I read His needs, her needs recently and stumbled across this site looking for help for my marriage. My husband wanted a trial separation and moved out last month. We have been married 12years and have two little girls. I have been implementing plan a in my marriage and things have been going well. We have been going on dates and spending a lot of quality time together. My husband's temporary living situation is changing ASAP and he asked to come home. Since we have two young children, I expressed that I did not want him to just come home for a week and leave again. After a long evening of conversation, he told me that he has slept with multiple people in the last year to fill his needs since our sex life was poor. I feel very little hope when I am shocked that the person I have been with for 12 years says they have had 20 plus sexual encounters in the last year outside of marriage. I could forgive and move on from one affair but it seems to me that he might be a serial cheater. I am 99 % sure that I should just walk away. I had told him that I could forgive and move past the mistakes in the past before I knew the extent of this bc I wish I had known and implemented the mb principles earlier. He is upset bc I now think I cannot move past this and wants to try again. Please help

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Yes your WH is a serial cheater.

Have you been tested for STDs?

Who are all these OW?? Are any of them married?

Who did you expose to?

I would not let him back until he makes some radical changes.

Thank you for your kind words. I found all of this out last night so have not yet had a chance to be tested but definitely will. These are not women who I know or who work with him. He apparently posted and replied to ads on Craigslist. Some of these women were married. Who would I need to expose to besides our families? I will be honest and say that if I expose the extent of this to my family or friends, they would never support me reconciling with him which is probably unlikely anyway. One bright spot is that I did not have an angry outburst over this. I was very calm and am trying to remain that way in spit of the pain.

B, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

I would ask him to write out a timeline with names, dates, activities, etc. Find out everything he has done and to whom before you make any decisions.

Your marriage CAN recover if he tells you the 100% TRUTH and makes radical changes in his life that would make a secret second life impossible. People like this can change under the right conditions.

And you very much should expose to your family and friends. You need their support. And if they don't support reconciliation, then he can EARN their trust back. Most especially, the husbands of these women need to know.

How would he have time to meet these women? Does he travel for a living?

He does not travel but often works from home. He is the only person on his team who works in the east coast office so he has a lot of time where he could come and go as he pleases. We are going to have another conversation when I get home from work and I plan to ask for a timeline and names although I am wondering if either of them would give their real names since the were meeting for a one time thing. Thanks for the replies so far. Is it bad for me to be torn over even wanting to save this?

No it's not bad to be torn. You love the man.

How does he do this? Are you at work and he goes and meets them in hotels?

My husband wanted a trial separation and moved out last month.

He told me that he has slept with multiple people in the last year to fill his needs.

The reason that you must expose to everyone in your family and circle of friends is to ensure that the second story is starkly highlighted as the reason for the difficulties in (and whatever resolution comes to) your marriage.

Giving a WS the wiggle-room to explain that "We just drifted apart!" or similar crap is not giving yourself the respect you deserve.

And a limited exposure (ie: parents) will not get the job done. They're not likely to set anyone's impressions straight. ("Oh, no, our son's marriage didn't break up over parenting differences! It turns out he was cheating on our DIL with numerous disease-laden sluts! More tea?")

In addition, the naked truth, repeated often enough, might be the spur to drive him to get the serious help THE FATHER OF YOUR CHILDREN most obviously needs.

So how does he go out? Does he tell you he is going on appointments? I would watch for him to lie about the identity of the OW. For example, he probably has been having one affair with a certain woman and is just throwing out vague names to keep you off her trail. So when he gives you the names, timelines, facts, ask him to take a polygraph.

Here.
Polygraph Testing

I am struck by this:

"My husband's temporary living situation is changing ASAP and he asked to come home."

Are you at all suspicious that his sudden urge to come back into your home has less to do with making your marriage work than it does with him about to be homeless? I am so new to these situations myself that I cannot give advice; however, I'd be afraid that if he came home he'd be out again as soon as he could afford to etc, or he'd want to "cake eat" while having the cozy benefit of being in the family home.

Did you ask him why he didn't suggest something/anything to spice up your sex life?

He is blaming YOU for your less-than-perfect sex life. Ignore that. Don't accept any blame for his infidelity. This is all on him.

Consider strongly whether or not you want this man in your life. He's going to have to do some serious work to help you to recover from his straying.

I have more facts now - 4 women in the last year ( last time in nov 2012). 1woman in year 6 of our marriage (we have been married 12 years). He also cheated on me in the two months before we were married when he relocated for his job and I did not move until after the wedding. He is not in contact with these women anymore. These were "no strings attached situations" so no emotional ties. He had a standing Thursday night at a cigar bar in town (which I never agreed with) and he was needless to say not always going to the cigar bar.

He told me that he married me knowing that he did not want all the same things that I do but hoped that I could pull him up. I come from a strong Christian family and am a Christian.

Yes I do think he wanted to come home for convenience and was surprised when I said no. He has found another place. He does not want to sign a lease bc he is not sure what he wants to do. He has told me that he moved out bc he has been feeling very guilty and not very happy. He says he is not sure that he can be a husband that I deserve and that is what he needs to figure out.

I am not sure what I am going to do. If I decide to file for divorce, I will certainly tell my close friends and family the gist of the story. My mother is very ill and dying of cancer while my father cares for her. I will likely not give them the whole story since they do not need any additional stress.

If we both decide that we want to work things out, he knows that I have a list of ea's that he must abide by.

I know that the affairs were his choice and he must own that alone. I admit to not meeting hhis top needs and had taken steps to change that before I knew about these affairs. My needs were not met either but I did not choose to have an affair. I have ea's in place though and always have throughout our marriage.

I am very torn. I love my husband and would hate to divorce. On the other hand, I am hurt deeply and do feel that I am worth more than the way that I have been treated. I also have two little girls who are learning from our marriage about how a husband and wife should treat eachother. I would like to give them a good example of a loving and godly marriage.

I also know that as long as he says if we had more sex this would not have happened that he is not truly sorry.

Thanks to all of you who have replied so far.

Betrayed, YOU need to decide if remaining in this marriage is what you want. I would end this marriage. Your husband is obviously a player who enjoys having his needs met outside of his marriage. This will only bring you heartache.

If you decide to remain in the marriage (and this is your call) I would suggest telling your hound-dog husband:

1. His job needs to be totally assessible by you. Meaning: you can go into his workplace at any time, and he will be there, actually working.
2. Your hound-dog needs to take a polygraph NOW. You will require annual polys to confirm his fidelity and truthfulness.
3. He needs to give you the names and contact info for ALL of his Hoes.
4. The two of you need to have a sit-down with his parents to explain the disastrous actions he has committed against your marriage. Ask them for their help to support your marriage.

And that is IF you want to keep your marriage. It sounds like you do.

Have your ordered the book Surviving an Affair yet? Please do so immediately. It will be your guidebook for recovery.