Well after reading about the horror that is 'planAprincess' current reality....back to revisit EP's, re-tool our MB focus and attention to detail... or... just...well...I won't say it...


Damn it.


This is my biggest fear.

Don't be fearful if you follow this program. Be fearful if you cut corners. If you cut corners on EP's a repeat affair is likely. If you cut corners on the basic concepts, resentment and unhappiness is likely.

See that is just it. I hope we aren't cutting corners. Maybe we are and we are just missing something...Thinking strongly about looking closely at the on-line program.

EP's in place and UA time in numbers has been there the last 3 weeks. We have had some wonderful times. However, I am having a hard time enthusiastically meeting her EN's. I admit that.


Last night she initiated SF and I just kind of freaked for some reason. (well I do know why..bad memories jumped into my brain) I stopped it, rolled over and went to sleep. She didn't say anything about it and neither did I.

20-

Buck up, my brother.

Our wives have created a new normal for us, you either adjust to it (and thrive) or you dont (and live a life of general malaise). I get your pain, I do. I get not fully able to trust. This is the same woman who sat across from you so many times at dinner with your kids there not long after doing things with another guy that makes your stomach turn. She did it with no sign of anxiety, stress, or GUILT. Mine too.

I like to think my wife was stuck in this lousy thing and had no way to get out. Leaving him may have raised flags about their relationship (he was our friend) and then she may have been out an affair partner and her husband. Plus many other addiction like factors.

Stay focused, work the program, let her love you and continue to prove that what she did was nothing more than a major F-up.

I always rise (eh-hem) to the occasion when she starts the SF session. I could be mired in a bit of a depression, but I feel when we are engaged in it, I take away another piece of what he once claimed. Every session makes her more mine. By denying her the opportunity to give you this or better, share this with you, you put the affair in the forefront and that's bad.

It aint going away no matter what you do so its probably best to adjust to the new normal she made for you two.

I agree with everything you are saying. I think last night freaked both of us out as that is the first time I have reacted this way..ever.

Staying focused on the program is what we are doing but man it is discouraging when you read other's stories about breach of NC.

No 3rd chance for my W. THAT you can write in stone.

We are the luckiest type of BH in that we have wives apparently fully on-board with meeting our needs and about as remorseful as a person can get who commited a major affront to another. We are not chasing down our wives like some other poor guys are faced with.

Im trying to take this opportunity to make ME better.

I excercise more, Ive taken on some entreprenuerial opportunities I may not have earlier, Ive spent more time with the kids, and tried to be a better husband to her. Ive read a bunch of books in the last year and a half.

More than anything else, I made darn sure I will not be the victim ever again. I have protected myself from an affair. She has lived up to her end of the deal as well. I like to think this feeling of security did not exist before and thus made what she did possible. I think being secure in one's self is something women find attractive so after the initial couple of months of whimpering and sobbing, I decided "I AM THE MAN", and if she wants me, SHE'LL have to show me why. Not me crying over the 'whyfors?' and 'whatifs?'.

For too long I got used, it ended on 5/8/11. I gave her the choice to come along on the ride and laid out ground rules. She took the co-pilot seat gladly.

You and I need to play a mind-game. To win you must push aside what your wife did as irrelevant to your future. You lose if you cant shake the bad images and memories. Some say it can take 2 years to really feel like a winner.

Why did you take off the 'put 10 people in a room' that your mother shared with you off your signature? I really liked it. Have mentioned that quote a couple of times in conversation.

I think you and I have some things in common.

Having a truly remorseful W is something I do not take for granted. Many BS�s on this board would be eternally grateful to be where we are at. And, I appreciate it.

As you said, making ME better is the best thing that has come out of this experience. I have posted to others on this board about self-improvement and the satisfaction that results. I truly am a better, stronger person. The guy I always wanted to be.

Pushing away what she did as irrelevant to our future may happen in time. And, I hope that to be the case. Right now we are doing pretty good overall. She is GREAT when I am great and down when I am down. Very reactive to my state of mind.

300+ people came to my father�s funeral in 1991. I was 21 at the time and was just blown away by the number of people whom I had never met in my life which shared their individual stories with me of how my father impacted their lives in a positive way. He was truly an anomaly and a 1 in a million.

That is what I aspire to be. Someone others can look up to and respect. That is what I want my children to see. That is what I want my wife to see. Someone they can look up to and respect but also be gentle and loving.

That is what I am achieving. This experience brought me to my knees but I feel STRONG now. But, also cautious at the same time.

You know what they say. Fool me once, shame on you..Fool me twice, shame on ME, Fool me a third time�well there won�t be another chance to Fool me again. I got fooled 2 times already...you do the math.

I am giving her the chance to prove herself worthy of our little family and she is taking the R bull by the horns.

"New Normal" excellent choice of words!
20-
MSS is so right, since we can't un-ring that bell, having the MB plan allows us concentrate through the noise in our racing minds.
You are spot on double checking if you have cut any corners.
I tried to skip a step, having to go back now and correct it.
Day by day , step by "every" step!

20yearhistory, how are you doing?

Do you ever listen to the radio show?

Things are going pretty well. Thank you for asking.

The UA time is making all the difference now. This and forcing myself to stay in the present without bringing up the past. We are getting 1 date night a week. Clearmind continues to be amazing and taking my down moments with patience and love.

They are becoming fewer, further apart and less intense when they hit. I really think we are healing. Now that I am feeling safer with her, my guard is starting to come down a bit. I am falling back in love with her.

Need to start listening to the radio program.

Thank you for helping us focus on the now and kicking me in the tail about UA time.

I get it.

Great!! And you do know that ONE date night will not do the trick, right? Can you get that up to 3 or 4?

By the way, I so loved your very articulate post yesterday on the "I told you so" thread. You have such depth along with the ability to articulate your points. I really appreciated that post. As you can tell, that whole situation has really torn me up because I worry about that woman.

I am beginning to believe Dr. Harley has voodoo dolls for those who implement his SAA plan and take his recommendation for UA time seriously.

After 4 weeks of really concentrating on UA time, all of a sudden, I am much more enthusiastic about meeting her needs and spending time together. We are falling back in love. There so much less �general unrest� in our relationship. Not na�ve enough to think there won�t be many down times around the corner�but things are really starting to go well for us.

Is there a spell on me? haha..

Dang it! I thought we were doing GREAT with 1 date night a week. Leave it to you to push us!

Voodoo Dolls. I love it! Yeah, that's the central part of the recipe. It's important that it's "quality time", but even more important that the time is simply there. Sometimes we're just hanging out barefoot together reading on our computers & playing footsies. Sometimes we're engaged in deep conversation. Sometimes we're reading Facebook posts aloud to each other or eating out at a restaurant or watching a movie or taking long walks or taking short walks or working on sprinklers together or cooking breakfast together or her applying dressing to my wounds after a bike crash or holding hands while driving cross-country or snuggling together watching our boy play soccer or....
...
...
you get the point!

Any BS's reading this thread...no guarantees but there is hope for full R after an A. We are still a work in progress but our R is still moving forward.

I asked her to expose the A to the children this weekend as they had never been told. It had been eating me up and I was very proud of how she handled it.

Our 7yr old son, didn't know how to react..think it scared him. He is very mature for his age and didn't want to talk about it. We stressed our intentions for the future in mommy and daddy working things out to keep our family whole.

Our 5yr old daughter seemed to have difficulty processing things.

In the end, it was evidence again that my FWW is here to play ball for real. I also hope it will be an example to the children that even under great adversity..vows are vows. Promises count and people can overcome great trials when we work together.

We had a wonderful weekend with lots of UA time. Got a beautiful hotel room Saturday night..great dinner and comedy club coupled with good conversation.

Still working hard to get our UA time in week in week out but difficult task for sure. However, we know it isn't an option to slack off on UA.

Good job, you two!!

What Dr. H needs is voodoo dolls for those who DON'T get in their UA time!!!!

LOL

We are trying to come to an agreement about one-on-one meetings with people of the opposite sex as it applies to my profession and EP's.

Is it acceptable to have business meetings with opposite sex professionals to discuss business matters if I do not discuss personal matters with them? FWW and I are discussing the pros/cons and how to make both of us comfortable with these scenarios while affair-proofing our M.

My profession is as a Business Development Director. The easy answer would just be no. However, my career has been built on this path.

My understanding from Dr Harley is that there should be no friends of the opposite sex however POJA would apply to this scenario.

Thinking about email the radio show to get his input.

20year, my position is Regional Sales Manager for a soft drink company so I am in a similar position. My career is calling on mostly men and almost 95% of my coworkers are male. My H also has female coworkers and employees. The EPs that we have in place are:

1. no personal conversations

2. no lunches or dinners alone

3. no traveling with coworkers

Dr Harley advocates against personal relationships with the members of the opposite sex so when I am conducting business I steer clear of any personal discussion. And the same with male coworkers. Dr Harley has mentioned this same thing in his own career. He keeps it to business discussion only and does not discuss his personal life.

Even so, it always comes back to what your spouse comfortable.

p.s. Lunch only becomes touchy when I am out doing a store tour with a sales manager. I typically will invite a store manager to join us for lunch. If that can't happen, then we have a working lunch at Taco Bell to recap the mornings findings. Otherwise, I don't lunch one on one with male coworkers or clients.