Hello everyone. I am not sure if this is the best place for this post, so just let me know if I should repost elsewhere. Forgive me for still trying to learn the MB lingo.

The basics: been married almost 3 years, have a DS 1.5 years old and am 32 weeks pregnant with DD. Suspected H of cheating a couple of months ago, he denied everything, finally found evidence via messages on his icloud account (very explicit sexual messages with OW, who is his coworker). He admitted and apologized. He says he has cut off all communication with her other than work-related emails that either of them must send, but they still on occasion cross paths at the office.

WH says he wants to work on the marriage. Tries to text me and send pics of where he is during the day to ease my mind, has written down his passwords, but he pretty much feels like I should have gotten over it by now (because he would have if it had happened to him).

We are struggling, not communicating, he is wanting to be physical and I am struggling with that. Although he is doing small things listed above to help, he is not taking bigger steps on his own to show me that he is sorry and wants to work this out (like getting tested for STDs since they didn't use protection, using MB website, etc.).

I am lost and hopeless. Being cheated on is bad enough, but being cheated on while being pregnant is unimaginable. Please help!

Only have a few minutes to post right now and my phone is dying. I'm sure the vets will be here soon with advice and links to help you. The one very important thing I have to throw out right now is that this affair will NEVER end if your H continues to work with the OM. They will continue the A and just get sneakier about it. Your H has got to leave his job ASAP if he is serious about saving his marriage!! You have got to expose this far and wide if you are serious about saving your marriage.

Welcome to MB
Being cheated on while pregnant is more common than you think.

Please read every link on the "Start Here" thread.

What is OW's story? Married? Divorced? Boyfriend?

The "exposure" advice does not change in the case of a pregnant BW.

Do NOT discuss this forum or MB with your WH.

Read the Basic Concepts linked on the top of the web page. Study Surviving An Affair and Love Busters.

Yes......he will need to leave that job. Period. His attitude is to be expected from a current wayward who is trying to still run his life to his advantage.

Yes......getting cheated on during or immediately after pregnancy is not unusual. It is cruel, you certainly have a dreadful thing to deal with at a precious and vulnerable time.

I know you need to be housemates during the duration of the pregnancy.

Have an attorney help you plan for a future separation or divorce (do not tell your H) and try to not lovebust while you are living with H.

As he tells you things are fine now, respond that you appreciate his texts and photos of his activities. That you will need him to plan for a different work situation to save the marriage. That you can not continue to be in a relationship with a man who works with anyone he has been romantically involved with. That you require a monogamous romantic relationship. Then, change the subject to a totally different one. What would he like for dinner? Would he like to go see a show with you this weekend, etc.?


Plan in secret for your escape from the relationship if WH doesn't start getting serious about saving it. Plan for the children to be under the care of a sane mother.

Do not tell H about the planning. He is dangerous right now.

Thanks fifteen and pepper for your responses. The OW is much younger around 23 or so. I am 35 and WH is 38. She is single and a fresh college recruit just out of undergrad. They are in sales and on the same team. So they spend most of their time out in the field apart but still communicate for work purposes. I know that NO contact is one of the major rules but that would mean he would lose his job. I am a SAHM and his salary is necessary for our livelihood. I don't know what to do. Exposure to his boss (their boss) would result in him also losing his job although I did expose it to their mutual male coworker who is also WH 's friend on DDay two weeks ago. He is supportive of minimum contact. OW also had an affair with another married man several months before the affair with my WH. He knew of this.

Thanks for your response reading. Great advice from all of you. I have started reading the Basic Concepts ... should we start those things even if he is still working with OW? He has mentioned that after July he could possibly transfer to another office where OW would not be located...what do I do until then?

So your WH knew when he started the affair that he was placing his job at risk.

Your choices are actually pretty clear: He stays in his job and continues his affair, or he finds a new job and rebuilds your marriage. There really isn't a lot of middle ground here. Sorry.

You do nothing with H for now. Meaning you do not tell him to read things here or that you are doing so.

You read the concepts on your own and implement them on your own. Clean up your side of the street in the marriage.

Don't even show him this site. It will be your guide for fighting the affair and he ought not to be privy to that.

If you have already talked to him about it.....just stop mentioning it for now.

Read everything. Come here and ask questions to get guidance from people familiar with the concepts and we will let you know by your H's responses if he is serious about a real marriage or not.

LoveBusting is something for you to read first so you learn not to fall into the trap of doing it. Then, read everything else.

Those babies are going to have a really amazing mom into the future once you learn how to stand up for yourself and them.

North Carolina? An alienation of affection lawsuit state. Since your WH is her second rodeo, she should be easy enough to sue.

Exactly.

If she is a 23 year old intern sleeping around with half the people at this job, why has she not been fired yet?

Hey fifteen...none of the men who work with her and know about her behavior want to get involved in the situation and tell the boss. I have not exposed her up to now for fear that she would then turn on my WH and he would lose his job too.

You should expose the affair to Human Resources so he DOES lose his job. He has to lose his job in order to save your marriage. If he stays there, you will lose your marriage *AND* the benefits of that job anyway. They will eventually find out about the affair and fire him.

Exposing to the coworker will not help you in any way. You have to be pro-active if you are serious about killing this affair.

Another option is to give him 2 weeks to leave the job and end all contact with the OW. If he is in sales, that will give him time to find something else. Don't threaten exposure, but just tell him he has 2 weeks to leave that job.

Your husband very much needs to a lose a job so he will learn his lesson. It takes a special kind of reckless to jeopardize one's job and his marriage at the same time. People who have workplace affairs are viewed as loose cannons and are typically managed out. They are walking legal liability lawsuits who put the company at legal risk.

You and your H can go into his Directors office on Monday, explain about the affair and ask if he can be transferred now. How far away would the new location be? And is there any chance they would see each other at meetings in the future?

You can't really move onto Basic Concepts or other recovery tactics until the affair is killed.

So this may be a stupid newbie question, but the black/white answers I have received are wanted and needed but have taken me a bit off guard. I guess I wasn't expecting to need to take such drastic measures but sounds like it is necessary. Just to be clear: Is there NEVER a way that WH can be trusted not to continue the affair even while not leaving his job? Is there any way to progress if he doesn't leave his job for several more months? I understand the need for you all to be blunt and no nonsense in your responses if I am being delusional.

There is no way to progress because recovery is impossible until ALL contact is ended. The affair is active as long as he works there. This is like an alcoholic changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and expecting to get sober. It is impossible.

Ending contact for life is STEP ONE. You can't move to step two until step one is done.

And what is more concerning is the effect on your mental and physical health. How do you feel about him going to see his lover every day at work? I see you think its helpful for him to call you call day and send you pictures. Even the dumbest wayward could carry on an affair and do that. Do you know that women actually have nervous breakdowns and suffer physical ailments from this experience? Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist with 40 years experience and he tells women they cannot endure this type of situation longer than 3 or weeks before it becomes detrimental to their psychological and physical health.

He needs to leave the job NOW. I would suggest going into his boss together on Monday and telling him the truth. Maybe he will give your husband credit for the confession and save his job by transferring him someplace else. If your husband could be transferred that might work as long as he NEVER EVER has to see the OW again.

You are pregnant and it is vital that you and your husband take steps to end this affair. You are very vulnerable right now and need protection from this affair.

Is there NEVER a way that WH can be trusted not to continue the affair even while not leaving his job?

Of course there is! Most WHs, though, have expressed a marked preference for protecting their marriage by losing their job, instead of by losing their male parts to a chain-saw-neutering!

But: Ask your own WH for his thoughts on this subject!

Sleepless,

I know that people on this site seem a little extreme but that is because they have seen over and over again what works and what does not. Unfortunately, with an affair there is no gray area, there is only black and white.

My story short and sweet, I am a wayward. I had an affair with another man that I worked with. I would go home at night and look at my husband and children and the guilt would start to filter in. I would tell myself that what I was doing was wrong and promise myself that I would end what I was doing.

However, as soon as I walked in the door of my building and saw OM I would walk into the fog again, justify what I was doing and quickly forget everything I told myself the night before. Like a drug you can't escape it unless you get away from it.

Your H may be having the same feelings but every time he sees the OW he will be triggered and may not be able to control what he does. This is why it is so important for him to get away from her ASAP. If this means loosing his job, transferring, etc... he needs to do this.

Another part of the program that does not have any gray areas is exposure. Exposure is not to get revenge or get even. It is to expose and kill the affair. If someone is going to risk everything to carry on their actions, then they unfortunately must suffer the consequences of these very selfish actions. If that means loosing their job, making drastic changes, changing jobs, ect... it must be done.

So many BS's and WW do not think that this is important or necessary, but it is and it does work.

Again, this program often times blows new people away but let me tell you it has changed my life and saved my marriage. Your H's job is not worth your sanity, your marriage, and your children's happiness. Do not let him gaslight you or justify staying at his current job. Like Mel said you can give him a few options but staying at the job and continuing to work with OM, should not be one of them.

Keep coming to this site. We will help you through every step of it. Keep reading information and get as many books written by Dr. H as you can.