Until
the wayward spouse or the betrayed spouse accepts that they alone control themselves, they are immune to all our MB 'teachings'.
"
The Devil made me do it." <~~~ External locus of control.
"
It just happened." <~~~ External locus of control.
"
I couldn't stop myself." <~~~ External locus of control.
"
He/She made me break Plan B." <~~~ External locus of control.
"
You made me run back to the OW/OM." <~~~ External locus of control.
Those with a high external locus of control believe that powerful others, fate, or chance primarily determine events.
External locus of control = "
I not responsible for what I did or what I will do."
External locus of control = "
No MB Plan will really work, because outside forces cause me do what I do."
External locus of control = A serious lack of personal boundaries.
Waywards or betrayed spouses with external locus of control will be far more likely to feel they are a victim. Powerless. Useless. Caught up in circumstances which they have no power to change.
A cop out?
Maybe.
A personality style?
Certainly.
A person who feels they are without power over themselves will claim no responsibility for their actions. After all, it was not their fault. Some other force caused them to act the way they act.
If you see a MB'er who is sticking to their PLAN, the odds are great that that person has an Internal Locus of Control.
Those with a high internal locus of control have better control of their behavior, tend to exhibit more political behaviors, and are more likely to attempt to influence other people than those with a high external (or low internal respectively) locus of control. Those with a high internal locus of control are more likely to assume that their efforts will be successful. They are more active in seeking information and knowledge concerning their situation.
When dealing with an MB'er with a high level of self control, you are less likely to hear the "
Yes, but ...." (Which drives me NUTZ
)
When a MB'er asks questions about the plans .... I see a betrayed spouse (or a former wayward) with personal self control and that person will usually have success in life no matter what happens with their marriage.
I observe that couples who both think that outside forces control them have a very low chance of MB success. We can cram MB theory/Plans/articles down their throat until the cows come home .... "
Yes, but ..." will usually prevail.
When is it "the fog" and when is it an ingrained style of coping with life?
It's sometimes difficult to determine. Especially after trauma. Or, during a period of severe emotional pain. And, it is very difficult to say if this will turn around when there is depression or anxiety at play.
However, I think that over time, people will either take their known attributes and make the most of what they have, or they will throw themselves on the floor, have a pity party tantrum and announce to the world their victimization status. Thus releaving themselves of any personal responsibility.
Just my thought today.
