I checked out the managing memories link and it was very helpful. Unfortunately I can't ever eliminate the main trigger, the sister. Guess I am dreading when I eventually see her again. FWH said he would deal with her and his family and I won't have to see her for a while. That helps but she will always be his sister. And we were never close so it's not likely that I will ever replace the memories of her connecting FWH with OW and encouraging the A with new happy memories. She is still best friends with OW and doesn't accept any responsibility for what she did and of course she hasn't apologized.

Whenever I think of the A I try to tell myself that I'm only hurting myself. The best revenge (so to speak) is to have a great marriage. My husband is finally understanding the issues I've had with him for the last few years. (Not meeting my needs.) I am making lots of changes too. We just need to create more happy memories ourselves.

I am a bit OCD and very detail oriented so I tend to have a hard time letting go. Dates will likely be a huge trigger because of this. Plus I found out on New Year's Eve, I found an email where he sent her a picture (bare chested pic of him taken in my childhood bedroom) on my 40th birthday, plus all the deceit of the A which occurred over the holidays. I am not looking forward to that time next year. We are going to try and change up what we do for Christmas, in particular not going to his sisters for Christmas Eve. I know it's a long time from now but I'm the planner in the family. At least I'm enjoying planning some weekends away and a cruise. Something to look forward to!

Help,

This is not necessarily true. Interactions with your H's family should have enthusiastic agreement. In our case, 16 months after the affair ended, my H contacted the OW using my MIL's phone and computer, with her knowledge. She told H he should do whatever would make him happy. I have not spoken with her in close to three years. She has never apologized to me. I told my H that I had no desire to have a relationship with someone who would throw me and our marriage "under the bus".

There is no need to subject yourself to his sister.

AM

Wow. Your MIL sounds like my SIL. I am sorry that happened. My husband had a good talk with his father today. He explained how he was not going to do anything that would hurt or upset me. And being with his sister would remind me of the affair, plus the sister shows disrespect for me as she remains best friends with OW, encouraged the affair, sees no fault in what she did and has yet to apologize to me. I am happy he relayed this message and stood firm with his dad. And his dad didn't push back.

Maybe a two year "time out" will help her see what she did. Maybe she will learn to do the right thing.

and maybe not you both to need follow the POJA on this.

It sounds as if your husband is committed to your recovery. His conversation with his father reflects his care for you.

AM

The FIL needs to lay into his DDE/darling daughter enabler that she needs IC. Because to think what she did to risk breaking up her brother's marriage and have his grand kids grow up in a broken home is just peachy.

Armymama,

Thank you. Quick question- does your husband have a relationship with his mom after what she said and allowed? My husband understands that I shouldn't see his sister but what about him seeing her or having a relationship with her? I don't think he should because she can't be trusted and is a bad influence.

Please share your thoughts.

What does anyone else think about husband seeing/ talking to sister?

It seems to me that he should have no contact with his sister as an Extraordinary Precaution until she sincerely apologizes and ends her friendship with OW. If that occurs, reestablishing contact should be subject to the Policy Of Joint Agreement.

Have you thought about emailing Dr. Harley?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

I think I will email Dr. Harley. Good idea! Husband and I have planned a weekend get away (just the two of us) for April once work calms down. Looking forward to two whole days away. And I've booked a cruise for July. Kids are coming along but with youth activities on the ship we should get some alone time.

Thank you to everyone who has responded to me and others because having others input is so invaluable!

How do we explain why we can't see his sister in a way his family will understand? The example I thought of would be a parent who forgives a drunk driver that killed their child. While they forgive so they don't have that anger festering inside them, they also don't hang out with the drunk driver as that would bring up painful memories of the child's death. Not that she's apologized or asked for forgiveness. I realize that forgiveness is more for me. I have a feeling his dad hopes that I will get over it so we can all be together. And my husband too. Although he's said he will do nothing that will upset me. I'm thinking sister may one day apologize but doubt she will ever stop being friends with OW. She'll say she doesn't judge and won't see any reason to stop being her friend. I'll be the one being unreasonable and the one with the problem. How do I explain how hurtful it is for them to remain friends? I just know I'm goin to end up being the bad guy somehow. I know I shouldn't worry about it, but I don't want this to cause problems for my H and myself. It's like explaining calculus to a fifth grader.

We told our daughter yesterday. It went pretty well. She came back later and asked a lot of questions. She is also upset with my husband's sister (her aunt). I have to admit that doesn't upset me. She sees her for what she is. So she's a pretty smart girl.

There were some good teachable moments about what true love is. A commitment to someone else for better or worse and not just some "feeling" that fades away and is fickle. And some great conversations about forgiveness. And also admitting your failures and repenting.

All in all a good day after dreading it.

As you know WH slowly revealed the facts of his affair. I kept feeling like there was more he didn't tell me. So three months after D day I tell him he has a free pass to tell me anything. So he tells me he bought her a gift. I had already asked him that on several occasions. He said he knew it would upset me and technically he didn't buy it because he asked his sister to buy it so I wouldn't see it in a credit card statement. He never actually gave it to her since I discovered the affair.

Anyway I remained calm but the next night I told him this is why I can't trust him because he withholds the truth because he thinks bad things will happen. I told him it would be much worse if it came out years later if for some reason I could even be around his sister and she mentioned it.

Anyway just feeling line I can't trust him. Things had been going pretty well despite my long hours at work. We are going away for a weekend in a week.

I just keep thinking about him and OW. How do I stop thoughts from popping in my head? I picture them together when we have sex. Ughhh. When I look in the mirror at my body I picture her perfect body. (I have lost 25 pounds but I will never have a body like hers which depresses me.) I have counseling tomorrow. Maybe that will help. It's been over a month since we've been. Oh well just needed to share.

Did you ever e-mail Dr. Harley?

Also have you seen this? Managing Memories and Dealing with Triggers

Unfortunately not yet. I have been struggling to keep my head above water this time of year. Worked 70 hours last week and try to spend any extra time with my husband and kids. At least the craziness ends at work on 4/15! (I'm a tax accountant and believe it or not I took a pay cut to work less hours.). Hopefully this Saturday will not be a long day at work and I can get it done.

I've seen how much better things are when I spend more than fifteen hours with WH. But I support over 85% of the finances so I don't have a choice right now. Financial support is a need my husband has not been meeting for years with running his own business and that was very upsetting to me. That and him not being honest.

Anyway, I know I need to write the email. I will make it a priority and I will check out those links- thanks. I may have read them before but obviously I didn't do what it said.

Husband has said he is ok if he doesn't see his sister again but I really need help explaining our decision to her and the rest if the family. I know he will be upset if he never sees her again but he does understand how I feel. If others (Dr. Harley) back me up I think he'll see I'm not crazy.

How long did it take you (anyone out there) to not have thoughts of OW? Just wondering how long until I can go a whole day without thinking about the affair. Heck, how long until I don't think about it for a whole hour?

So many stupid things pop up that remind me about the affair or her. We'll watch a TV show and someone is having am affair. When I put my eyeliner on each morning it reminds me of how dark and heavy hers was. When I look in a mirror I compare my body to hers. (I met her in person and saw naked pics of her in husband'a email.) When my husband says something to me that he said to her in an email I think of her. When we played golf yesterday someone had an AllState ball marker and I was reminded of her because that's where she works.

I just can't seem to get any peace ever. Maybe I'm a bit OCD, so it's worse, but how long must I endure this? And is it worth it?

Friend, if you're OCD, so would be every BS who has ever posted here!

What you're still struggling with is your impossible task of disassociating every facet of knowledge you have about his affair, from your everyday life.

I call it an "your impossible task" because for a while, you cannot accomplish it, and almost assuredly, you will need help from FWH (active and passive) to tamp down the upsurge in emotion (rage, sadness, disbelief - pick one) that occurs.

1) Turn off TV for a while, unless you can limit your viewing to possibly live sports events, not sponsored by the "good hands" people. Spend the time gained with FWH doing something marriage-affirming.

2) Suffer not in silence. When something unexpected (ball marker!) triggers you, turn to him at the first opportunity and tell him you need a hug. You do not need to go into details. Unless he's stupider than my putter (Damn thing cannot get its act together!), he'll catch on as to why.

3) Jack up the time you and he spend doing things that will bury you mind in pleasant associations with the "new" marriage.

4) Rant on, when necessary - HERE! We are all great, non-judgmental listeners when it comes to recovering BSs.

It's a beautiful morning here in the MHV. I hope the weather in NC is as fine. Go out for a walk with FWH, maybe buy a shrub and plant it together. Spend as much time together as possible.

What he said, as he is pretty darn smart! I'm 18 months out from Dday and while I struggle less, I still struggle.

Do what you can to eliminate any triggers. And get a hug when it hits you. It helps

Did you ever get around to emailing the Harleys?

Well I finally sent the email to MB Radio. Guess I wasn't in the mood to write it all down again.

Any way- thanks so much for the replies. It's nice to know that it should get better even if that is years away. Sometimes I just feel like I am the one doing all the changing. I have lost 25 pounds (need for an attractive spouse) I have sex more often and passionately (sexual fulfillment) and I've gone golfing with him (recreational companionship). I have not had many angry outbursts. There are still some but about the affair and not stupid little things like before. He is spending more time with me but he still struggles with putting me first and not being selfish. He has a hard time telling me something he knows will upset me. And he can't earn more money overnight so I am still providing over 85% of the family's income.

Sometimes I want to kick him out so he can see how hard it would be. And how the OW isn't all that. Today was just a really bad day. Had too much free time by myself to think I suppose.

So not really a question in there. I guess I just like things to make sense and I can't make any sense out of the affair.