So last summer I found that my wife had been cheating on me over the internet with a couple guys over the past year (and also 5 years ago as well), and before that five years she was virtually/emotionally involved on the internet with someone else, she never physically cheated on me but I was devastated (still am).
We have two wonderful kids and they are settled. We went to counseling and got through this, she turned a corner and gave up those ways and has kept that promise to me as far as I know. She does still talk to various guys on the internet and through Facebook including an old boyfriend, she constantly tells me that there is nothing going on with any of these people and I have no suspicion as to say there is something going on but I am constantly worried about there is and it really concerns me. She had mentioned to me once where one of these guys had said something really mean to her as she started seeing this other guy, he knew what was going on but obviously I did not, and after it all went down where she dumped him for this other guy last year she said to him that he said what he said and he truly meant it because he said it and he couldn't take it back, he said it for a reason and he really meant it otherwise he wouldn't have said it.
That leads me to the things she had said to this last guy that I found out after doing some snooping and fully confronting her with this online affair, they talked about options they had to meet and see if they loved each other and I wasn't what she wanted anymore, and once when this first came out she said she was with me and not him, but then a couple weeks later she contacted him again and said things like "I was trying to me with him(me)", "I dont want to not be friends with you(OM)", she also once broke down in tears to me and said "you do realize this wasn't just an infatuation" (really meaning she was in love with him and not me) and detrimental things about me and the way I wasn't meeting any of her needs, in reference to the things she said, so much later I brought up the double standard she gave that other guy in saying if he really said those things he meant them, and why does that not apply to the things she said, she said she wasn't living in reality and wasn't thinking straight, I cant seem to get over this bit and need advice on it. I am pretty old fashioned and am very loyal but I need to be with someone who loves me for me, and not just is with me because I love them and we have kids.

One other thing that drives me crazy is the sex we have is very one way and she never seeks it out, it is specifically me that needs it, but I found out that she did virtual sessions with these other guys, so she obviously has a need for this type of interaction but isn't really engaged in the activity with me, it could obviously be because she no longer feels that way for me even though she says that isn't the case. I try to push her to talk about the things she did with these guys so we can maybe do those, even flirting with her online or over text just doesn't happen, I try but it just falls on deaf fingers and its ignored or not reciprocated (kinda like the physical act), am I wrong to push for wanting to know what activities she had with these guys online to try and get some excitement into the bedroom, she says its not something she wants to talk about and it would only make things worse. Any ideas?

Welcome to MB.

Have you read all the threads in this?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Yes, we went through most of those steps together, we actually found the MB site separately and did the emotional needs questionnaires etc...

My inquiry is more about seeking advice about pressing on knowing certain things she isn't comfortable discussing as she feels they wouldn't help. Amongst other questions in the text.

Foray,

Your wife has some very troubling activities. In no way, shape, or form should be conversing with ANY male outside of you without you being in attendence. Do you understand that? Its central to saving your lousy marriage.

Next, your are to demand all information sexual, textual (?), or otherwise that went on between your wife and her multiple suitors. Once you get it, you never ask about it again. If you are not able to get satisfied with her answers, you are to schedule a polygraph, but thats after youve exhausted the earlier avenues.

Stop doing anything that her boyfriends did to get her going. If she liked the sexting, Id never do that. Id find other things that could spark the bedroom activity. I laid out conditions, called Emotional Needs here, that she was to provide if we were to survive my wives cheating. Numero uno was action in the bedroom. Now, over the last 2 years that has improved 1000 percent. And, when it slows down (for any reason), I get bad feelings. The difference is now I tell her right away, Im not happy and why and we get closer.

Your wife is still in a fantasy land where she believes a couple animals behind a keyboard are better options than you. You should shut down her facebook, load a GSP in her car, and get a keystroke tracker on her cell. Again, these are conditions and precautions for your marriage.

I have many issues remaining in my marriage 2 years later but communication is not one of them.

Improve the communication and much of the other stuff will improve.

Who did you expose to?

Were any of her OM married?

Just to each other and the other men. No noone of them were/are married.

And Mike, thank you for your comments, I agree with you on most points, not sure I agree with you about the never talk to another male comment, while online and playing games online inevitably she will talk to a guy or girl for that matter.

foray

One of the Basic Principals of MB is not to have ANY of these personal relationships with people of the opposite sex that dont directly include your spouse. Once an affair (EA or PA) is uncovered, this is super important. What other kind of compensation can she provide to you to assure you that this wont happen again.

In the beginning, the BS sometimes wants to look like they are not trying to control the WS as that might chase them off. Honestly, fighting for your marriage may be the most attractive thing that you can do for her.

Extraordinary Precautions are the boundaries that will keep you SAFE, not keep her from getting angry. They protect your marriage not her feelings.

You have to figure out what it is that you want in the marriage and then let the vets help you develop an action plan to get it. Listen to them!!! They know much more than you or I about this subject

Foray,

I might be brand new and I am sure others will correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm going to say it anyway because as a woman I think it's true. Women consider talking extremely intimate. Talking is always what leads women away. Always.

Also, I can tell you as a woman that she does not respect you even a teeny bit. I don't think she will either, until you take action to stop this stuff. How could she love and respect a man who doesn't REALLY care if she carries on talking and spending recreational time with other guys?

A recovering alcoholic does not go to the bar under any circumstances.
A key rule for marital recovery following an affair is to remove the conditions that made the affair possible.
Your wife is having cyber sex with strangers on the Internet and you are the first to defend her right to use the Internet?

Disconnect Internet service today and get a cheap cellphone without Internet.
Don't enable her self destructive behavior

Online affairs are really not much different than porn. Would you let her look at Playgirl magazine if she had an online porn addiction? NOOOOO!!!!! Then why let her have an online friendship if she has poor boundaries with online men?

Foray,

My inquiry is more about seeking advice about pressing on knowing certain things she isn't comfortable discussing as she feels they wouldn't help.

1)WW masterbated/used toys with these OM, and had no desire for you as a result. There may be OW as well.

2)WW shared photos/video with these OM, which are still out there.

3)If she went somewhere without you, with a cute story about going to see a sick relative or such, in actuality WW met up with one of the OM. Think back.

4)Some of the OM are married and WW knows who they are and where they live, WW has to give them up, sorry when you rob a bank you don't get to keep the money when caught.

5)Friends of WWs who were in the know and supported WW have to be disassociated with.

6)She has to confess all of the above if you are to have an honest relationship going forward. Secrets are poison to a marriage!

God Bless
Gamma

Your first step is exposure.
You need to expose her affairs to family and friends, and church if you belong to one
If you know who these strangers are on the Internet (she may not even know) then do background checks and expose to their wives and spouses also. If they are teenagers expos� to their parents.

You should not tell your wife of the exposure. Just do it all
In one day.

There is an Exposure thread.
Read it and FOLLOW it!

1)WW masterbated/used toys with these OM, and had no desire for you as a result.
I do not know for sure, but I believe so, however she doesnt want to talk about this

2)WW shared photos/video with these OM, which are still out there.
They shared some photos, just headshots, nothing else but those were deleted when I found them

3)If she went somewhere without you, with a cute story about going to see a sick relative or such, in actuality WW met up with one of the OM. Think back.
I dont think so these people are very far away

4)Some of the OM are married and WW knows who they are and where they live, WW has to give them up, sorry when you rob a bank you don't get to keep the money when caught.
They arent married, just single.

5)Friends of WWs who were in the know and supported WW have to be disassociated with.
She acted alone in this Im fairly positive.

6)She has to confess all of the above if you are to have an honest relationship going forward. Secrets are poison to a marriage!
She did confess to having these affairs, and specifically to one I had no knowledge about 5 years or so ago... that relationship just ended

Foray,

There are very specific steps to ending affair(s) and recovering a marriage.

Step 1. End the affair and commit to no contact forever with the affair partner(s). Write and send a no contact letter, with your approval. Expose the affair. You said you have children who are settled. I assume that means your children are adults. Tell them what their mother has been doing. How do you know that the other men were single? Because your wife, the cheating liar, told you or because you verified this by online searches?

Step 2. Eliminate all the conditions that made the affair possible. In your wife's case, that means no access to the internet without you sitting by her elbow watching her type.

Step 3. Recover your marriage by eliminating lovebusters and meeting each other's emotional needs. Read the book, "Surviving an Affair". Spend a minimum of 20 hours a week in meeting each other's critical emotional needs of intimate conversation, recreational companionship, affection and sexual fulfillment.

Welcome to MB!

AM

Your marriage is in the tank because you're married to a serial cheater. Unless/until you get that stopped, the marriage will keep getting worse.

Listen to these experts that know how to kill an affair. You MUST bring it into the open. These things thrive on secrecy. Once they are exposed, they whither and die. Hopfully along with the desire to cheat but that will only happen if you make the marriage fullfilling for both of you and she builds boundaries that make it impossible for this to happen again (or worse).

If you are interested in EVER recovering your marriage, she will have to "give up those ways." She has not. She has had many affairs on the internet and continues to have affairs. When you are serious about recovering your marriage, you will put a stop to this. But if you don't, she will eventually leave you for one of these guys.

The first steps in recovering a marriage are to end all contact with the affair partner and to eliminate the environment that led to the affair. Your marriage got hit by a car playing chicken. And what do you do? You continue to play chicken. Why? If you are serious about recovering your marriage, you and your wife have to get out of the road.

That means she ends ALL opposite sex friendships, deletes any social networking memberships, never plays computer games, and is NEVER on the computer unless you are there with her.

You have never even taken the first steps in recovering your marriage. Are you interested in recovering your marriage? We can help you with first steps if you are serious.

Do they have planes, cars, boats and trains in your country? In my part of the world, I can be 1200 miles away in 3 hours. Do you have that capability in your country? If they do, there is nothing stopping any of these OM from flying/driving to your town and hooking up with your serial cheater wife.

That's it?
That's what you want advice about?

OK.
Yes. You should press to know the facts.

The POLICY OF RADICAL HONESTY

*link* to the 'PORH' basic MB concept


Next question?

I am scratching my head in amazement. What kind of a husband puts up with this threat to his marriage? Your complacent approach reflects a lack of caring and interest. You come across as a husband who cares very little about his marriage.

Do you want to change this?