I recently read Buyers Renters and Freeloaders after my relationship with my boyfriend of over 3 years ended. Long story short, we are both previously married and no kids. I am now 34, he is 40. We met after our divorces; there was no overlap. When we first started dating, he wanted to remarry and children were a "someday" and over the years he realized that he absolutely did not want children and that he was very unlikely to remarry. We didn't live together, but right before we broke up he decided he was ready to.

Once he made his decisions about not wanting kids or remarrying, I spent the rest of our relationship trying to figure out if I could be content with him, knowing I would have the relationship, but never kids and possibly never marriage. It wasn't until we were about to live together that I realized that no, it wasn't enough for me because I DO want to be married and at least have a chance at a family.

So ... does my not being happy enough just having him make me a renter? Would I have been a buyer if I could have made the committment to be happy with him and not pressure him to marry one day or start a family? Was that wrong of me?

I'm still struggling to get over this failed relationship and now am questioning myself and whether I am to blame. I just felt that I was giving up 2 important things and he was giving up nothing.

It is appropriate to be a renter when you are dating. That's what Dr. Harley and Joyce did.

Becoming a buyer would mean the two of you formalizing your commitment for life, i.e., getting married, and then doing what it takes to have a good relationship for the rest of your life: i.e., never doing anything without the other person's enthusiastic agreement.

Think of it this way: you interviewed this guy for a position: husband. He failed the interview: he isn't qualified for the job. The interview itself was successful: it helped you eliminate this candidate.

It is time to go find some more job candidates! You are doing right, you want to look for someone who wants to be a buyer (a husband). The goal is to become buyers together.

You really dodged a bullet by breaking up with the guy instead of moving in with him. Moving in together tends to make people permanent Renters. It definitely does not make people into Buyers.

Dr. Harley has several Q&A columns on advice to people wanting to get married; you might benefit from reading through those. His best suggestion is probably this: get out there and get to dating! If you date thirty people, you are likely to find someone who meets your needs well and wants to adopt the Buyer's agreement with you. Don't just invest tons of time into one guy trying to nudge him into becoming a Buyer. Find someone who isn't dragging their feet and making dangerous renters suggestions like living together.

This guy was a dud, but there are plenty of guys who are not!

You've given up a future of never being a mother. You have done the right thing, if being a wife and mother is important to you. This is an issue that can never be compromised without resentment.

It's confusing to think about, and then you factor in the concept of the Giver vs. the Taker and how do you come to agreements that make both parties enthusiastically happy when each person is so far away from the other?

I really want to do it the "right" way next time around, if there even is a next time.

Love Busters has a great deal about negotiation and the Policy of Joint Agreement. Also, Dr. Harley is coming out with a book later this year specifically about negotiation.

Here's an article about negotiation: Here

The Policy of Joint Agreement: Never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse.

The default condition is not to DO anything. Doing nothing is not meant to be a comfortable place to be. Brainstorm with abandon until you both find the solution that you are enthusiastic about.

Sometimes one spouse is not quite sold on an idea but is willing to give it try. If the idea is tested and now the spouse is enthusiastic about it, then you go forward. If not, it's back to the brainstorming.

Type A resentment: what one spouse suffers when the other does something without their enthusiastic agreement - otherwise known as Independent Behavior. This kind of resentment can last for a long time.

Type B resentment: what one spouse suffers when he/she can't do something. Type B resentment lasts until you both find something to agree on that replaces the original idea.

The POJA Here is the foundation of a great marriage.

Thanks so much for your responses and for referring me to Dr. Harley's articles on negotiation.

I can't help but feel like I should have done more but then I remind myself that we weren't even married.

That's the key. You weren't married. POJA and negotiation are for marriage.

Dating should be seen as a job interview. You don't have to negotiate or come to an enthusiastic agreement on what you want. You wanted marriage and children. He did not. He failed the interview.

Dr Harley would tell you to date 30 more men

You are miles ahead of a lot of people!
Why do I say that?
Because you realize that making such a sacrifice is a very bad idea.

You do not POJA casual dating situations. But once you both start thinking that you might like to marry each other, then you better begin to eliminate such important sacrificing.

Think of dating as if you were purchasing a dog. You want a labrador retriever or a golden lab puppy. You start to date a guy and discover he's actually more of a pit bull or a doberman. If you take him home, you will not have the life you want.

There is nothing wrong with you.
Be discriminating and be selective. Empowerment begins with you knowing yourself and what you want.

"Dr Harley would tell you to date 30 more men"
This sounds exhausting. And next to impossible. But I get it


"Empowerment begins with you knowing yourself and what you want."
This is how I need to change my thinking. This is a very motivating statement, thank you.