Sleepless, here is what Dr Harley wrote to another SAHM last September. Her husband eventually left her for the OW because she never exposed the affair at work:


here

If you and your husband visit Human Resources together they may make special accommodations to make sure the affairees are separated while your husband looks for another job. We had another case last year where the employer transferred the wayward husband and his family. I will look for that thread.

Ok, I had my facts wrong. The wayward husband had a traveling job and was having affairs. So the WH and the BW went to the president of the company and told him about his affairs. They asked for help. Here is the post: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2676319#Post2676319

I know the prospect of him loosing his job and the financial impact is frightening. The reality is the A will continue whilst he is in contact with OW. As the A continues it will become entrenched and the chances of him leaving you for the OW increases. Continuing the A will impact your financial security big time.... just read any other threads on this forum for verification.

As Mel suggested if your WH is willing and you both approach HR together, they maybe be able to provide a solution

When my WH first announced that our marriage was not working, he didn't know if he still loved me I had no knowledge of the A with his subordinate co-worker. I mistakenly believed he was having a MLC.

His bomb drop was on a Saturday, the following morning he told me he would like to work on our marriage. The next Saturday he left for a business trip which the OW was also attending. He left a note stating that our marriage was over. He returned Tuesday night and again declared he would work on our marriage. Friday afternoon he missed a family outing and stayed at OW house (discovered this later) The next afternoon he prepared to go out and I asked him calmly did he think having an A would help our M, he looked stunned but didn't respond. He returned the following afternoon and announced he was moving out. He moved into OW house stating his was "moving into a spare bedroom", she'd offered him a place to stay rent free. This is how I discovered the A.

I've never posted this on my thread, the point of sharing this with you, is the pull of the addiction and the effect contact has on a WS. Each time he spoke with me he was willing to work on our marriage but every time he had contact with OW at work the pull was too great. I'd lost a battle I didn't even know I was in.

Sadly I didn't discover the MB forum and the benefits of exposure until after the A had become entrenched. Had I exposed closer to D day I am confident I could have killed the A. Exposure was very effective, given the cruel foggy letter I received. My WH & his OW both recently left the company (8/9 mths after exposure)within a short time of each other. In a legal document received last week he claimed my "accusations" had created considerable stress and jeopardised his continued employment.

hi sleepless,

I am really sorry for your pain and reasons that has brought you here. I would like to share my experience with you.
I was also pregnant when my ex started his affair and for me it was a total shock - we always used to have a good, loving relationship. He was having an affair with a coworker as well. The moment I knew about the A, I moved out with my older son, then EX was asking me to come back home, that we can still fix this and I was devastated but I believed him.
And then the slow agony started. Day by day for months I was unsure if he was having contact, if it is over but things between us were not as I expected or thought it should be. I knew something was wrong, but had no prove. In the mean time the baby was born, I was a total wreck, EX was always late cos he had "so much work". It was terrible and unhealthy for every one, mostly for the baby.

I was also SAHM and financially I was so dependent on him. I couldn't also afford for him to lose his job or neither I knew that he has to quit at that time. I did not know about MB. Then months passed until finally I had the prove that he was lying to me and is keeping his relationship with OW. Every time he promised it is over and he wants to work on the marriage turned out to be e lie. I moved out several times, came back home several times. It has taken me 2 years of hell to put an end to this. Exactly as others say - one day he wants to work on the marriage, the next day he acts strange, but he lies and lies, he was never honest with me and this is typical for cheaters. So don't expect honesty.

As an advice - do not do this to yourself and your kids. You have the knowledge and are in the beginning of the affair. It is much more easier for you to kill it now in the beginning. Do not trust anything he says - accept it he is a lair and a selfish ... who does not care for you or your kids more than he cares about himself at this moment.

So expose - even if he loses his job - fine he can get another one. You will find a way out of this. For you and your kids the best will be to get your husband and father of your kids back. It will not happen if they work together. No matter how much you want it, how much you want to trust him. Expose and start taking care of yourself. If you can sue the OW this is really a great thing. I know it is really hard for you, you are pregnant, you were supposed to be taken care of, loved and protected, instead you got this. You have to get strong and take care of yourself and your kids. Prepare for future separation in case he does not quit, do not tell WH anything, do not trust a single thing he says. Protect yourself financially and fight the A.

So with several words - no-matter what he says if they work together the affair will go on. It will kill you slowly. You need to:
1.Expose, let every one know what this OW is doing to you and your family. Her friends, family, job - every where. Do NOT threaten your WH that you will expose, he will use this against you. Exposure is your best weapon against the affair.
2.Give him a time frame to quit in the mean time plan what will you do if he does not. Try to be nice with him in this time frame and Plan A him a much as you can.
3.Speak to a lawyer and see if you can sue this OW. This would also help you fight the A. Know your rights and the way you can financially protect yourself in case your WH does not become serious about your M.
4.Take care of you and your babies, do things that make you feel good and happy. This is very very important.
5.Do not be intimate with him if he did not take STD tests- this might be dangerous to you and the baby.

Hugs

Limited contact just won't work. It's still contact, will still keep him wayward, and will still rip your heart out and stomp on it every single day.

His job and salary are not more important than pursuing your very best chance to have an intact home and family for your babies. He can always find another job, even if it's not what he likes. He can't find another family that can replace you and the sweetie-pies.

I went through the experience of "limited/professional" contact. Then I went through the experience of alleged NC but still being accessible. None of that worked, even a little bit. It finally took him getting serious about NC, and the most stringent measures to maintain NC, before we actually began to recover.

There is only one way to have a good recovery after adultery. Full and complete No Contact is the very first step, and everything else will not follow until it's been taken.

Is this your call?
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So, several months later and I am back....and you all were 100% right!!! All of your personal stories were so meaningful to me but I wanted to believe WH so much. I am an idiot. As a quick update: he continued to lie about little things throughout the rest of my pregnancy. I gave birth a month ago to a healthy little girl. He refused to take a polygraph. I bought a GPS and put it on his car last week...he was at the OW's place 4 out of the 5 days I tracked him, even though it is supposedly over.

So, before I go further into the steps again, I have a bigger question...how do you know if your marriage is worth saving? How do I know that I want to put the effort into it after so much pain and deceit? On the day I gave birth, he called me a "crazy [censored]" to one of his friends in a text message. He doesn't know I know this. He is still having contact with the OW at work and now I know that he is still going to her place. I have not told him this either. I also found a craigslist email message from him to a MAN on the personals ads....WH of course swears it was as a joke and that he wasn't seriously wanting to hook up with somebody. I just don't know anymore if this is the man I want to be married to...why should I work so hard to make somebody love me if they don't? He was the love of my life and it honestly breaks my heart to think of my children growing up in a broken home, but this whole experience has made me lose all respect and trust for the man I thought I knew.

Any wisdom out there?

sleepless, it brings us no joy to be right in cases like this, but it's good that you know the truth of his infidelity. Now you can decide what you want to do.

Right off-hand, I'd say that your kids are one good reason to try to save your marriage. That's up to you, of course. If you want to throw his cheating [censored] out for good, that's also an alternative. He's certainly proved himself curb-worthy.

You'll need to decide. Neither way will be easy, but we'll help you either way.

Once you've decided, let us know and we'll go from there. In the meantime, keep all of your intel to yourself. Don't let him know you're on to anything, and keep snooping.

(BTW, men don't typically email messages to other men on personals ads as a joke. You'll want to do some judicious snooping on his laptop, as well. Can you get a keylogger on there without his knowledge?)

Hi Sleepless,

You're not an idiot! You're in love with your H! Congratulations on your new baby girl!!

I know you don't know yet if you want to save the marriage. Dr Harley suggests not making such major decisions immediately after discovery. Keep snooping & documenting & keep your evidence.

Please get an appointment with your doctor and get tested for STD's. Be honest with him/her as to why you are so concerned.

I haven't read through your entire thread yet ... did you ever expose?

I read through it, Prisca, and it looks like she did nothing, choosing instead to believe her wayward.

I think Prisca is leading up to something very important that we spoke about before you had the baby, sleepless: it will be imperative that you expose this at work. That will be the first order of business if you intend to fight for your marriage.

We can help you with this. I know it seems very daunting to you and possibly counter-productive, but IT WORKS. I won't go into my sitch, but work exposure killed my H's affair THAT DAY. After we began recovery, he told me he was GLAD that he'd been exposed, because he didn't know how to end it on his own.

And if you don't intend to fight for this marriage. Either way, for the sake of your children, killing the affair is a must.

Yes. You don't want the woman who helped destroy your marriage to be in a position of nurturing or influence over your children.

And sleepless, I know you're concerned that your WH will be fired - GOOD! That will end their working together! Consider this: if you're worried about the money from lost income, worry more about the child support checks that don't come on time - or at all, if he remains employed with OW and ends up leaving you for her. And yes, dear, that's where this is headed without stern intervention on your (the only non-addicted adult in your sitch) part.

You've been dealt a bad hand. Use the only Ace that you've got.

Thank you for your responses. You are correct in that I have done nothing except believe my husband when he said the affair was over and then worry every day that I was being made a fool of. He and the OW have gotten smarter about their communications so it is harder to snoop these days but I do what I can. He uses his iPhone for everything and I can't jailbreak it without him.knowing to put a keylogger on it. You are also correct that I am so fearful of him losing his job.He has been working for a year for a promotion that should be final in the next month or so and the possibility of ruining that is tough to consider...but so is the end of my marriage! I have been tested for STDs but he has continued to avoid getting that done. We have not been intimate since D day since him being tested is one if my non negotiables.

So, I have been working on avoiding love busters for the past month but is there a point when I would tell WH that I know he is still with her. Part of me would love to see his face when he pulls up to her place and finds me there. If I chose to try to save the marriage, what is my next step...exposure?

You should expose and prepare for Plan B.

First, congratulations on the birth of your daughter!

Are you a stay at home mom or do you have an income from your own job? Do you have any joint savings to protect you financially?

Quietly, talk to some lawyers in your area to see what your rights are if you separate or divorce. Knowledge is power.

Feeling secure about money and etc will give you the courage to expose and to prepare and go to plan B to stand up for yourself as a wife.

Sleepless this has gone on for too long.
I suggest that you secretly contact an attorney and prepare for separation.
The attorney can ensure that you receive child support, medical, etc while separated.

You should separate within a week if possible.

Your husband is a serial cheater. He's having affairs with men and women and the day you separate you should send exposure letters to everyone.

Read about "plan B" which is no contact during separation. Think of someone to use as a go between for child issues. You should not see or speak to your husband in "Plan B".
When you separate you should send him a plan b letter explaining Your conditions for marital recovery. A sample plan B letter is in the book Surviving an Affair.

Do not tell him about this website.

Sleepless we understand the desire to believe your WH, unfortunately as you have learned waywards lie for their own selfish needs.

You need to expose and prepare for Plan B. You also need to focus on looking after yourself and your children. Obtaining legal advice is a good idea.

Thanks everyone for all of the comments and encouragement. So to make sure I fully understand...should I bring up my knowledge that he is still with OW before exposure? As far as WH is concerned, I still believe he is reformed and committed to our marriage.

And yes, I am a SAHM with two little ones so I am totally dependant on WH for money which is why I am so hesitant to expose at work even though the A is through work. If he loses his job, my kids and I would be in financial trouble too.