping.

Has he eliminated opposite sex friendships and taken other steps to affair proof your marriage?

There has been much progress in that area.
1.He has eliminated contact/friendships with all female friends to my knowledge. We have agreed to discuss appropriate boundaries as situations/needs arise. He has also requested that I handle the female clients and calls for business if possible.

2. He was never a daily drinker but decided to give up alchohol New years day for the entire year even in social or special events. ( This alone has limited activities with negative friends to zero)

3. We have not traveled alone since DD. This was something we both did without a thought previously. In fact, I would often encourage him to get away to relax. To pass on a few events seemed strange to us both but we understand the principle and want to stick with the proven interventions.


With all the progress whats my concern?

Well, I will never trust so blindly again for one.

Secondly, I have never seen any withdrawal i hear so much written about. It makes me wonder. I would love if some of the WH's could give an opinion.

You shouldn't ever blind trust. You should trust but verify.

Are you still verifying NC?

[quote=BrainHurts]

Are you still verifying NC?


I have the password to his cell phone and i use wondershare monthly to review all the information(privately)

I also have passwords to both his personal cell and the business cell on line accounts to review the phone log, text, numbers etc.

I have not seen evidence of additional contact.

However,i realize that one could utilize other ways if determined like another cell, three way calling with a willing friend etc. I'm just finding it hard to believe a person could do something for several yrs and just stop suddenly.

Plan of action:
I have ordered a very small VAR currently on the way. Next month I will order a quality GPS. ( I need to budget and act as cool as possible to not arise alert in him)

Any other suggestions?

VAR and GPS are good and you've eliminated nights apart and following UA.

Does he use his phone in the house when you're not there or only his vehicle?

A VAR at home may be a good idea also. Can you account for 100% of his time?

He has in past used his phone greatly in the home when I was traveling frequently for work. I have some travel I must do in May so a home VAR my be a good idea.

He does communicate his daily schedule to me and checks in often. He is sensitive to the fact that is a very delicate area for me. He admitted during disclosure that the sexual activities primarily occurred during the day between appts and been talking to me during work for great lengths of time.

I really appreciate all the suggestions help. When you are so devastated and confused it is hard to make a plan. Even my WH has said (more than once) that he would have never thought to simply change to phone number- but feels it was the best thing.

If you have read my post it is obvious that I have been having some difficulty with triggers and forgiveness. I am getting better but it remains a fight.

I have been reading more in the Recovery section and trying to learn from others and the advice already given. Today I was brought to tears with greatfullness for what I found.

The support, encouragement and direction i find in MB is priceless!!!


You were in a fight
You did not start the fight
The fight is over
Now you are in the dressing room
They have removed your gloves
As they are cutting off the tape from your hands
You see your reflection in the mirror
The reflection shows a black eye, cut brow, split lip, bumps,
All of these will heal
Though they are too fresh to forget
Dwelling on this images makes you forget
That you left the OM on his back in the ring
You walked out on your own two feet

Recovery is a 2 to 5 year process.

Something non infidelity happened to me. It took me ten years to be able to drive past that place and not trigger.

This was not a war in the movies. You fought a war in real life. You received real injuries. Injuries heal.

Regarding the withdrawals, I can't answer that.
You can email dr Harley this question and he will answer it

sunlove,
Wondershare is a great program but I don't think that it catches deleted text messages. Fot that try this program decipher text

At the top bar it has a "recover" tab that will pull up ALOT, but not all deleted text messages.

IF you do start on the road to recovery will you have to continue to travel for your job and nights apart?

No. This is an event planned well over a year ago and breaking the commitment would cause a series of problems.

Previously I did have a second job which required me to travel about once every 30-60 days for a few nights. I left that job in November following the DD. I was overwhelmed and felt working on my marriage was best. In addition, this job was in retrospect a decision made by ME and would not have passed the POJA test so I know it is for the best.

Actually, wondershare does capture present and deleted messages (some). I also tried this program but did not get as much info. The programs available all only capture some because deleted space is typed over as new text is created

Good.

Sun, that is good to know; thanks. I found the interface for decipher much better when it comes to text msg's.

Had a difficult day today with triggers. Recent family loss/death has set off many feelings of loss in general.

And again I can found an awesome source here at MB

Link
Managing Memories and Dealing With Triggers

Also found this on another site:

A: There is no set time line. On the average it's 1-2 years to heal from betrayal. 3-5 years is not out of the norm. Below is a general guide, not everyone heals in the same amount of time as others, there are variables to consider in each individual's situation. It's a rollercoaster ride, emotionally and physically, but I promise you - you can and will survive. But, you will never be the same and that's not always a bad thing. D-day to 6 months is devastation; you're done with life, in shock and sick at heart. You are raw emotionally and never knew such despair could be felt.

6-9 months are full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable.

9-12 months you can actually go about 15 minutes without thinking about "it." One morning I stepped out of the shower and realized that I hadn't thought of the affair yet. But sadly, those times were few and far between. You're still up and down emotionally.

Then at 12 months, sobbing again with the disappointment in your spouses selfishness

14 months you are able to have a heartfelt happy moment.

18 months the incredible crush of despair is gone. You wake up one morning and realize that the A was something that happened, not something that is happening.

20 months you no longer feel like your world is in danger. Trusting again, with your heart if not with your brain. Constantly questioning your own feelings but you realize it is fear stalking you now, not danger.

22 months you can see a future. You don't cry at the drop of a hat. You can watch television without falling apart at a love scene. Actually feeling almost back to your normal self. You finally loose that sense of being "outside" yourself. The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great at five weeks and then you hit the bottom of the well at 12 weeks. You can be raging at 10 months with a horrible anger that never appeared early on.

One day at a time...keep moving....



Placed the VAR....praying for the best