Hi, I am a WW and would like support with ending contact and going through withdrawal. Is this the right forum? Thanks.

Welcome to MB.

Have you told your BH?

Have you been tested for STD?

Who is OM? Is he married? Does his BE know?

You are in the right place! Welcome!

Rocinante,

Read up on the threads here, I would be surprised if you don't find dozens that fit your circumstances.

God Bless
Gamma

This is so long. OMG!

OK. I am a WW. I have been on and off in an A (mostly emotional and mental) with an MM for the past 10 years. I say mostly because we probably have had sex 5 times total through past the decade, most of our time spent together was going shopping, having dinner, going for day trips, sitting in a park, holding hands and cuddling. After confessing to my BH, I did NC in June of 2004, it lasted 1 year and MM contacted me,'ll be honest, I was waiting for it because we ended it without a final goodbye so the door was still cracked open. .

Then after being on and off more frequently between 2005 and 2009, I did NC in May of 2009. It was final, I made it clear we needed to stop.
He contacted me last May via Facebook private message (after 3 years) under the guise of needing "professional" advice, and within weeks i allowed him to lure me back. I won't lie, I thought about him often during that time and wouldn't have minded running into him if it were to happen. After the brutal withdrawal and serious introspection, in those 3 years BH and I got along better, had sex regularly and grew closer together. Our relationship is mostly one of convenience. i am not just saying this because of the "fog", its a reality. we don't do much together. we don't have many of the same interests. we are both independent and spend a lot a time apart. BH is set in his ways, he's pretty apathetic and not very considerate. He loves me, and i believe that, however he is very condescending to me and talks to me like I'm 5. Other people have commented that they would never put p with that. BH claims I knew what I was getting into when i married him, true, UP TO A POINT, he didn't change. and he's right. I have changed. I don't like the way he treats me, he makes a lot of money but is very cheap and he has no problem with me paying the bills. We have separate bank accounts because he doesn't want me near his assets (which are plentiful). I'm NOT PERFECT, I get bitchy, lazy and very stubborn and more, but I really go out of my way for him and tolerate a lot. I know BH does as well, especially dealing with this on and off A. We've been together 20 years, married 12. I love him and want our marriage to work out, but there's a LOT of work to do to achieve this. If its going to work, it will take a lot of effort, but the good outweighs the bad in my marriage.

Anyway, MM blindsided me and I slowly started to detach from my husband. In his gut, BH knew what was going on. He asked me if I wanted him to talk to MM, I said no, I'll take care of this, and continued to see MM. H never asked about it again and he encouraged me to do things with my friends because he would like to work as much as possible. I don't have many friends so I spend a lot of time alone wishing H and I could do more "couple" stuff (basically the stuff I was doing with MM!!!) he has agreed to get involved more and be around more and attentive. I've agreed I'd pay more attention to him. I want our marriage to work out.

The A is starting to run its course as far as I can see, but MM likes the way it is and I am starting to really feel like I'm wasting my time. MM would choose to do this for as long as he can get away with it. there is NO chance of us being together and that is something we both understand. Although sometimes I do think I'd be happier and more fulfilled with MM.

MM is in the same situation maritally as I am but I know that his marriage is none of my concern. He is not a nice person.. I put up with a lot and sacrifice everything at his beck and call including sacrificing doing things for and spending time with my husband and sacrificing my own time, but he doesn't extend himself nearly as much. He goes from being in love with me and buying gifts and being affectionate, to suddenly cold and mad at me for stupid things that normal people would let go in a matter of minutes. It's getting so tiring this relationship being so one sided and I'd really prefer to not waste my time with an [censored]. I am. Far from perfect but I am such a people pleaser.

I have begun to feel that I want (for the most part) to end this A for the past few weeks. . However, I am absolutely terrified and I feel like have a ten pound bowling ball in my stomach. I am taking Xanax to not be a nervous wreck. It needs to be done, but a large part of me doesn't want to do it. I want to be able to get the thrill of being with OMM and continuing the A and of course I love him in a way that won't go away but will eventually just be a memory.

I know I need to end it. I am afraid of OMM's reaction and afraid of not having this part of my life to escape to. I have to do it as soon as possible before I lose my resolve. Funny, but I don't wan't him to be OK with us breaking up for good. Irrational feelings, but I feel them and they are legitimate.

I have never gotten an STD in my life always and used a condom during sexual encounters with OMM.

I don't think I can live without him, I have strong feelings for him and he for me. H.

By the way I am 42' BH is 50. OMM is 47 and his BW is 46.

Thanks for reading this long story.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You can live without him.
You have feelings for him and vice versa due for common reasons....it isn't that romantic.

Your H needs to know you are having this dilemma so he can deal with it.

If you want a really good, happy, romantic life with someone........(and OM will never be that guy)......you must be honest with your H, stop all potential contact with BW's husband (who she loves a lot) and

be a truer person than you have ever been.

Yes, it will be miserable for a while as you grieve the illusion you are in. You will need to get through that horrible time to get to the other side. Never allowing OM to try to contact you and you responding.

I know. I am afraid of the pain of withdrawal. I've been in this position before. It's torture. It's like losing EVERYTHING because that's what OMM has been to me for the past year. am afraid I won't be able to go through with it, even though I realize I don't particularly like OMM's personality and I get so hurt and angry with his self centered ways. We have plans to go away for the weekend on the 10th of May. I've decided the best course of action is to take a girlfriend with me instead. That is how I am approaching the breakup. I start with maybe she should go with me and then lead into how I believe that the A has run it's course and there really is nothing left to cling to.

Oh boy, I can't even imagine how degraded you feel. ugh.... But you are allowing yourself to be degraded, you are a volunteer. You are this man's side piece of as* and I think you realize this. Sorry, but that is as restrained as I can be about your situation. It really is sick and I don't blame you for wanting to get out of the pig pen.

I would tell your husband the truth. Have your husband contact the OM's wife himself and expose the affair to your family members, including your children. The more people who know, the more people to hold you accountable and give support to your husband and you.

And as far as your OM being "ok with breaking up with you" he will be just fine. He probably gets free nook all over the place. And if not, he can always go to a prostitute.

Can you send your husband here so we can help him?

You won't feel you miss the OM so much if everyone knows about your adultery, though. That is the beauty of exposure. It is like turning on the lights in the crack house and bringing in a crowd of people to watch the crackheads. It is no fun to get high when every one is watching you with disgust on their face.

It has a way of putting your affair in a whole new light when you can see how you look through the eyes of others.

Oops neither OMM and his BW Noe I and my BW have children.

So?

Here are some of Dr Harley's quotes about exposure, it is a wonderful tool!

BH isn't interested in posting here, has no intention of confronting OMM or his wife, he couldn't give an S--- about OMM's marriage. He knows what's going on, and he wants me to be a big girl and fix this, end it and we will start rebuilding.

MelodyLane, someone mentioned "our children", I just wanted to make that clear.
I am not fighting this, I want it to end. I need confidence, support and good advice on how too survive withdrawal from OMM. I am not looking to continue the insanity.

You can expose your waywardness to everyone in your family (no children makes it even easier for you to take this step).
Your Betrayed Husband, once you tell him everything can tell the Betrayed Wife of om so she can clearly see the situation.

Do not think that this is about you being able or not to handle being in this affair.

It is more about you being willing to take steps to end the affair and do so in a way that you are accountable for staying out of it.

You think you will be beside yourself in withdrawal?

Betrayed Wife (she has a name and a spirit and is of value) has emotions that would dwarf yours. Whatever om has told you over the years........he has lied about Betrayed Wife. She never signed up for this seemingly never ending nightmare. He fooled her into thinking she was the ultimate woman on the planet (and she might be).

The reason he needs to contact the OM's wife himself is because YOU shouldn't contact her. She has to know you are doing the horizontal bop with her husband so she can protect herself from you. She won't want to hear it from you, the perp. She needs to hear it from a more sympathetic party. Exposing to the OM's wife will make it more likely he won't contact you again. Most MM are not going to lose their wives over a piece of as*. This man's wife can watch him to make sure he stays away from the free nookie train.

Does your husband want to save his marriage?

Will your husband come here? He will be instrumental in helping you leave this woman's husband alone. You need his help. If you were a strung out crack head, I doubt he would say "just handle it on your own, don't bother me!" Right?

Does he care at all?

Rocinate, Dr. Harley recommends that the betrayed SPOUSE expose the affair, NOT the wayward. That is why we need your husband's assistance here.