My wife of 26 years left a month ago after a small argument over me being controlling. First she was right. I have been controlling and a person that has not shown her any appreciation, admiration or affection. By doing a lot of reading and trying to improve myself in all areas I NOW realize that I have been the cause of most of our problems. My wife told me she has been unhappy for a long time and wants a divorce. She says it is time for her to "find herself" and start doing for herself. She claims she needs a divorce to break from me and see if she can stand on her own. I don't want this. Now that I realize how and why I drove her away i want us to try again and show her the love, appreciation, admiration and affection and space that I hadn't for all those years.

Recently she has said she is willing to not seek an immediate divorce but she still believes that is what she wants. She is working to get her own place and take it slow and see what it is like on her own and see if she notices any change in me and maybe date each other and see if she feels anything for me. We have also agreed to be faithful during this separation.

It seems like this is the only option I have since she is calling the shots but I also feel like I am just delaying the inevitable because I don't know if she can get over the way I treated her for all those years. Should I try this separation or should I just move on with a divorce? I feel it is going to be very hard to work on fixing our marriage when we are separated and her only thoughts of me are the ugly past.

Ok, if your marriage is in trouble, the solution is to fix it. You can't fix it if you are separated. So it makes no sense to get a separation of the problem is a bad marriage.

I would strongly suggest that you do some sleuthing to see if she is having an affair. Don't ask her, just quietly check her emails, put some spyware on her cell phone [with GPS] and pay close attention to who she is speaking to. Look at her cell phone bill to see if there are any #s that show up a lot.

99 times out of a 100, when a woman wants a separation, there is another man in the picture.

We need you to first RULE OUT an affair so we can put you on the right path to saving your marriage.

Can you be very specific about what the problems were? Have you abused her? Had angry outbursts? How would you rank your lovebusters?

And has she moved out yet? Does she go out at night? Stay away overnight? What is she doing with her free time?

I am 99.9% positive she is not having an affair. We live in a small town and I would likely know by now. She is currently living with her mom. Besides I think she would tell me at this point, in hopes I would also want the divorce.

Our problems are really about our lack of communication and my independent behavior and insecurities that she will cheat on me again. When we were first married she did have a short affair. I was out running with my friends at the time having a good time and not being a husband. She said the affair at the time was to drive me away.

As for LoveBusters I don't score well- here is how I would rank them from 1-10 with 10 being worst


Selfish Demands- 9
Disrespectful Judgments- 8
Angry Outbursts- 7
Annoying Habits- 3
Independent Behavior- 8
Dishonesty -5

She is staying at her mothers while she is looking for an apartment. She said she doesn't go out much and I believe that because the times we have spoke she is at her mothers house. She said she has only went out with her Mother and her mothers boyfriend once to dinner and once to have drinks in the past month. She isn't doing much with her free time except work and staying at her mothers.

She still might be having an affair. What does she do for work? (affair partners often are co-workers or clients)

Maybe so, but none of this convincing. We have many members who have had very secret affairs in very small towns. And no, she wouldn't likely tell you. That is not something a typical wayward does. Typically, they want to quietly back out of the relationship, blaming it on problems in the marriage. They don't want others to know about the real reasons.

This is why it has to be ruled out. It just has to. If there is an affair, nothing we tell you to do will be of any effect.


What about her makes you insecure about her fidelity? Are you insane or were you reacting to a risk in the marriage? Does she have opposite sex friendships? What made you insecure?


Can you give me a description of how these lovebusters would manifest? What did you demand? What were your fights about? What bothered you the most about this marriage?

I know her pretty well after 26 years and am almost certain there isn't another man. Again, I can't say with 100% certainty its not possible there is someone else but I do see her cell records as it is still in my name and I know of her whereabouts most of the time. She works for a small auto repair store. I'm confident nothing going on there as only 3 employees.

You know HER. But you don't know waywards. WE DO. And they all act alike. Dr Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders and clinical psychologist with 40 years experience, made this observation:


I have been here for 13 years and can only point to one case where there was not an affair. I am sorry to say we are right almost every time. And in every case, the presenting spouse insisted there was not an affair.

There might not be another man, but I am asking you to do some sleuthing and rule it out.


Can you explain how this makes you confident? Do you know that most cheaters use secret cell phones or landlines?

The reason you never got over her affair is because SHE never accepted responsibility for her poor boundaries around men. Your wife had an affair because she has poor boundaries around men. And apparently that has never changed.

She did owe you an amends that you never received. Just compensation after an affair comes in the form of affair proofing the marriage. Your wife never did that. She continued to have opposite sex friendships which drove you crazy. And when you objected, you were treated as the bad guy and accused of being "controlling."

That does not excuse angry outbursts, but I can see exactly why you were insecure.

Your wife does not have good boundaries around men and has had an affair in the past. She blamed you for the affair without ever taking any responsibility which means she is very vulnerable to an affair.

Do you know that when a marriage does not recover from an affair, that resentment grows year after year? That is what happened to you. Your marriage was never affair proofed and you knew it was just a matter of time before you were hit by the bus again. As a result, you resentment grew and grew.

Do you know that in normal marriages they don't have to go to counseling when something bothers a spouse? The solution is to STOP the offending behavior. Why didn't your wife just stop it?

Did your wife have an affair with this coworker? Has anyone ever told you she was having an affair and she denied it?

I think it is was the boundary thing you mentioned in your post. I think the counseling did help with boundaries. We both read the book Boundaries in Marriage and that seemed to help.

If she is currently seeing someone else she hasn't been with them much in the past month. With the exception of about 12 hours in the past month i am aware of her location and it is either at work or at her mothers.

Who does she work with? And keep in mind that you only know where she SAYS she has been. Affairs also take place over the phone and computer.

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I think the only possible person she could be having an affair with would be the owner of the shop she works for. It is usually just those two or sometimes a 3rd person at the shop. He is married and 15 years younger than her with 3 small children. I am not sure how I can find this out for sure.

Eddie, when she decided to leave how did she describe her feelings for you? Does she love you? What were her exact words?

What EXACTLY was the argument over? What were you trying to control that day?