I was really shocked to find my marriage was on display here. I do get the concept and agree with a lot of what is being talked about here and will be willing to interact with all who have posted. My problem for those who are willing to help with starts with two of our sons that have been addicted to heroin and other drugs for the past five years.

Living with my wife who I do love very much and have hurt deeply, I had to cope with her decision to enable our now 23 and 25 year old sons has caused great damage to our business, us finacially, emotionally, and has not allowed us to be a couple. My 4 year old daughter has been exposed to the boys being arrested, passed out on heroin, have been left to be watched while on heroin. She even snuck up behind me in the bathroom as I strip searched one son who had multiple needles and drugs.

Now keep in mind my wife is a wonderful mother but was and is in denial and couldn't let them live on the streets. I did leave out that she was also addicted to pills during this period and I was the only sober person in our home there besides my daughter. I wanted out 4 months ago because of all of this but stayed and gave my wife the ultimadum to quit taking pills. Of course she said she would but never did. And I knew getting my daughter would be hard and we both love her so much...

Now if anyone here understands opiate addition and or the drug lorazepan which slows brain activity down you can bet having a conversation is interesting. My wife was NON RESPONSIVE emotionally and phyically. Now, I know this doesn't justify paying for sex outside our marriage, I'm far from perfect and only know one man who walked the earth who was. So I'm on board with the open honesty and will be willing to take a poly, get counseling, a mentor and work real hard at saving my 27 year marriage. I failed to mention we own a business with 50 employees and over 400 customers Which is my responsibility to maintain. No stress here people.....

I need help too....Oh yeah and thank you all who have participated in helping my wife as this is so hard for both of us.

P.S I�m up reaaly late doing Steve�s homework

Welcome to MB.

Can you please copy this post and start your own thread?

We usually ask husband and wives to refrain from posting on each other's threads, so we can help each individual poster.

Can I remove this one I didn't know.

This is your thread now.

So homealone, how about an update and get things going here?

So we separated two weeks ago I have my own place and she has our home. I was super nervous because I left the home and my four year old daughter was there. She has been the only connection with love that I have had. What I mean is we have a very strong bond and can comfort each other.

So this last weekend I told my youngest son he could not live at our home with my daughter because he has an heroin addiction and had relapsed. Part of why I'm angry and upset with my wife is, she has enabled my two son's so much it damaged our relationship. Every time drama and conflict occurred she focussed on it as I did I just learned it's out of my hands. So because of my love for my wife I found myself caving and giving into helping and funding the addiction.

So the two people I love the most are in our home and my addict son moved in with me lol! You may think I'm the enabler but wait, I was able to get him away from them while in transition to getting his own place. So my wife and I attended a al-anon meeting last night together it was good. I went to one 4 years ago and didn't get much out of it. But last night I actually spoke getting out some of what is destroying me from the inside out.

I'm participating in discussions with Steve Harley and following his instructions. I added a Iphone find your friend app, contacted a counselor to work on me, and will be adding key-logger software to every computer I have. This is the first steps of working on my wife's love busters.

But what about me? I wrote some notes in a book today because I was feeling uncomfortable. I wrote "I think I need reassurance often. When I don't receive acceptance I become nervous and upset. I feel like my wife doesn't care and this hurts me". Now keep in mind what I'm feeling right now is how I always feel and have felt in my marriage. I get this now as we are separated and she doesn't respond but she never did.

So what do you think ? did I confuse you?

So my wife came by planted flowers in the front walkway of my rental house? Mixed messages here, is she trying to make it my new home?, or I thought it would be nice to add some color to your new house. Anyhow this is my make up, I moved out bought new furniture, kitchenware, painted the interior of the damn house almost put new carpet in lol.... I had a spa delivered before I moved in and had my landscaper is coming by to clean up the place. Kill weeds in the lawn, add flowers and lighting. Now when my wife came by with a flat of flowers I was excited because she actually is coming by to visit my daughter and I. But I know all of her hard work is for nothing normally. But I will not let my guy do anything to what she has done maybe only add water to it. ; )

I can tell you are 'all over the place' emotionally and psychologically. You need a plan! Instead of aimlessly wandering around, you need to start to focus and start a path.

You are counseling with Steve Harley?

I assume you mean the keylogger etc are so you have openness towards your wife?

And just to get to the point

You were married how long.?
How many kids?
Were the 2 boys from a previous marriage of yours? Or are they from you and your wife?
Was this your first Al-Anon meeting?

You say you came here to "find your marriage on display."

I missed this before it was it's own thread... what is your W's posting name?

I see a lot of talk about your sons being heroin addicts, and your wife having pill problems... but this thread is in SAA. Who had an affair?

Have you read this, Homealone?
Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn

Does this apply here?

Are you sure you want to present yourself as this childish? Your wife is not your mother. You will not find your manhood looking under skirts.

Are you a Christian man?

Yes married, this is our 29th year. Our first pregnancy we lost twin boys we were not married at the time really young. This brought us closer together and we have a strong bond because of this. We have 3 sons 23,25,27 and a four year old blessing from heaven all from us together. We have been through many trials in our lives and always push trough.

Son one is in college and working full-time Son two and three are heroin addicts, one is in rehab I have zero contact with the younger one I asked to leave today. We have been doing this for 7 years and I get sick just thinking about it.

This was my first Al-anon meeting and I spoke regarding another persons pain with her daughter she is going through the same thing we are right now. Steve advised to get more help along with Al-anon. I have an appointment Wednesday next week.

I installed the key-logger software on all my computers and downloaded find friend app on iPhone

I just need advise on dealing with the range of emotions. One minute I'm okay the next I feel in crisis? Now the man in me says quit crying and get over, but I think that's what got me here lol! I just miss my best friend who I know I hurt.

Ahhhhhhhh the emotions.

Every emotion is temporary. Once you incorporate this into your thinking, you gain the upper hand. The positive and the negative emotions are both temporary.
Emotions are real, but not factual. Recognizing this frees you from acting on your emotions. Just experience them, and know you do not necessarily have to do anything based on the emotion of the moment.

One technique to "deal with" the emotional roller coaster is to require (of yourself) a daily entry onto a "gratitude" list. Just start a list, and add one different gratitude every day. In a month, you will have 30 things you feel grateful for, in a year 365 things. This is easily done with a daily email to yourself where you add to the gratitude list. You do not need to limit yourself to only one thing a day.

If you don't like the view inside your head, change the scenery. Drive a different route.

A real good friend said " get on your knees" The path is changing as I have made steps to change my route. This weekend was another one for the books. My wife and I own a business and our youngest son we enabled to be employed for us relapsed on heroin and totaled another car Saturday, he ran into two of our employees cars. After many years my wife said she is ready to move forward and let him hit the streets. But spoke with her tonight and she's talking with him. She will make plans to again help him.

This is just why it's good we are separated because I can't and will not go down that road anymore. 6.5 years of being a prisoner in my own home I know have control over who comes to my house. As our family falls apart today I can only hope we all realize Graditude as you put it. I think a good dose of humility is just what the doctor ordered. I will take my medicine as I can only pray the rest of my family will do the same. I have not slept in two weeks maybe 2 or 3 hours a night.

You said you're coaching with Steve. What has he told you about cleaning up your side of the street?

Are you in AlAnon?

I have attended Al-anon with my wife for our 23, and 25 year old sons who are heroin addicts. Cleaning up my street starts with transparency. I am working to do what he asks me to do. I have contacted spiritual counsel and a therapist to explore my distructive behavior. Today I am grateful for wife ! Tonight I have my four year old daughter we painted rainbows and went on a long bike ride to a local golf course to easter egg hunt golf balls. Today was a good day ; ) Started it with a prayer..... Tuesday I will start with a prayer as well and hope for the best!!!!!

I am sorry about your son. I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

You said:


I just saw this on another thread. Maybe it will be helpful.





So how does this apply to you?

I never had an affair with anyone I paid for massages with happy endings. I don't where this fits in but I know Infidelity is Infidelity. I had thought about starting an affair because I needed more emotional attention but could never do it because my heart is and will always be with my wife. I could never emotionally separate from her but I acted out being immoral by porn and soliciting only. Im okay with the full disclosure part, I'm ashamed of myself and that not only did I hurt her deeply I hurt myself as well. But I also feel that the healing has to be for me first. I made the bad choices and spiritually need to find my way back.

The seeking help was my wife's idea at first and dealing with our two sons and what they have done I need help. Steve said it would be a good idea as well. I slept over at my wife's house last night and I had to charge my phone so I unplugged her phone and two texts popped up. One was from our middle son who is in rehab right now. It read he needed gas money to go to court. Now the last time he went to court he tried to contact her and we discussed no more help or contact. Now earlier that afternoon we just dropped off son three to go to another city for rehab. And now son two is coming back into the picture and my wife still doesn't get that if she doesn't stop the enabling ( no safety net ) the destructive behavior will continue. We are separated and this helps me because I have chosen tuff love for no less than a year maybe two. They are 23 and 25 and can't take care of themselves yet hmmmmm? I can't imagine why???????

I would love a copy of your book but not sure about the address thing can I send it private? And thank you for your post....

That letter above was written to another poster in a private letter.

Today I'm grateful for prayer.....