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I'm new to this forum and writing for some advice about what to do as it is still very painful.
I have been married 12 years to my wife and have 3 children. Although we have normal maritial issues such as time away, communication, and difference on amount of sex per week; we had a very good marriage. I'm still in love with her and she states the same to me. I still have physcial attraction as well. There have been no infidelities before this event and I do believe her on this. We are both above average in attractiveness. I'm very successful but manage to work only 40-50 hours per week.
Three we ago, we were out at a pub crawl event with numerous people, many of which we had met that day. The last bar everyone was dancing but pretty harmless dancing in my mind. At the end of the night we ended back at someone house for food and hanging out. My wife was very drunk but in control of her actions and no blacking out. She basically followed a guy that she had talked with a little bit throughout the night to a back room. She disappeared for 5-10 min and I went back to look for her. In the back room the lights were off which I turned on and found them fumbling around in shock. Turns out she was making out with this guy (I did not see any of it), clothes all on, and nothing more than kissing occured.
There was a heated conversation between us the rest of that night, followed by my staying away from the house for 3 nights, separate beds for another 4 nights, and still little physical contact. We have seen a therapist for three sessions which has been helpful but three weeks into this I'm still in extreme pain. We are working through the book 'Getting Past the Affiar' which is also helpful. I still love her but I'm still embarassed, angry, shocked, lost trust, etc. If you knew her, this is someone you would never expect to do something. She is extremely upset that she did this and cried for 3 days after it happened. I still have images of her following him back and turning off the lights, upset she did this, angry that our marriage is forever changes. She wants to limit talking about it as it upsets her but I feel like without talking about it we can't move forward.
I need any advice from others that have gone through this. I want to make it work but not sure that will be possible if I can't forgive and move forward. I still need the why's answered which she has not done just stating she doesn't know why it happened and blames being drunk. She states that it would have never happened if she wasn't drunk and that "I don't know why I did it" None of these are acceptable to me. She also states that she got butterflies a while it happened and doesn't know why she did it. I don't know where else to go, what to do, how to make the images go away, how to stop blaming myself for not stopping it and letting her drink that much. Feeling that I should get even to make me feel better, getting a lawyer and separating (I will get taken to the cleaners given she is a stay at home Mom). I feel that she is moving on but I just can't do it yet. We had sex once since and it was just terrible when previously it very very good. There are others out there that would love to be with me and would be faithful but there are kids involved. Would love any thoughts, resources, books, etc.
Thank for any help!
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I'm new to this forum and writing for some advice about what to do as it is still very painful.
I have been married 12 years to my wife and have 3 children. Although we have normal maritial issues such as time away, communication, and difference on amount of sex per week; we had a very good marriage. I'm still in love with her and she states the same to me. I still have physcial attraction as well. There have been no infidelities before this event and I do believe her on this. We are both above average in attractiveness. I'm very successful but manage to work only 40-50 hours per week.
Three we ago, we were out at a pub crawl event with numerous people, many of which we had met that day. The last bar everyone was dancing but pretty harmless dancing in my mind. At the end of the night we ended back at someone house for food and hanging out. My wife was very drunk but in control of her actions and no blacking out. She basically followed a guy that she had talked with a little bit throughout the night to a back room. She disappeared for 5-10 min and I went back to look for her. In the back room the lights were off which I turned on and found them fumbling around in shock. Turns out she was making out with this guy (I did not see any of it), clothes all on, and nothing more than kissing occured.
There was a heated conversation between us the rest of that night, followed by my staying away from the house for 3 nights, separate beds for another 4 nights, and still little physical contact. We have seen a therapist for three sessions which has been helpful but three weeks into this I'm still in extreme pain. We are working through the book 'Getting Past the Affiar' which is also helpful. I still love her but I'm still embarassed, angry, shocked, lost trust, etc. If you knew her, this is someone you would never expect to do something. She is extremely upset that she did this and cried for 3 days after it happened. I still have images of her following him back and turning off the lights, upset she did this, angry that our marriage is forever changes. She wants to limit talking about it as it upsets her but I feel like without talking about it we can't move forward.
I need any advice from others that have gone through this. I want to make it work but not sure that will be possible if I can't forgive and move forward. I still need the why's answered which she has not done just stating she doesn't know why it happened and blames being drunk. She states that it would have never happened if she wasn't drunk and that "I don't know why I did it" None of these are acceptable to me. She also states that she got butterflies a while it happened and doesn't know why she did it. I don't know where else to go, what to do, how to make the images go away, how to stop blaming myself for not stopping it and letting her drink that much. Feeling that I should get even to make me feel better, getting a lawyer and separating (I will get taken to the cleaners given she is a stay at home Mom). I feel that she is moving on but I just can't do it yet. We had sex once since and it was just terrible when previously it very very good. There are others out there that would love to be with me and would be faithful but there are kids involved. Would love any thoughts, resources, books, etc.
Thank for any help! Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain. Have you read the threads in here? Start Here First-Welcome Aboard Is the OM married? Is your WW an alcoholic?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Oct 2000
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she doesn't know why it happened and blames being drunk. She states that it would have never happened if she wasn't drunk and that "I don't know why I did it" None of these are acceptable to me. I'm wondering what would be 'acceptable' to you? That is a real question, not rhetorical. Welcome to MB.Have you taken the time to read the BASIC CONCEPTS?
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De stroyed,
My advice is to stop going on "pub crawls" and getting drunk with a bunch of people you don't know. Find something nice to do alone with your wife. Go on couple's dates rather than heading over to people's houses when you are already drunk.
MB advice:
1. Your wife should never see or talk to this man again. It he is married, his wife should be informed about what happened.
2. Change the environment that led to the conditions for the affair, i.e avoid getting drunk.
3. Build a passionate marriage by spending a minimum of 15-20 hours a week meeting the four critical emotional needs of affection, recreational companionship, intimate conversation and sexual fulfillment.
Welcome to MB. There is alot of good information here. Take a look at the basic concepts.
AM
Last edited by armymama; 04/06/13 07:30 PM.
BW - 73
WH - 68
M - 43 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Hi destroyed, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. I would suggest getting the book Surviving an Affair and following the program in it. There is a very narrow path back after an affair and if you don't follow these steps, your marriage won't recover. The program involves affair proofing your marriage followed by a step by step plan to restore the romantic love in your marriage. The only program that gives you such a plan is Marriage Builders, in the book Surviving an Affair, by Dr Willard Harley, clinical psychologist. Marriages that don't follow this plan typically end up in a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage. The program is outlined in this article: "The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance. <snip> Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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...My wife was very drunk but in control of her actions and no blacking out.
Pub crawls? Are you still in college?
Why not set a higher bar for your wife & for yourself? Do you love each other enough to stay out of bars for a year? For even a month?
You want help? It's in your hands: Extricate yourselves from the bar-hopping subculture, permanently. It's not conducive to healthy marriages. (That ain't rocket-science.)
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Very fair point. She put herself on a two drink limit if going out-with or without me
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Very fair point. She put herself on a two drink limit if going out-with or without me How about a zero drink limit and staying away from bars? And not going out without you? All of your leisure time should be spent together. The solution to infidelity is to remove the environment that led to the affair. In her case it is drinking and hanging out in bars. Besides that, married people don't have any business hanging out in bars.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Very fair point. She put herself on a two drink limit if going out-with or without me Your wife should not be going out to bars (or socializing in general) without you. This should be agreed upon by both of you.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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You are grown ups with 3 children, after all. It's not like you are college kids anymore. Hanging out in bars at your age and place in life is not very appropriate. And it almost destroyed your marriage. Why take that kind of chance with your marriage again?
If you get hit by a car playing chicken, do you get out of the road or do you try to become a better chicken player? I think getting out of the road is the wisest course of action unless you want to experience this again.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Time for a lifestyle change, de-stroyed...or your family will be de-stroyed.
You mentioned that you and your wife were already in therapy. Be very careful as most therapists fail to help recover marriages. Rather, read the Marriage Builders literature. I'd start with Dr. Willard Harley's book "His Needs/Her Needs" and then read "Love Busters" after that one. The subtitle of "His Needs, Her Needs" is "Affair proofing your marriage," and that is relevant to your situation I have a feeling the book will address many of the other issues you and your wife experienced leading up to the recent event. The book will be eye-opening and will shift your view on marriage. It's very powerful stuff. Do the exercises in the book with your wife. In addition, read the articles on this site, especially the basic concepts.
Your comment about both of you being above average with looks and status is a concern. When it comes to marriage, none of that should have any bearing. You both need to establish barriers with the opposite sex and avoid independent behavior.
Read, read, read. Educate yourselves. This recent incident may be a blessing if it creates in you both a change in your marriage based on Marriage Builders concepts.
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So, the 2 of you were at this house together and she went off with the POSOM? She was definitly NOT in control of her actions... unless this has happened before and she thought she could get away with it again.
Me - BH 49 years old
Her - WW 43 years old
Married 20 years
D Day Jan 7, 2013
3 kids - DS19, DS17, DS12
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If you knew her, this is someone you would never expect to do something. Oh how many times we've heard that. Poor boundaries means you SHOULD expect this to happen. Having been around here and having heard that so many times I think you'll find there is more to your story than just this. There almost always is. It strikes a chord that she'd do this knowing you were in the same place as her. Like it was time to step up the game just a little bit because now it was more dangerous (hence the butterflies). There are some things (many things) in your M that are fundamental to a good M that are missing ( Romantic love, Boundaries, Radical Honesty, etc.). You two need this place or you'll never survive.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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Thanks for the advise. Things better but still some tough days. Despite some of the posts, I do truly believe this was the first incident in 15 yrs. I really don't think I'm a sucker on thinking this. Maybe that is what makes it so much harder to move on and forward. Needless to say, drinking nights like that will never be in her future again which she decided.
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Needless to say, drinking nights like that will never be in her future again which she decided. Maybe the drinking nights should not be in either of your futures?
Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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Okay, I have some of the same concerns as MrAlias. If your wife was willing to go off with this person right in front of you, what has she done behind your back? How often do you guys practice independent behavior and go out alone?
I know you want to trust your wife and truly believe that this was her first time. I hope for your sake it was. From now on you can trust but you must always verify!!!You and your wife are living a very dangerous and unhealthy marriage. If you dont make changes, this affair will not be the last one.
One last thought, this is going to haunt you forever if you and your wife just sweep it under the carpet. You both need to deal with it and talk about it. Yes, it makes her uncomfortable, good it should! Read MB, developed a plan to protect your marriage, and stop putting yourselves in situations that are dangerous to any marriage.
Last edited by fifteenyears; 04/27/13 10:31 AM.
Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11
Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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Thanks for the advise. Things better but still some tough days. Despite some of the posts, I do truly believe this was the first incident in 15 yrs. I really don't think I'm a sucker on thinking this. Maybe that is what makes it so much harder to move on and forward. Needless to say, drinking nights like that will never be in her future again which she decided.
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